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Complicated IL situation - I need a reasonable way forward

3 replies

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 30/08/2012 11:53

Background: DH has a sister living abroad (long-haul) with her husband and children. I've never met any of them but pursued contact once DH and I were engaged via letters, FB, emails, phone, etc. as I felt that I should make an effort. Various things have happened in the last few years culminating in a big drama earlier this year and me deciding that I no longer wanted to make the effort or be in contact with SIL. I don't need advice on re-evaluating that decision but I do need to think through the ramifications for DH and our DC.

DH hasn't seen his sister in nearly 10 years. He's met her oldest child but not the others. Our DC have never met their cousins or had any direct contact with them (too little).

Various reasons - health, financial - have stopped either us visiting them or them visiting us but at some point in the next couple of years this will change. DH and I were thinking of going over this year for a significant event but then we found out we were expecting another DC so had to do some hard saving instead. I was happy for DH to go over by himself for a week-10 days but he decided to save the money and we'd all go with the new baby next year. Then the latest drama happened so I don't want to go next year or any other time.

My position is:

  • I'm still happy for DH to go and visit them by himself or taking our DS too while I stay at home with the baby.
  • When the baby is old enough I'd be happy for him to take both DC.
  • If SIL and her family are ever in a position to come over then I'm happy to attend any family get-togethers.
  • I still organise and send birthday and Christmas presents for the children.

Is that a reasonable position? I don't want to stop DH or our DC from having a relationship with their family but I have no interest in pursuing that relationship for myself.

Sorry that was a bit long!
OP posts:
Olympicnmix · 30/08/2012 12:11

Yes, essentially if your relationship with them has irretrievably broken down then you are being very reasonable. It seems a shame though that you will always miss out on what sounds like a very expensive holiday.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 30/08/2012 12:24

It will be a very expensive holiday but I've been to the same place before pre-DH, I'll cope :o I'm more worried about it not being fair on DH to have to take small DC long-haul on his own (and adult:child ratios on airlines) and then being responsible for them for 2 weeks but then if it was the other way round I wouldn't be phased doing it myself.

OP posts:
Olympicnmix · 30/08/2012 12:29

A male friend of mine has taken his two dcs from HK to the UK by himself yearly since they were about a year and a half old, although I do believe dc2 was atrocious on one of the flights. But he's very pragmatic, including picking up a hire car with car seats and driving the other end.

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