dd doesn't want to see her biological father any more

[CookieRookie]

On my phone, forgive any text speak please.

Will try to keep this brief but give as much as I can so no drip feeding.

I'm separated from dd father since she was 1yo, she's now 12. I'm married and with dh for 8 years.

Ex was and still is a complete asshole with what I deem a major drinking problem though he manages to keep a job and get home in one piece if he's out.

I decided long ago not to influence dd's opinion of him because it was done to me as a child and I hated it. I think a child has a right to form their own opinions without biased input from anyone else so I covered for him when he let her down. I listened to his shit, calling me names, insulting dh, threats that he'd take her from me. The list is endless but I never told dd any of it and figured she'd wise up to him herself in time.

Well she has. She's been in some horrible situations. No physical danger but emotionally draining and stressful and his family all stick up for him and deny what she says has happened, him being drunk, abusive to them and dd, driving while drunk, shouting and scaring her and her little sister, his daughter from another relationship.

The latest incident was last week. I managed, after hours on the phone,to get someone to collect her. we're three hours away and both me and dh were working. She was so happy to be home and said that's it, she's never goin to see them again.

I feel she's old enough to decide and we've told her that's fine. We're going to a solicitor about the latest incident and have him stopped from contacting us and only dd when she wants to talk.

I feel I need to write a more personal letter too to explain in no uncertain terms what the last number of years have been like for dd and why exactly she doesn't want to see them again because the solicitor letter won't go into that detail. I thought maybe dd could write her own too and that's where the problem lies.

Would I be wrong for encouraging her to do that? Would it be more hurt and stress on her little mind than she should have to deal with or would it perhaps give her the voice she never has when actually in his company or trying to talk on the phone?

Als, I'd have to help her word it. If I did and this all goes to court would my helping her be seen as some sort of coercion?

Wwyd?

May not be back for a while, in work.

Tia

i made my own decision not to see my dad a few years after your dd, and i wrote him a letter explaining exactly WHY i didnt want to see him- and it helped!
you can pm if you want, and i dont mind showing you the letter if it will help you with the shock of what your dd might write!

Had a long post but the phone ate it

Thanks bubbless.

My dad abandoned mum when she was expecting me and when I finally got in touch I did the same as you which is why I thought it might be a good idea for dd but I didn't go through what dd is so I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing or not.

Thing is, if he would just accept his mistakes, apologise and stop drinking she would be willing to try and have a relationship with him but he keeps shooting himself in the foot by blaming me and dh because dd knows we have never tried to sway her thoughts about him.

He's a born liar too and will blatantly lie to her face and try to convince her she is lying or not recalling a particular incident as it really happened.

He also insisted she sleep in the same room as him last week when he and his mother both promised her that would not happen anymore after she found porn in his room and they attempted to convince her not to tell me.

He slept on the sofa for the first few nights then when the little sister went home he decided it was too uncomfortable and it was just her tough Luck.

I'm rambling now sorry.

its okay, ive been through the manipulation with my dad as well, as its hard going.
my dad would swear blind that the grass was blue and not green if he fancied and after a while it really starts to affect you- i spent a long time getting treatment because i thought my perception of things was wrong..

i think you need to support your dd in doing what she wants, and if that means not going to see her dad then it could save a lot of agro in the long run..
sounds like the entire family are dickheads a tad.. unconvential anyway!

Thanks again, I think you're right. I'm going to take her lead and just support her decisions. She's with a psychologist today so she'll get to talk things through with someone neutral and hopefully it'll give her the confidence to set healthy boundaries around what she is willing to accept or not.

I'm going to go ahead and write my own letter too and then I am changing my number. Will be hassle but after the last couple of days its obvious it needs to be done.

Thanks again, take care.

Support her decisions. My DD decided the same at 3yo. We never regretted it, he was best out of her life. DS (15yo) is now feeling the same way about his dad and doesn't see him any more.

Anyone who says "Well s/he needs her/his dad" can come over here to be slapped hard. They just don't know (fortunately) how appalling some biological parents can be.

My daughter is 15 and she has decided not to see her father also. My solicitor said at her age she is perfectly capable of making the decision herself and her father would be wasting everyone's time and his money taking me to court over this.

I am pretty sure this is the same for a 12 year old. I would advise you to support their decision as best you can, and maybe every now and then just check, or slightly challenge them, to see if that decision is still the same. This is what I do anyway, but ultimately I have to trust her judgement, whether I agree or not, and if she decides she wants to see him suddenly then I will try to support that too.

It is very sad I know, but I feel my daughter is better off not seeing her father - he is a very unbalanced, nasty piece of work and I feel she is happier and more stable without his influence.

My daughter (19) has decided not to see her dad.

Of course this is all my fault ... And I still check with her that she's happy with her choice.

I do hear from well meaning friends and family that she has to give in eventually!! I don't agree , I see my job is to support her in her well thought out choice.

I know she's a bit older than some of the children mentioned here.
She tells me her life is a thousand times better without him in it.

Typing - I get told it is all my fault too and I have influenced her. Luckily my friends agree and support me, but her father refuses to accept that she has made this decision alone. What teenager would do what we told them anyway - if I told her not to see him she would no doubt argue and disagree with me tbh.

I guess if they blame us for their child's decision they don't have to look at or address their own appalling behaviour which has led the children to not want to see them.

So glad I'm not the only one. Ex is exactly as you described yours fergoose.

For so long dd treated him like a hero and because we sheltered her from his bullshit he could bask in the glory of that status but he didn't figure she'd grow up and see him for what he really is.

Dd was so upset last night recalling the horrible things he had said to his mum in front of her and how sad she looked. Found it very difficult to help her with that because, though I know his mother is afraid of him, she covers for him and lies for him all the time. He's nearly 40, two failed relationships, both with children, still parties like a 20 year old and lives with her, abuses her, scares her and truth be known is still pissing the bed like he was when I was pregnant with Dd.

How can I feel sorry for her when she insists on enabling him. Its very obvious he's a functioning alcoholic.

Cookie - I was just the same. I sheltered her from his bullshit too - and only now do I realise how awful he was to her when he was here. Regardless of how he has behaved since the split, he had already been damaging her for years before with the awful way he treated her. And I spent my life telling her how wonderful he was, etc. How wrong was I!

How terrible that your ex treats his own mother in such an appalling way - I guess that is where his total lack of respect for women started - not that that is an excuse or justification is it.

My ex has a huge alcohol problem too - so awful that I have been teetotal for 15 years since the first time I saw him in an alcohol fuelled temper.

You've already had great advice on here and I really have nothing more helpful to add.
Just wanted to say you strike me as being an absolutely fantastic parent. You have put your daughter's feelings first throughout despite your xh's terrible behaviour. I think I would have told him to stick his parental rights up his arse long ago.

Honestly, you have done all you could to help maintain her relationship with this man.
I wish you all the best.

Fergoose, I used to do the same. Sing his praises to dd even when he was being horrible because I felt like she needed to believe she had the best daddy in the world. Probably says a lot about my issues with my own dad, who knows?

Thanks MTCH. I certainly don't get it right a lot of the time but it was lovely to read your post and feel good about some of my choices. I spend a lot of time worrying how wrong I'm gettin parenthood and maybe not enough time feeling good about the things I get right. I suspect I'm not the first and won't be the last parent to do that. We should do a 'proud of ourselves thread'.