Have done something awful..

[thinkofawonderfulthought]

I accidently sent an email slagging off a family member to said family member herself. We aren't close, but it was very scathing, and I've now completely ruined the relationships between our two families. This is especially awkward as we have a number of family functions coming. As I say we aren't close but we do see each other from time to time and family events etc., and I would never have wanted to have hurt her feelings this way. As well as jeopordising her relationship with the other members of my family. I've emailed her apologising but no response as yet. Her dad has contacted by mum though to say how hurt and upset they are. I feel absolutely terrible. I was indulging my bitchy side with friends, never meant for her to see it. Is their any right to rectify this situation, has anyone done anything similar? I can't eat, I can't sleep, I am so regretful. Feel so sorry to have hurt her this way. What would you do?

What would I do? Dunno. Relations that I rarely see don't wind me up to the extent that I feel the need to bitch about them in an emails to others.

Nothing you can do now. But it's an important lesson, isn't it? As was said in Bambi "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"

You have apologised, and now it's up to her to decide what she wants to do.

It's really difficult to advise what you should do without any idea of what you said.

I hope your apology came across as genuine, though.

How old are you for all communication to be happening through your parents?

Tbh there is litte you can do.
However much you regret it you did it and whatever you say,you can't unpick the damage you did and the hurt you caused.
I am not saying that to be mean but so that you don't waste time thinking that there is some clever action you can take to take it back. You need to understand that what happens now is out of your control.

It's up to them now.

I would write to the person you offended - assuming that they won't see you just now - and explain just as you have here. Don't make excuses or try and minimise. Just be honest about what a cow you were and how much you regret it. Be honest and open, apologise and say how much you regret it.
It has the virtue of also meaning that you will actually feel better too.

Well what's done is done, horrible situation but things will settle down

I would not be impressed about her dad contacting your mum though, what are you twelve? Perhaps she'll ground you or dock your pocket money?

Seriously though, yes it sucks but if you didn't get on anyway it probably won't be a huge shock to her. Apologise genuinely then try to forget it and move on. She will either let you build bridges or not but either way there is not much else you can do

Has the regret erased your annoyance with this person, and you now wonder why ypu disliked her in the first place, or do you still think the same about her?

Both are actually quite good outcomes, as in the first case you have become reconciled to her (and you just need to hope she forgives you one day, so you can enjoy her good qualities). In the second case, you can also not feel a hypocrite (once you get over the deserved embarassment).

If you didn't really hate her, though, and the bitching was comic/dramatic exaggeration, that's the worst outcome of all.

I'm late twenties, she's early thirties. I was a bit miffed her parents involving my parents as well - I felt like she should have just contacted me directly and had it out with me herself. What I said was basically making fun of her / slagging her off for being tight with money. She's getting married soon and she's asked the female members of the family to her house for drinks, sort-of a family hen night, but she stipulated it was BYO. I emailed my two of my best friends (who also know her) saying something along the lines of "Can you believe this, how cheap can you get, etc.,". So i've really insulted her. I won't go so far as to say we didnt get on - we see each other occasionally, not one-to-one, but at family events. Until now we have had a pleasant relationship. Our families live close by. Her mum gets on well with my mum. I am genuinely sorry for insulting her and I hope that came across in the email - she still hasn't responded. Should I email her again? Thanks for all the advice so far btw.

Oh dear....

I did something a bit like this many years ago, in a work situation. Got an email from one of the really important (overseas) department heads about something. Sent an email to my boss, so I thought, basically saying "I can't believe the head of X doesn't know about this. What are they doing in X office?" but of course, sent it to the important department head.

Three minutes later he rang up, very angry.

Somehow, I pulled from the bag, "Oh no. Did I hit send? I meant to hit save. I was in the middle of writing that email to you. Can you please give me five minutes to send the full version, and then we can talk?"

Then ran into my boss to explain, and rewrote the email with a bit saying something about it being a great opportunity for us to share our knowledge, and how difficult it must be for them to implement this strategy (whatever it was the email was about in the first place) in a different cultural environment, and how I'd be happy to help with any queries.

Sent that off with fingers crossed. Boss got a phone call two minutes later saying how helpful I'd been.

Lesson to learn - don't write anything that you're not prepared to have read by the person it's about!

In your situation, if you've already apologised, it looks as though there's not much else you can do.

There must be more behind your story, some other resentments or something? Some back story? Byo isn't that unusual?

I take it your invitation has been retracted? It would it if were me! That was extremely petty of you. I wouldn't be upset, i'd just think, what a twunt and cross your name off the wedding invite list and save further £££s. She is not being tight with money at all - in fact she is being pretty considerate actually. I am incredulous about the really expensive hen nights that people are expecting their friends and family to pay for these days. A few BYO drinks at home sounds a lot more up my street. I can't actually see why you think this is a cheap thing to do? Maybe its a touch of the old green eye that she will be the centre of attention for a bit?

I don't think you have any right to be 'miffed' at how she/her dad reacted. You hurt her.

I feel for you OP because it's the kind of thing almost anyone could have done - a mindless bitch to friends turned into a lasting problem. It is also why I have a personal policy of being extremely careful what I write in emails. So easy to send it to the wrong person, and I also believe that anyone who really wanted to could access and read anyone's personal emails.

Anyway, damage is done, and yes unfortunately not much you can do. Perhaps write her a physical letter. But maybe just accept that the relationship is over, perhaps avoid the next few family gatherings out of respect.

I've done the same with a text I meant to send to DH and sent to SIL (who I was moaning about). I was very ashamed and rang her to apologise straight away and explained I was not feeling well (had migraine) and was just having a moan. Luckily, she was ok about it.

I'll never forget the moment I realised I'd sent it though.

LEM, yes, I think it is safe to say my invitation has been rescinded. Obviously she thought (and you do too) that asking people to BYO to your own home is a grand thing to do, obviously I don't - if I invite someone to my home for an occasion like that I would always be sure to have some drinks on hand. And of course I would have brought something with me to hers regardless. TBH though I think the wrongs and rights of the particular situation are irrelevent. everybody has different opinions, different ways of doing things and that's fine - the problem is I slagged her off about her way of doing things. Which was petty and unnecessary and cruel. Feeling very ashamed of myself,

I'd dump you and then forget about you.
Perhaps you just need to accept what's happened and move on, dealing with any flack as it comes if necessary.

I suppose there's not much else I can do now I've apologised. I'll just have to try and learn a lesson from it and try and get over my guilt. Thanks for all the advice everyone.

Years ago a co-worker invited the office to his wedding for the drinks part of evening. He made it clear that it was a pay-at-the-bar invite. I don't think anyone went.

If your relation's income is very limited then it's not nice to make such remarks. Otherwise, it is a bit tight to ask people upfront to bring their own booze. I usually turn up at parties with a few bottles and a couple of six-packs. However, I wouldn't be happy if I was told to bring my own drinks.