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Original poster

Great schools, lovely town, but, but, but........

25 replies

FearlessFanny · 02/12/2012 21:48

very middle class dilemma here and all perspectives welcome!

I am a LP of a lovely 6yr old DS, living in what, is on paper (screen?) is the perfect place. We live in a sleepy little town in the Home Counties which regularly lists in the "best place to live" lists - the schools are great, from infant to 6th college, great access to countryside & London, the town centre is very "pretty", everything within walking distance and all very pleasant. We've been been here for 4 yrs now, DS1 is in Yr 1 at an outstanding school just round the corner and I'm about 20mins from my very flexible job, which is great for (as an example) going to the school play before starting the working day. I also love my job, which is supporting a fairly strong career path.

So all sounds great? Yes, but, but, but....well, there are two things really. Firstly, I am a complete fish out of water here. Not only am I practically the only LP around, I am also almost the only working mum. Not that there is anything wrong with the alternative AT ALL, it is just very very alien to me (and I am sure I am very alien to them!). Possibly as a result of this, I've also found it hard to make any proper friends here, let alone the sort of support group that a single mum really needs (please don't mention Gingerbread - there is nothing like that for miles!) Loads of people also come from here, so already have friendship groups from way back. Don't get me wrong - I do know and like a lot of people (I help with the PTA & Beavers, do a lot of outdoor activities), but it just doesn't get any deeper and I still don't have anyone that I actually click with (either at school or out - there just don't seem to be single people here in my age group (40s))

So - second thing. We are 40 mins, from DS's dad and 1/2 brothers/sisters (from a previous relationship - he got around, DS's dad!). It's taken ages, but XP and I now have a really good relationship, he's a great dad and would love to spend more time with DS, rather than just every other weekend. DS has also started to do weekend activities, which I can see him wanting to do every weekend, rather than every other. DS is also really close to his half siblings.

I have the option to move: 20 mins from here, on to the outskirts of a city. It would be a lot more cosmopolitan, I have a fair few old friends living there, it would be 20 mins from XP, so he would be able to be a lot more involved and (possibly) allow DS to have "his" weekends, rather than having weekend activities split between two locations. DS would also be closer to his siblings, which he would love. Possibly I would also meet other working, if not single, mums - I used to live in this city before and there seemed to be loads of people like me. Here I feel like a freak!

However, the schools wouldn't be as good - primary looks okay, but secondary is a bit of a lottery. There wouldn't be the clear "outstanding" school route I have here. I would also be 40 mins (traffic allowing) from work - DS would need to be taken to before school club earlier and I would pick up later. Not good, but possibly a stronger support system if there are problems.

So - apologies for the essay - but what would you do in this situation? Should I just stick it out here, keep trying and accept that it takes time? Or should I move, get closer to DS's family and possibly get more in my comfort zone..? Thanks for any help!

OP posts:
Nigglenaggle · 02/12/2012 22:02

I think moving closer to DSs Dad would outweigh all other concerns, especially if you will feel happier there. It sounds like DS has parents who are far from stupid and this will make more of a difference to his outlook than a change of school (think I am right in saying this is actually proven by studies)

Original poster
FearlessFanny · 02/12/2012 22:10

Thanks for replying (I though I might have killed my own thread there for a minute!) & for the info about the impact of particular schools. I'll look more into that - tbh, they aren't that bad in the new town, I just feel very guilty at potentially leaving the fantastic school options here. As said, another perspective helps - thanks again.

OP posts:
baublesandbaileys · 02/12/2012 22:14

do the move!

the town you're in sounds like my idea of hell, and how much of the school results are down to the crazy amt of secret tutoring going on in the naice home counties towns? in my experience the schools in those places arent actually better than the lower graded schools with more mixed pupils, aren't actually BETTER schools, they just get better results because of their demographic and the stupid amt of tutoring going on

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Original poster
FearlessFanny · 02/12/2012 22:24

Baubles - that made me laugh. Yup, it is a naice town and, god, it is hellish - I've never known anywhere like this before (lived all round the world/am at the top of my game work wise) and suddenly I am discussing coffee mornings and kitchen extensions. I escape every other weekend to see old mates, just to have a bit of my normality. I'm so glad you guys are saying to move (well, all two of you!). XP would be chuffed out his skin.. now I need to make a plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
FearlessFanny · 02/12/2012 22:25

Oh, and thanks! must go to bed now

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/12/2012 22:28

Would there be spaces in the schools near your potential new home?

Original poster
FearlessFanny · 02/12/2012 22:32

Hi - yes, I think so. I wouldn't move yet - I'd move at beginning of Key Stage 2 (end of Yr 2), so I think the class sizes increase then? DS would have then also completed Infant school, so not so much of a wrench.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 02/12/2012 22:38

Well I would say stay.

Moving away from great schools seems like madness, especially when you'll have a longer commute every day. Petrol costs, less time at home, etc.

