Missing abusive ex????

[calamitySammy]

Hey,

I dunno what to do. I'm in bed missing someone that used to abuse me physically and mentally - isnt that kinda messed up??? I feel don't get me wrong I don't want him back by any means I just don't understand why I'm mourning our relationship break down 7 months later. He was so vile post break up that I took an overdose. Is there something wrong with me???

He used to tell me I was fat, disgusting stupied etc, that no one else would want me, locked me in the house and occassionally hit me if I didnt do what he wanted or disagreed with him, he even forced me into aborting our second child by telling me if I didnt have it done at the hospital he'd throw me down the stairs (we lived at the top of a tall block of flats).

Why do I miss him and why do I want him to miss me when I was so desperately unhappy??? I don't know what to do.

sammy Would you be able to post this on the Relationships board, or ask MNHQ to move it there? I think you'll get a lot of caring, good advice there.

Of course we need to grieve the loss of relationships, because we are mourning the loss of a future that never happened, with a person that wasn't what we thought they were. You are not alone. x

You poor love. Thank god you are away from him.

You are allowed to miss someone while also loathing them too. part of the grieving process.

It helped me to keep repeating to myself 'he is someone else's PROBLEM now' over and over again. Because that is what he will be or will become, again and again. Some other poor woman's fault.

But it is not YOU now and they will have to get through the abuse the best they can too.

Just remind yourself. He is not your problem. Your life is now all your own. I am so sorry you had an abortion because of this shit excuse of a human being.

be strong and I hope you have some good RL support.

And Christmas and new year are often times that bring emotions to the fore. Please don't feel bad, you will start to get through it again and it will become easier. It took me 6 months of counselling 21 years after splitting with abusive exh1. Perhaps some counselling would be helpful to you too.

Good advice I once got was to focus on the bad stuff & remember how it felt at the moment. Keep those feelings & you will know you have done the right thing.

Also remember there is someone lovely, kind & new waiting for you

Thanks guys, just writing about it helps. Its difficult talking to friends and family about it as they focus so much on the bad stuff and don't really accept that I'm mourning also. I was an utter cock but I loved him completely despite that.
I thank god every day that we are no longer together and tho I miss him I have no intention of involving him in our lives at all, watching the children thrive and be at easy in their own space and confident in their own skin is a good enough reason all on its own for me to never contemplate going back to that bastard.
I think your right about Christmas, its our first one without him and I feel a lot of pressure to ensure its a good one as the last few have been dire and completely lacking in any form of cheer.
I think also its coming up to the anniversary of the abortion, I had it in January and I find it difficult to deal with that loss more than anything else. I know it wasn't a miscarriage but I still feel it as a keen lose and I think that more than anything haunts me although I am glad that I havent subjected another child to what my ex puts my boys through.

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I'm very lucky with my friends and family just needed a unbiased forum to vent on. Its not always wise to share how you feel with your loved ones - even if they are great. I don't often get down or drawn into the past like I said a tie between the time of year and loss of the baby.

Happy Christmas everyone.