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Original poster

mil hitting or slapping ds

21 replies

manchester04 · 29/12/2012 22:56

Was,out of room today and ds aged 6 came in crying as mil hit him. Was a little shocked so just played in down.just wondering if you would have done anything.

OP posts:

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 29/12/2012 22:57

Yes I would have asked her.

Was it a smack or were they playing and it was an accident?

Hassled · 29/12/2012 22:58

Yes, I would have had a full scale hissy fit, demanded apologies and left straightaway (or demanded MIL left). Then I would have ceased all contact. What message do you think "playing it down" gave your DS?

tribpot · 29/12/2012 22:58

Told her she must never hit him again, in front of him so he would know that that behaviour was unacceptable.

XBenedict · 29/12/2012 22:58

Yes I would have asked what happened.

MrsEricBana · 29/12/2012 22:59

Yes I definitely would have asked for his version in a non dramatic way and then asked her just to get the facts straight. May be nothing but worth checking. What is she like with him normally?

BabylonElf · 29/12/2012 23:00

I'm with Hassled - totally out of order for mil to physically chastise ds.

kd73 · 29/12/2012 23:02

I would speak to hubby and get him to phone mil to find out what happened and have a gentle chat about boundaries.

Good luck !

doublecakeplease · 29/12/2012 23:02

I'd have a word - explain that dc was upset about being hit and that you expect it not to happen again. Give her a run through of sanctions you do use (naughty step etc). Be firm but polite - your child your rules.

I was smacked as a child and haven't got a problem with it, however nobody but my parents ever smacked me - not acceptable imo

Original poster

manchester04 · 29/12/2012 23:06

It is a difficult situation as dh thinks slapping obv not full blown hitting is ok. So i guess if i make a fuss i would not be supported. Mil has made it clear she thinks he is naughty and he gets away with too much at home. Ie i am too soft. Feeling quite cross with myself now.
Thank you for replies.

OP posts:

tribpot · 29/12/2012 23:08

But he's six years old. Even if you thought it might be necessary with a very young child (a toddler, say) it is clearly unacceptable in a six year old who can understand any number of non-violent punishments for misbehaving.

HoratiaWinwood · 29/12/2012 23:09

That's none of her fucking business though.

More worrying is that you and DP aren't on the same page, after six years.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 29/12/2012 23:10

So she hit him because he was being naughty?

Totally out of order and she needs to be told that its not on. In fact I wouldn't be going there until she gives your DS an apology and I wouldn't be leaving her alone with him again either.

mathsconundrum · 29/12/2012 23:13

She's not allowed to hit him. So what if she believes he's allowed too much leeway. That is none of her business. The most she should if she has any decency is discuss parenting with your son. She's physically assaulted him. If ny mil assaulted dd she'd never get to see dd again.

kd73 · 29/12/2012 23:14

How awful for you Manchester, I think a gentle chat with mil about your role in disciplining your ds may be in order, obv if your son is naughty, your mil needs to report it to you so you can take the appropriate action.

I would not have had a hissy fit as other posters have suggested, so please don't feel bad. I think you have done the right thing in giving yourself time to process what happened and what happens next to avoid an immediate confrontation from occuring.

BellaVita · 29/12/2012 23:16

MIL once did this with DS1 (he was also 6 at the time) and she also slapped his cousin who was 5.

I came home from MIL's and discussed it with DH - did not say anything to MIL at the time as I was so shocked, but SIL said it had happened a few times whilst she was staying there (lives abroad) and wasn't going to say anything as it would mean she would have no where to stay in the future .

So the following day, DH called in to see his mum and casually dropped into the conversation about what had happened and he asked his mum to leave the discipline to us. She chucked him out and told him never to go back or to bring the boys back again. She said we as good as called her a child beater.

DS1 is nearly 16.... not seen her since that day.

It is not up to anyone to slap/hit your child.

joanofarchitrave · 29/12/2012 23:18

Well. I do think if your dh thinks slapping is OK and has said that to MIL, there's not much you can do. Has he ever slapped your ds? Have you talked about this again recently?

I can't be rational on this as I would march anyone who slapped ds out of the house and out of my life, but dh would agree with me now, despite having come into our relationship as someone who would see a tap on the wrist as an option.

nurseneedshelp · 29/12/2012 23:19

Its your job to prorect your little boy and you've clearly failed! I'm sure you were shocked but can't believe you didn't say anything?????

InNeedOfBrandy · 29/12/2012 23:20

Urgh I can't wait till they make hitting dc illegal like most eu countries, would stop others thinking its ok to hit children there's or not more effective then the doesnt leave a mark and not in anger petty law.

steppemum · 29/12/2012 23:28

bellavita - gosh that is so sad, can't believe she would rather have a hissy fit than see her grandchildren

You need to tell her that you have other methods, that ds is your child and you choose how it is done, and even at her house, smacking is for you to decide not her.

but how you do it is another matter, especially as you and dh are not totally agreed. It would certainly help if you told her/showed her other discipline options.
It would also help if you looked at why she thinks he is naughty. Are there certain things she expects? It can be a compromise if you teach ds that at GP's house x and y are not allowed for example.

steppemum · 29/12/2012 23:31

sorry not clear - how you tell her is another matter - hard to do sensitively

Kalisi · 29/12/2012 23:36

You need to be clear about your own views on smacking before you decide on a course of action here.
If I were in your situation, I would without question come down very hard on MIL and make it perfectly clear to her that this is completely unacceptable as neither myself or DH smack.
However, if your DH agrees with smacking and does it himself sometimes, it may be better to go down the gentler route of explaining Grandparents boundries instead. Depending on DH's opinions it may just be down to confusion on MIL part. Either way, after six years you need to get on the same page when it comes to discipline.

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