Is arriving too early as rude as arriving too late?

[margarethamilton]

My family are often late for social occasions, meet ups and so on, usually by 20 minutes or so. They will always text to say so and will apologise. They lead busy lives and emergencies happen. I've learned to accept it but I like to be on time myself. I know people find it rude to be late.

However, my in laws are often early. They live some distance away (a 90 minute - 2 hour drive) so we invite them down to stay every few months or so. Last week, we arranged that they would arrive here for 1pm. It was my day off, DH at work, so I had time to sort DD out, do a clean, walk the dog, make myself look presentable, prepare food and so on before their arrival.

But they turned up at 10.20 meaning that the house was half clean, I was a straggly mess and not prepared to host their visit! DD is only 9 months old so getting everything together isn't as easy as it used to be and every minute is precious!

People really get wound up by lateness but it's often unavoidable. But you've got to PLAN to be so early. Isn't this even more rude? DH says its just how they are.

Btw - they were once 5 hours early in a similar fashion.

My pils are super punctual but leave ridiculous amounts of time to travel....but I can't complain as I have found them parked round the corner not wanting to put me out! OP your ils sound a nightmare.but some good advice here.

Also, reading initial post back, "We arranged..." means they said they'd be leaving after 10am so would be here at around 1pm. We just went along with their timings. The night before, they said, "See you at 1" but must have changed their minds on the day. Again, fine, but a call or text to let me know is polite surely?

DH says it's partly a cultural thing. His family are Irish and from a small community. His family all live in close proximity and go to each others' houses whenever they want to with no prior warning.

Ah, they are "poppers in" - we've had many a thread about these sorts of people. It basically boils down to a different view of your personal ownership of time and if a family member's house counts as 'private space' or more 'community space' for the family (basically, it's fine if everyone agrees, usually where there's tension is with PIL because more often than not because you've been raised with this attitude if they are your parents, not considering that the other side might find it rude, and it's more likely that a DIL is the one at home in the day to be popped in on).

If they aren't the type to get stuck in and help but expect to be entertained/looked after, then they are the worse type of poppers, you are very, very lucky you live 90minutes away and at least some arrangments need to be made before driving that far.

I would go with rather than asking for an arrival time, asking them to call when they are leaving, keep saying you might be out and want to make sure you have enough time to get back. (and assume the worse, that they will be setting off straight after breakfast, get yourselves ready, if they haven't called, then ideally get out of the house until half an hour before their ETA).

Yes very early is worse than late - at least if somebody's late you're ready for them.
I would be tempted to not answer the door....

My family tend to always be much earlier than planned .No problem with that at all.Family after all are the most important imao. Any winging for arriving early or late would be rediculous .

Both IL s Bil and Sil did this to me not long ago. Decided to come an hour early to fit in with their baby's naps. Fair enough I suppose but 4 adults in a car for an hour and not one of them thought to give me a quick ring? Dh had taken the kids out, the house was done but I was a sweaty mess. I'm afraid I was pissed off enough to tell them I wasn't expecting them yet and I was about to get in the shower. Then I got in the shower for about an hour and left them to it.

Yes it is rude but also bewildering. Once I was having some friends over for dinner at 7 or so. One friend volunteered to come over a bit before to help cook - lovely. He turned up at 2pm, a full five hours early. I had no idea what to do with him. I think I greeted him with a mad stare.

Yes, Dontmind. This is the crux I think, the personal vs public space. My parents, although having poorish timekeeping, would never arrive at someone's house without prior arrangement. This is a legacy of being from families where people just arrived (dad's sister and whole family descending on Sunday just as we're about to eat; mom being dragged around to various people's houses as a kid to be met with startled looks). We ALWAYS text to say we're just leaving, do you need anything etc. despite the arrangement being there.

The distance works in some ways but part of me wishes they were nearer for DD and DH. If they moved here though, I'd need to set some ground rules. DH would struggle with this. I've had to renegotiate them having a key. When we first moved in together, they'd drive down and let themselves in!

Being a total slattern, who only cleans for visitors, early is very very bad. Early visitors trip over the Hoover wire and find the place looking like a school with chairs on the tables.

Oh and the, "Give me a bell as you're leaving" idea is one I'll be using in future. Thanks!