40 mins shouldn't be a big time barrier for your ex to come and see his son, or for you to take DS to him. And making that journey once or twice a week is less than having to commute it every day.

baublesandbaileys · 02/12/2012 22:41

I really don't think you do your kids any favours by settling for something that makes you miserable!

And just because Ofstead says the schools are great doesn't mean they are

helpyourself · 02/12/2012 22:50

40 minutes isn't long to see his son, but adding it to your daily commute is madness. Are you certain you're not trying to rekindle the relationship? I don't know if that's feasible, but if it's at the back of your mind you need to acknowledge it, to yourself at least to make an informed decision.

Original poster
FearlessFanny · 02/12/2012 22:50

The schools thing does actually strike a nerve - DS seems to be learning a lot less in the local "outstanding" Infant school than friend's with similar age DSs in full primary schools in other areas. I have started to wonder why it is so well regarded - the children seem happy, but there isn't a huge academic emphasis. Okay, he is only in Y1, but there is a distinct contrast. Not a reason to move in itself, but interesting..

now bed

Thanks all for the diff viewpoints.

OP posts:
Original poster
FearlessFanny · 02/12/2012 22:53

XPostAnd no, def no relationship kindling, just trying to keep solid co parenting going. And wouldn't be adding 40 mins - it would be going from 20 mins to 40 mins IYSWIM! But definitely to be considered in the decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
FearlessFanny · 02/12/2012 22:54

friends not friend's.

the shame..

OP posts:
ggirl · 02/12/2012 22:56

I would move, your ds will be fine in a less than outstanding school..it's all a tick box fiasco anyway.
Family is important especialyy as he's an only child.

DewDr0p · 02/12/2012 23:04

Have you been to see the potential new schools? I'd do that and then take it from there. You'll know whether you like them or not.

AgnesBligg · 02/12/2012 23:06

I'd move like a shot. You need great people around you and the place you are currently living sounds , umm dull. The commute, schools sound like normal things we all do, overcome somehow.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 02/12/2012 23:17

DD1 started off in an outstanding school and is leaving in spetember, dd3's just started reception in whats now a satisfactory school almost in measures. I honestly no longer believe in ofstead reports. dd1's friend started in the other school which was good and is now outstanding. She got pushed whereas mine just got left. Also dd2 has SN and they have failed her altogether. I would move as all round it sounds like you and your ds would be much happier. Go and visit the schools. Even if a school is good it can improve within 3 years while your sons there meaning he is probably getting a better education

Fifis25StottieCakes · 02/12/2012 23:19

I think dd's school got an outstanding and stopped, they never improved just flatlined. Honestly i wouldn't let that worry you unless the shool is known as a really bad school.

FlojoHoHoHo · 02/12/2012 23:26

I would stay.
The extra commute would make all the difference, the using breakfast club etc, missing out on time with DS would sway it for me. But I guess after 4 yrs you've given it a fair crack and still not happy, I don't know. Only u know how unhappy u really are.
Just remember the grass is always greener til u get there. I made that mistake once and regretted moving.

Monty27 · 02/12/2012 23:31

If you're not happy your ds won't be happy.

Willowisp · 02/12/2012 23:32

So, just to get this straight in my mind, you don't like coffee mornings & discussing house extensions, moving will allow you to meet like minded people & you'll see less of your 6 yr old son because he has to be dropped off & picked up earlier ?

why don't you start seeing more on your old friends now...surely not a massive problem if they are only 40 mins away & allow your son to enjoy being picked up & collected by you...something never to underestimated at such a young age ?

I suspect the problem is you're single rather than the other mums being SAHM & settled into their lifestyles Smile

Bestof7 · 02/12/2012 23:51

If your friends are only 20 minutes away, I don't get why you're moving? I live in London, and my bestest friends are between 20 minutes to an hour and a half away, and they all live in London, too! Granted, no one would think twice about a LP here... but 20 minutes away is very close. Maybe you just need to make more of an effort to see them at weekends. And as for your XP being 40 min away... that also seems very reasonable.

That's not to say you shouldn't move, of course. I'd want to avoid the Stepford families as well. No one likes to feel they're being judged... all the time... by everyone else in town.

baublesandbaileys · 03/12/2012 10:55

the problem with travelling "back" to see friends, is not that it's not doable, but you are physically living in one place and emotionally living in another place and its harder than it sounds unless you've been there

now I travel internationally to see some friends, so its really not about effort/travel. but you do also need some human connections where you actually live! you do need to feel that there is someone whose door you can call to if you lock yourself out of your house in the snow etc. Its very very lonely to live somewhere where you have no friends, even if you have lots of friends in the next or other towns

baublesandbaileys · 03/12/2012 10:56

and also if you really struggle to fit in then its harder to arrange things for your DCs with the kids they go to school with etc

Nigglenaggle · 04/12/2012 20:55

I think its the old conundrum of coin flipping - if you arent sure then flip a coin. If you like the answer that confirms its what you should do. If you dont like the answer do the opposite. When we said 'Do it!' and you said 'Yay!' that was the answer to what you should do :) If DC agrees with you, then why are you not already moved??? :D

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