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Original poster

Mother in law who doesn't make effort to visit

19 replies

catherinemm · 15/08/2012 11:45

My mother in law isn't interfering and never makes annoying classic MIL comments but recently part of her behaviour has begun to really get to me. We live 4 hrs drive from her and very near my parents (only 15 mins away). We used to live nearer her (about 90 mins away) and ever since we moved she has hardly visited. This begun to bother me before my son was born (particularly when we invited her for Christmas a couple of years ago and she decided not to come at the last minute and we only found out after my husband rang to check what time she was arriving on Xmas eve - she didn't bother to tell us!) but since he arrived (he's nearly 7 months) its really getting to me. She works in adult education and therefore has the whole summer off - she said she'd come and visit but hasn't bothered and told my husband it may be a 'bit much to come'. I know it's a long way but it's much easier for her to travel than for us right now - my husband is self employed so doesn't get much time off. Plus her house is a building site so not a pleasant place to stay with a young baby! This Saturday its my husbands birthday and despite the fact he said he really didn't want to spend half his birthday in the car, we are driving down to visit her. I would really like to say something about her not visiting. She's only seen her grandson 3 times and seems to be bothered by this - she says so both in person and on the phone. We do visit when we can but shed see him more if she bothered to make the effort! She'd also be put up in comfort and have a relaxing break from her building site house! I don't want her to come often or anything. She sees her other grandchildren every week (they live about an hour away) and would just like her to see her grandson a bit more. She's not that old and perfectly fit so it seems the only reason for her not visiting is because she cannot be bothered. In contrast I know my parents would come and see us if we lived far away - we may be moving again soon back to nearer the MIL and my mum say she would visit as often as we could bear her too! I'd like to say something rather than letting it fester. Do you think I should? If so, any advice as to how?

OP posts:

Original poster

catherinemm · 15/08/2012 11:49

I should also add that she doesn't put pressure on us to visit her - in fact she seems stressed by us coming cos of the state of her house (though at the same time moans about not seeing her grandson). I sort of get the impression she's pissed off with us for living where we do, though looking back when we lived nearer her she never came to us either - we only saw more of her as we went to hers more often

OP posts:

RustyBear · 15/08/2012 11:52

Could she have some health problem that makes her unwilling to travel, but which she doesn't want to tell you about? My MIL had a bowel problem which made her very unwilling to travel in case she couldn't get to a toilet, but she didn't tell us for ages - in fact not until she was going into hospital to have it fixed.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 15/08/2012 11:53

Have you asked her the reason why she doesn't come to see you? She may feel she has a valid reason for not coming to you more often.

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cornybootseeker · 15/08/2012 11:54

4 hours drive is a long way for one person to travel. Agree with possible health problems also.

lots33 · 15/08/2012 12:00

I think some people are just more interested in their children and grandchildren than others. My mum lives about 4 hours away too. She isn't particularly interested in small children but gets better as they get older! She visits once a year and if we want to see her more than that (which is hard as we have an active toddler and she lives in a very small, un childfriendly flat) we go and see her. However, she has taken away older grandchildren (8 plus) abroad without their parents so maybe your MIL will be like that too. I've learned not to worry about it.

Original poster

catherinemm · 15/08/2012 15:40

Hello, thanks for the replies. No I've never asked - though I don't think she has a medical condition. I think it's because she doesn't like doing the journey, especially on her own. What I stupidly did not mention is that she has a partner who she lives with and we'd love him to visit too - he has the same issue with travelling as my husband tho (self employed, not much time off). I'm not asking them to visit often, it just would be nice if they'd come here maybe a couple of times a year so it's not always us going to them. They came up immediately after my son was born (bit too soon really!) and I thought it was a sign of things changing but it wasn't. I'm kicking myself now that because I was about funny about seeing lots of people then (12 hrs after giving birth, having problems with breastfeeding) that maybe I put the MIL off coming again - that could be an angle to approach the subject with her.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 15/08/2012 15:45

Sounds to me like she can't win! She came too soon after the birth and now doesn't come enough.

