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WWYD if you could often hear your neighbours arguing and sometimes he hits her. Report?

19 replies

DottyWottyDooDah · 22/08/2012 21:38

My NDN moved in a few years ago a single lady with adult son.
Son has moved out.
BF moved in few months after.

He has a very jovial public persona, but the walls are paper thin and we can hear every argument word for word.

They both drink a lot. Especially in summer, part time jobs, then sitting in the garden with wine for much of the day/eve. When they have had a lot to drink they often row.

On many occasions I have heard her shout "ow, get off me, you're hurting me" or similar. Once I heard her telling him to get out or she'd call the police (hadn't heard him hurting her though, that time).

Then last year they got married.

It settles down in winter, but over the last few months I can hear them again, about once a week arguing and once a month him hurting her :(

But when they're sober they seem to get on really well. They conduct much of their life on the patio and we can hear most conversations when we have windows open.

Does she have a choice here? Is she choosing to stay with this pathetic excuse for a man?

We used to exchange pleasantries with her, but after we had a loud conversation one night with some friends who had come round about her precious incessant yappy dogs she blanks us.

He on the other hand....can't stop him when he gets chatting and is very 'friendly' to us.

I don't feel I can talk to her about it, as she has bad feeling towards us. Sometimes I wonder about calling the police during an argument.

Oh, and they have really loud make up sex and then a fag on the patio under my bedroom window and shoot the breeze together, chatting about this and that, as if nothing had happened.

Wwyd? Anything?

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CalamityJ · 22/08/2012 23:11

Are there ever any physical injuries? If not then it would only ever be your word against hers and as she "loves him" then she'd side with him. You are right to care about her despite your "differences" so I would keep looking out for her and if you see any evidence of physical injury then think about getting the police involved during the next domestic.

The reason she stays with him is because there are some good times and she can down play the bad times for the sake of playing up the good times. And good sex is a powerful magnet back to an unsuitable situation. If the fights get more frequent and more abusive then she may start to wonder if the bad times are bad enough but until then she'll keep forgiving him. Especially if she's a drinker too and they egg each other on. She'll say it's her fault for provoking him despite the fact I could provoke my husband till I'm blue in the face (I never would as that would be a horrible thing to do) and he would never hit me because it's not in his nature. If it's in her partner's nature then he'll keep doing it and probably blaming it on her provoking him. And when she drinks she probably does get his back up but it's never an excuse for an argument to turn physical no matter how much provocation. They're just not good for each other but with great sex it's unlikely they'll see it that way themselves.

DottyWottyDooDah · 22/08/2012 23:39

Thanks for your thoughts CalamityJ really interesting.

No physical injuries I have seen.

I doubt she actually wants to end the relationship which is why I doubt calling the police is the right thing to do, but I sometimes wonder if it would put the frighteners on him a little.

He must know we can hear him though. We sneeze and he says 'Bless you'. crappy new builds

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onedev · 22/08/2012 23:42

It sounds like they're as bad as each other from what you've posted, but he's maybe less vocal.

If she appears to need help then id probably get involved, but from how you've described it then I'd probably keep my nose out!

DottyWottyDooDah · 22/08/2012 23:50

I don't think she is violent to him. Have never heard that, anyway.

They're shouting at each other now and they've just crashed a load of bottles in the recycling bin outside ds's bedroom. Thanks Hmm

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onedev · 22/08/2012 23:54

That might be the only time i'd intervene - to ask them to keep the noise down because of your DS.

Obviously i have no idea since im not there, but I still reckon if it's drunken then it's likely to be both of them - they both sound like nasty drunks (that said, if you feel she's in real trouble then you should call the police).

EightiesChick · 23/08/2012 00:00

Sadly I can easily see this ending up as a situation where they unite against the police/authorities and you, and you end up with incredibly hostile neighbours who think you have reported them out of spite. Very unfair, but I wouldn't be surprised.

If she doesn't speak to you, there is little you can do, otherwise I would suggest asking leading questions during a friendly chat.

There is always the option of knocking on the door and calling 'Are you all right?' if it sounds like something is going on, in the hope that that might make them stop. You could say the noise woke your DS so you wanted to be sure nothing was wrong. That might quieten them down for the moment at least. But, unfortunately, it doesn't sound as if she is minded to entertain the idea of breaking up with him.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/08/2012 00:01

I would call the police because she also knows the Walls are thin and I would hate anyone to think I thought this was ok.

To me it would feel like I was colluding in it being ok if I didn't report it as she would know that I heard.

gingerchick · 23/08/2012 00:06

Please ring the police as a survivor of dv I would not be alive today if it wasn't for a neighbours concern please please don't hesitate

DottyWottyDooDah · 23/08/2012 00:08

I do feel a bit that way Laurie :(

He makes my skin crawl when we chat. I'm thinking, "go away you shitty wife beater", and concerned that I am colluding by ignoring it and carrying on as normal.

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yellowraincoat · 23/08/2012 00:10

I would report it.

gingerchick · 23/08/2012 00:10

Seriously do it

LaurieFairyCake · 23/08/2012 00:12

Can you try to minimise chat with him, maybe giving him the cold shoulder would make you feel better.

I'd find it hard not to say pointedly 'I heard you last night', but I'm a bit of a bitch Grin

DottyWottyDooDah · 23/08/2012 00:12

So sorry gingerchick :(

I think she will turn them away

Then I have to live in their pockets

Can I report anonymously. Or chat to PCSO? Would they have a word with him?Even so, it could only be me or the neighbour on the other side.

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DottyWottyDooDah · 23/08/2012 00:14

I do minimise the chat but he is oblivious and something of a motormouth.

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DottyWottyDooDah · 23/08/2012 00:16

OTOH he works nights and I sometimes accidentally let my 2 DC play their drumkits in the room next to his Grin

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gingerchick · 23/08/2012 00:17

Even if she turns them away the incident will be logged, this may help her if she ever does try to leave. HzmI am obviously biased but I think morally it is your only option if something awful happened and you haven't said anything you would never forgive yourself

1in2000 · 23/08/2012 00:20

You must call the police. The next time they are shouting, ring 999, as to remain anonymous and tell them that you have heard him become violent in the past. She cannot turn the police away and just by calling you will set into motion a chain of suppor to help this woman realise that she does not have to stay with this poor excuse for a man.

EightiesChick · 23/08/2012 00:35

Do you rent or own?

DottyWottyDooDah · 23/08/2012 08:59

I own, so does she.

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