About this friend?

[TheOneWithTheHair]

I was friends with someone I met at my antenatal group and we saw each other most days. The dcs are now three.

I found my friend to be incredibly needy. Everything was a big drama and she was always on the edge of not coping. She didn't grow up in the area and has no family round here so I was a sounding board I suppose. I didn't mind because I hoped someone would be friendly to me in the same situation.

Last Christmas I was having a very hard time with ds1 and I didn't return one of her phone calls. I texted to say that things were a bit frantic but I would speak to her soon or to try texting me in a few days. I didn't hear anything at all. I was a bit hurt by this.

Then a couple of months ago I bumped into her dh and I said how lovely it was to see him and that I hadn't been in touch because I was having a really hard time and maybe my friend could send a quick text. I said that in case of miscommunication at christmas. Again I heard nothing.

Today I had a missed call from her on my mobile. Would you ring her back or text or leave it? Thanks for any advice.

I would leave it.

It sounds like it was only ever a one-sided friendship. You were the sounding board when she needed one, but this was never reciprocated.

My guess is that she now has another drama in her life and wants to offload on to you again.

I thought that but the only reason I'm thinking twice is that her ds has been in play group for a year now so she may have made other friends to sound off on?

If she's made other friends it just means that she'll have a wider audience this time. Or perhaps those newer friends have had a crisis of their own to deal with and have just discovered for themselves that it's a one-way friendship.

Drama queens don't just want one person to talk to. They want to re-live the drama and the excitement of re-telling it to as many people as possible. Very different to people who (like you) just want to talk things through with someone because it helps.

Ok. Thanks coppertop. You speak a lot of sense. I was going to text but thought I would get a second opinion first as I was reluctant to start communication again. I'm glad I did now.

I do feel a bit guilty though.

Do you want to be friendly? If so, call her.

She may have misinterpreted your reply when you were busy, thought you were going to call her and waited and warped in vain. You have no idea if her DH passed on the message as intended (or indeed at all).

If she is lonely/needy, it may be a big deal to her to have called you after a gap. Returning calls is, to me, a basic politeness which does not commit you to any particular onwar course. Not returning them tends to reduce your choices. But if your choice is already made to no longer associate with her, then there is of course no need to call.

I dont really know what I want to do about it. I think about her I'm just a bit wary and I did feel hurt by her lack of response. You are right that I don't know if her dh passed on the message.

I'm assuming he did because we were quite close and I was her only real friend in the area.

I had a friend who, when having a hard time or feeling low, used to just cut contact and not pick up calls until better. I used to find it upsetting and also used to wonder if it was an excuse so in the end I cut contact. I do think that your reply in your text for her to try texting you in a few days was a teeny bit off, perhaps it would have been better for you to have text her when things calmed a little, as she had made effort by calling you. She might have been unsure on when was a good time, or she might have taken your response as rejection a little. Who knows?! I can see too why she may not have text you when you saw her DH. If my DH came home and said 'x says to text her' I probably wouldn't either. I don't see why you haven't texted rather than all these messages and instructions?

I think, if you want to be friends, just give her a call. I hope my reply doesn't offend but may be just a different viewpoint to look at.

Not offended at all. Thank you for your reply.

I get your point about dropping contact when upset and I do have these tendencies. It so rarely happens to me that I haven't thought about it like that. It's happened maybe twice in my adult life and I didn't know her the first time.

Yes my first text could have been put better perhaps but my concern was to not ignore her call but I just didn't have the time or energy for a 40minute winge from her about her latest drama.

When I met her dh I said to ask her to ring me because I wasn't sure she would want to so I put the ball in her court. It was about 3 months later by this point.

Now 8 months down the line I'm not sure I want to start things up again. I have thought about her but it's always edged with a bit of hurt and apprehension.

I think you should at least text her to say you noticed the missed call.
I think it's a bit mean to ignore it.

You don't have to resume a close friendship. But don't ignore her again