Just leave her alone. If she wants to visit, great. If not, then that's tough. Send her photos, Skype regularly etc.

You can't make people do what you want them to do. She will visit when she's ready.

Although not letting you know about Christmas was rude.

Original poster

catherinemm · 15/08/2012 15:53

You're right! I didn't tell her it was too soon when she visited after the birth but wonder if I wasnt welcoming enough (though still in hospital). Think I just have to leave her to it

OP posts:

Moxxie · 15/08/2012 15:57

My MiL is exactly the same - crying about not seeing her only grandson one minute, but refusing to come and visit the next. To be fair, we're in the middle of renovating so it's not ideal, but she could stay with her daughter or in a hotel (if she stopped the "woe is me, I have no money" act - er, cut down on the fags love, you'd be minted).
I think my MIL wants to be "invited", i.e. gosh, we'd so love for you to come and visit... blah. We have a 7mo and I'm about to go back to work, we don't have time for the protracted grovelling. Guess where we're going this weekend...

Original poster

catherinemm · 15/08/2012 16:11

We have tried inviting but she won't ever pin down when. She'll say 'perhaps, will have to see', then my husband will call again and she says it's 'too much'. Interesting the renovating problem is the other way around for us - staying there is not comfortable. This weekend we're camping in her garden as no where to stay in the house. I don't really mind in the summer. We can't afford a hotel or anything at the moment as I'm not earning (on mat leave still).

OP posts:

Original poster

catherinemm · 15/08/2012 16:21

OP posts:

Moxxie · 15/08/2012 16:29

I suppose there are worse problems, like all those people who have to put up with their MILs turning up all the time! But I just hate the journey, and it feels a bit like we're going for our audience with the Queen - we have to make all the effort. And listen to the moaning about how she never sees us. But you are a better woman than I, there's no way I'd be camping in the damn garden!

Original poster

catherinemm · 17/08/2012 11:58

I agree - I think the perpetually turning up MIL could be worse. I guess I feel like she isn't that interested in her grandson, but it's probably down to the fact she's rather set in her ways about travelling

OP posts:

Sazbird · 19/08/2012 03:39

Ha my step mil lived next door for 6mths an she still moaned she didnt see youngest enough. Sorry but i pfrefer NOT to have my only girl in a house that stinks of fags and cats (i gave up smokin in april and she has 14 cats at last count with no litter training)

MelanieSminge · 19/08/2012 03:45

honestly OP it sounds as though you are looking for something to moan about.
you chose to move 4 hours away from her........
what would you prefer, one of those overbearing types on your back non stop?

futureunknown · 19/08/2012 03:57

We live thousands of miles from my parents and only see them once a year. We travel to them, they don't come to us as they don't cope very well with the long journey.

As long as you speak on the phone regularly and exchange photos it is fine. You don't have to see each other all the time to have a close relationship.

tuckingfits · 19/08/2012 03:58

corrrr she sounds like my mil. Turned up uninvited from 5hr drive away 40 minutes after we got home with ds,born 3 days earlier by c section after traumatic labour for everyone. Was made to feel welcome etc i may have got a bit frosty when she suggested i should hoick massive pram down three flights of stairs & go for a walk on the 2" ice so that i would feel better... 4 days after 18hour labour & section with infected wound...

Now we don't see her unless we do the trip - baby,dog & half of the household possessions to her shit tip home. No cot/highchair etc so all that goes with us. We moved house last June & she has been twice. Another trip was planned but she didn't come & again we only found out when dp phoned to check what time the following day we should expect her.

I don't know what the answer is,I jist wanted to back you up & say it doesn't sound to me like you are being difficult or that she can't win... She only needs to do it twice a year fgs & it's so.much easier for one person to pack a small bag of stuff than you having to uproot your entire life to take your ds to her shit tip.

tuckingfits · 19/08/2012 04:01

and oh yes to the poster who suggested giving up the fags and box of wine every night

tuckingfits · 19/08/2012 04:03

and sorry for drip.feeding but I should say I get on alright with mil when we do spend time together. I just think she's not necessarily all there...

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