"after all, you've got nothing better to do ..."

[MissWooWoo]

I have a very dear friend who I love very much and who is like a sister to me. Every now and again she gets on my nerves (and I her probably) and usually when this happens I let her know in a humour way that she's pissing me off/pushing too hard.

I am a sahm and my daughter started school last year, I don't work. I am becoming increasingly hacked off with my friend and her email comments of "well you don't have anything better/else to do with your day" when there is call for booking dinners/theatre tickets/surfing the net for information on outings. Usually these emails involve other people, all of whom work. Now I don't mind at all looking into these things, of course I can make the time but I really resent the underlying attitude which is "I work, you're sitting around at home twiddling your thumbs, you do it" and I especially don't like it when said in group emails - it kind of makes me feel worthless. When this first started happening I was a bit shocked to be honest and then I got over myself as I do have the time and really she doesn't mean it maliciously, she's just ribbing me. Today, I return from an outing to find that it's now up to me to look into and book something for a group outing because I "don't have anything better to do", and it's made me feel really really cross. I don't want to throw a wobbly over it but I don't know how to get this to stop - my sense of humour has really failed me.

Any suggestions?

I would 'reply all' to the email and say 'Friend, I love you very much and you are like a sister to me. But it really pisses me off when you assume (publicly) that I have nothing useful to do with my time. Research and book your own outing. I have taken my bat home. Lots of love, MissWooWoo.

She's being very rude. I would just talk to her and tell her that her constant comments are becoming quite upsetting. You can gauge from her reaction to that whether she just genuinely didn't realise or wither she's being nasty.

Just tell her how it makes you feel. 'It really hurts my feelings when you say this and I don't find it funny'.

plansitter I could never say that.

TheSkiingGardener I really don't think she's being nasty, unfortunately she cannot have children and would love to be in my position you see, so if anything it's envy. The other day we were email chatting and I said "ooh must go as I need to catch up with X programme before tonight's episode" and she came back with a very nice "love your days" which I got annoyed about as my life isn't a bed of roses 24/7 so I replied "yes, well, yesterday I spent the whole day pretty much crying my eyes out on and off through lack of sleep (daughter had nightmares), PMT and wallowing in the fact that I'm not able to produce another child)"

thanks "defineme" but I feel that I have no right for something like this to hurt my feelings.

so I just sent a group email saying - with humour I hope - that yes I'd be happy to look into it but I'd do that because I wanted to do it and not because I was scratching my arse all day waiting for someone to throw me a bone Or words to that effect. Too much?

I sympathise!

I get this from my DSis.

She never actually tells me that I have nothing better to do but assumes I am available to run errands for her at the drop of a hat. Often with just 5 mins notice.

On a few occasions she has asked me to wait in at her house all day for a delivery but leaves it until the actual day of the delivery to tell me she needs me to do it.

I have only ever asked her for a favour once and got a very terse " I work for a living you know!". She has even refused to ever babysit for me because it's boring.

I now deal with her by never answering my phone if it's her. I'll then call her back the next day with a "oh sorry I missed your call , yesterday was soooo manic! "

I always leave it a few hours before responding to texts too.

The requests have all but stopped now.

It's is MUCH MUCH easier to do www research etc while at work than when at home IMO.

WWID? I would say something very frank to the friend, and let her know that A) you resent her inferences that you are sitting around waiting for her to fill your days; B) Is there any way you can help her with her jealousy issues? and C) You find her approach hurtful and would appreciate it if she would think twice before doing it again.

It doesn't matter whether you have a "right" for it to hurt your feelings. It DOES hurt your feelings and, if she's like a sister to you, she won't want to do that.

Actually, scratch that. If she's like a sister to you she probably will want to do that, then sit on your head and pull your hair and nick the last chocolate Hobnob before you can get to it. But if she's a really good friend who loves you she won't want to do that.

When I was on mat leave I always vounteered to be the one doing research for my working friends, there is usually at least a couple of hours during naps - and if you have no children at home during the day then I guess you do have time? But it should be you colunteering not her telling you!

I am sorry, but you are a sahm, with a child in school, no need for you to spend a day crying (rather than sleeping) because your daughter had nightmares. I cannot believe you cant find time to book an outing, in all these hours, but expect your full time working friends to also do what is at the end of the day your social schedule.

Just tell her "It is true that I have a free day with nothing much but housework and leisure, but dont think my life is full, and I am happy to book stuff, just please stop making a point all the time".

When are you returning to work? It might be their way of asking this, but in a rather brusque way.

I had got the ball rolling by sending a group email to remind everyone that it was coming up and to fix a meet up time depending on whether people wanted to do drinks first and/or after. I was just waiting for replies when she chipped in before I could say "ok, if that's the consensus I'll sort all that". I had already organised who was/wan't coming/dates everyone could do/booked and paid for tickets so it's not like I wasn't "on board" to take care of things. It's not about doing it, it's about being made to feel that everyone else's lives are so much more important than mine because I don't have to clock in at 9am.

some of you are completely missing the point of this op.

yes I am actually SecondComing - I've got a broken foot, the house is a fucking tip because I can barely move around/do anything whilst on crutches. I have all the time in the world but that's not the point - a little ribing is fine, I'm lucky to be a "lady of leisure", I know this, but to have it constantly thrown back at me all the time gets a bit tedious sometimes.

Perhaps she thinks you would like something to do if you're not able to move around that much at the moment?
I think she has perhaps hit a nerve with you. If you didn;t feel sensitive about this then you'd just laugh it off.

However much time you have supposedly "free" and whatever is going on in your life it is rude of your friend to keep going on about it. I think you're right and it is envy, she would love to have a child and not be working. That, however, is her stuff not yours and she is rude to foist her feelings on to you all the time. Glad you've sent that email and hope she gets the message.