PIL always do this, they'll say they are coming at 6 and phone at 5 to 4 saying they are on the way (they only live 10 mins away).

In a similar vein they will say come for a BBQ at 7 then be on the phone at 6.00 asking if we are on the way and telling us BIL has eaten all the food

They live on a completely different timescale to DH and I. MIL gets up at 5 and they have tea a 4.30. Have been caught out many times when MIL says she'll pick the DC up after tea which is 5ish for her and anything between 6 and 7 for me!

On the other hand my parents are always late, if I ask them to babysit I always tell them we are going out an hour before we actually are in the hope we get out on time!

Ah, they are Irish!! It explains it all!! (I'm Irish but have lived in England since I was 18!). They pr

Sorry... Fat fingers!

They probably think you are slightly mad with all your cleaning up before guests coming and are just trying to help you relax by turning up before you have had a chance to do it. They also probably don't see the need to clear things away straight away unless its the good room where no one but the priest is allowed in.

"They also probably don't see the need to clear things away straight away unless its the good room where no one but the priest is allowed in."

I agree, very rude. I'd rather someone was an hour late than almost three hours early! They should've called or texted on their way, too.

As others have said, next time say "So we'll see you at 1pm? I have a few appointments/errands in the morning but I should be back by 12.45."

I simply wouldn't answer the door. Pretend to be out. Pretend to be dead. Eventually they might get the hint when they've had to sit in the car for a couple of hours, sheesh.

ok maybe not, but i would have to say "if you are going to be over two hours early from the time we arranged, i may not be in" It's rude, selfish and utterly self absorbed to not think "oh perhaps they have other plans for those HOURS before we are due" and it treats you like you are just in a little bubble of nothingness until they arrive, as if you don't have anything better to do all day than wait for, and then look after them. Grrrr.

Earlier is worse IMO.

If this happens a lot leave your curtains shut so they can't see you madly cleaning inside and pretend to be out for a while. My inlaws would never do this and would be horrified by us doing the same. My parents are a bit more random but mums late and dad's early but only by like 20 minutes each. My Dad was a minute late to ours yesterday and was horrendously stressy and sweaty because of ONE minute as in his head it may as well be an hour!!

These people who 'expect to be entertained' - what actually happens if you let them in and say "Oh good, you're early, you can help me get ready - can you make us cups of tea MIL; FIL, here's a baby for you to hold - I'll be back in a minute" - while you nip upstairs and get dressed etc at your leisure? And then wander back and ask FIL to empty the bin while you wash up and MIL can attempt to get socks on ds (which will teach her why he doesn't have any on...)

Admittedly this might be why my parents tend to be late nowadays, but generally, if you act like family, not a guest, by turning up when you want, then you get treated like family, not a guest!

notcitrus - that is what happened when dhs aunt and uncle turned up at our home for ds1s first holy communion, half an hour before we were due to leave to Church, rather than to Church as agreed. They both got roped in with us getting dressed and ready. Aunty, luckily, could sort the childrens ties, at least!

I was prepared to say that people who are close to me can arrive early, but then I read your post and was shocked. That's not ok, and I would have struggled with that. I would have been sweaty from prepping the house, or definitely just about to pop into the shower or otherwise busy and as some of you have said, it's still private space at that point. I think it's ok if a very close friend arrives 20 minutes early, if someone has travelled some distance then it's ok to be earlier than that, but not three hours early, not without a warning!!!

I think next time I would just be natrual with my response, let them see my shock and how it discombulated me and my plans.

That is really early and if it is a stress for you then that becomes a problem. Some people won't find that a problem. In my case it would depend who the person was if it would affect me or not.

Very inconsiderate and rather selfish as it will obviously catch you before you have prepared for them. I would suggest inviting them to come down for dinner time next time. But have lunch ready in case. Or, invite for 1pm but tell them you'll be out until 12.30.

Surely 3 hours late is worse than 3 hours early, though? I agree, 3 hours early is worse than 20 mins late, but this isn't comparing like-with-like.

I live somewhere pretty rural, and sometimes I'll get stuck behind a caravan/lorry/40mph driver, sometimes the road is pretty clear - so if I meet a friend 50 miles away then I could easily be 15 mins early/late. I've never thought of this as being particularly rude; arrangements are made for "around 1pm" so 15 mins either side is fine IMO.