Friend's mum had big op, he's not visited her in a month.

[FrumpyPumpy]

Ok, not wanting to drip feed, but if gou recognise the situation, please don't out me or mention it to the parties involved - just want to do the right thing.

We took the children to see our friend's mum this morning. He has known DH for 30 years since they were neighbours. He lives 90mins drive away with SW and 2DC, his sister is local.

His mum has a big op at start of dec, nut he's. It been to see her. I sent a text today to gently say I thought his mum was disappointed not to have seen him even for a day visit (it's easily doable) and was everything ok, can we help at all?

He's replied that it's a funny time of year to visit/travel, and his MIL (who they see lots of, they were at hers for Xmas, lives an hour from them) had also had an op before Xmas 'they're all at it'.

His mum was resigned to it and said if you don't expect something you can't be disappointed.

I just feel so sad for her. What else can I do?

Bump

Actually just remembered:

• no issue with time off work
• they are cash strapped but just had something done to their house (trying to sell) so I hope could afford petrol
• his DW is often v tired, sleeps a lot, frequent naps, doesnt serm to want to go anywhere. She's lovely, we like her, but when they come to stay at friend's DM's, her parents usually stay in caravan nearby. I suspect she has some kind of depression but it's never been mentioned.

Buuuuuump!

.

Not really a lot you can do apart from support his DM! You can't make him visit can you?

I don't see that there's anything you can do. Perhaps he's like my DF who whenever something distressing happens buries his head in the sand and avoids having to confront it. He wouldn't visit his DSIS when she had cancer, or his DM when she was dying. My DM virtually had to force him.

Hmm it's up to him isn't it. Maybe she's like my mum and all sweetness and light to everyone else but was awful to me as a child and young adult... just saying maybe there's more you don't know?

My mum comes across as the sweetest old lady and everyone thinks she's wonderful... they simply wouldn't believe that only a year ago she was stood in my hallway blind drunk telling me to fuck off and trying to slam my head in the door.

She also told everyone how lonely she was at Christmas and how she would have loved to see dd open her presents when despite everything I asked her to come round several times, which she declined.

Sorry me ranting. But I'm just saying maybe there's a backstory.

You cannot do anything. You cannot force him to visit. Whatever his reasons right or wrong - its his decision.

I would leave well alone. There's probably a lot more to it than you know.
Especially if she's anything like my mum.

Thanks for the replies! They no ally visit and stay 1 - 2x per year, but you're all right, there could be more to it.

I thought you'd all say I had to do more, so I'm relieved I don't. Will visit her again though of course.

Thanks.

His relationship with his mum is his business, not yours. Keep your beak out.

Butt out. It's none of your business.

I have recently had people guilt tripping me for not visiting my dad more after he was in hospital.

I was in the middle of a minor breakdown and had been signed off work with stress and anxiety; am having therapy due to issues with my parents; and keep visits to a minimum because my dad is fucking rude not as pleasant to me as to other people. Despite this I have pursued a huge complaint to the NHS on his behalf which caused me to get very behind on work resulting in the abovementioned breakdown. I'm self employed and lost thousands in income. But I have people telling me I am neglecting him by not visiting more.

I can't say this to my parents' friends so I will say it to you: it is not your place! If you are concerned, visit her; let him know how she is; but don't guilt trip him.