Traditional in-laws

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Hi all, new here so please be gentle

I don't actually have kids (yet) but my long term partner and I will be TTC shortly when I come off the implant. It may be a bit premature to query this, but just wondering what you guys have to say regarding traditional thinking in-laws.

To elaborate, my DP and I have no interest in getting married but would love a family. We believe we'd rather spend the money we have on raising our future kids, than blowing the budget on a big wedding. (That said, I'm not anti-marriage at all.) However, whilst my own parents are pretty open minded about modern family set ups, my DP's Dad and Step-Mum are very adamant that marriage should always come before children. They have even said as much publicly on family occasions (especially Christenings*), which is really awkward as we haven't told anyone we're going to try for a baby, and after hearing their views, I'd frankly be quite scared to tell them if we did get pregnant for fear of disapproval. (His Dad was already married with 2 kids by the time he was DP's age - 27, and despite being divorced once, still has old school views!)

Just wondering how any of you would handle this situation? I suppose I'm asking now before I'm even pregnant so I can prepare myself for their reaction! I know I shouldn't care what other people think and just do what we want, but I don't want to risk alienating his family, especially as his Step-Mum and I haven't the best relationship already. She's not a horrible person, but we're very different and she has (to put it politely) a rather brash manner.

Thanks in advance for any advice! x

*Don't even get me started on Christenings! DP and I are not at all religious, but of course a baptism would be 'expected' (DP's Dad is from a large Catholic family.) Nightmare.

I'd say it's your decision and they can like it or lump it. It might be awkward at first, but surely the birth of a grandchild would supersede their narrowmindedness traditional views?

I would be firm but polite in breaking the news to them, and don't let it get to you. If you choose not to get married that is entirely your decision as a couple, and grandparents would be very daft to let that get in the way of enjoying the GC's

Since this is "What would you do" - well, I'd have a very cheap quiet wedding. But then I believe in marriage. And then when the baby came along we'd have some kind of dedication service in church, because that's what my religion does. No way would I conform to their religion!

But if I were you, with your views on marriage and baptism - I'd make sure I announced my pregnancy on neutral ground, like maybe in a restaurant at the end of a meal with them. So they'd be embarrassed to be too awful to me in public, and I could get up and walk out if I needed too.

And if it became necessary, I'd ask them to keep their disapproval of babies-outside-marriage and unbaptised-babies well and truly hidden in my presence. Because if they didn't then they'd find I didn't want to spend any time with them and they wouldn't get to see said baby ...

You're (potentially) having their Grandchild. You call the shots.

And if your Step-MIL is brash, that means you're allowed to be, too.

Thanks for the responses. I do like the neutral ground idea. Maybe making the announcement when there are other family members present also, so they can't make a scene. I may have been presumptuous in expecting them to react negatively, and they may surprise me by being delighted so I guess I will only truly know when it happens. In the meantime, DP and I will carry on as usual until the issue crops up for real! I wouldn't rule out marriage either, plus it might be nice to have my son/daughter as a little page boy or flower girl at my own wedding one day!

Weddings don't need to be expensive. Ultimately it't your decision as a couple but it costs less than £250 to get married in a registry office.

i thought my mum and dad would be bothered ...but they really arent!! id been with my guy for about ten months when i let the know theyd be gp's again. so we havent even been together that long. dont worry about it im sure theyl surprise you xx

Hi also to loveschocolate & Lora1982,

Although marriage isn't on the agenda right now, I could potentially see it in my future, so I'm pleased to know that I wouldn't have to break the bank! Incidentally, in general conversation the other day, my Mum told me that in the 80s, her friend planned her own wedding in 10 days, baked her own cake, got a second hand dress, and married on a Tuesday afternoon! So at least I know it can be achieved on the cheap.

I'm not rushing into having kids either, considered it a long time and taking the "if it happens it happens" approach. I hope that in this case I have read too much into Step-MIL's comments. When I think about it carefully, (without getting my judgey pants on - as ladies here say), could DP's Dad really be such a traditional Catholic if he has already been divorced? I don't know that situation as it happened when DP was young, and now I'm probably over-complicating it by assuming that religion has anything to do with their attitude.

My Mum always says that life doesn't give you neat little boxes, and if you wait for everything to be perfect it'll never happen. So guess I've got to trust my instinct on this one. If IL's turn out to be supportive, wonderful! If not, there's not much they can do about it if I'm already preg!

Your life, your decision.

I half agree with Bertha though. I'm not at all religious but think it makes sense to get married before having children. I accept and respect that some people are fundamentally opposed to marriage as a concept, but it sounds like you are opposed to expensive weddings rather than marriage. There are practical/legal reasons for parents to marry, and whilst I expect you can achieve its advantages (or most of them) in other ways, it's probably harder. EG what happens if decisions need to be made about your care during pregnancy by someone other than you? What happens to DP's assets/pension if he suddenly dies. Marriage will automatically offer you some protection against (some aspects of) life going wrong.

I wouldn't get married to please your inlaws, but if you are going to get married at some point but only want a low key wedding, then do it now?

Seems like you're confusing marriage and wedding.

As other posters have said, it costs very little to be married.

Well I think you should remind them that their God has given human being free will, and that they should emulate him by doing the same! Seriously, though, you absolutely must show them at the outset that they cannot bully you into doing life their way. It's short-term pain for long-term gain. If you don't stand your ground on important matters this early on, things will become much worse in the future - especially once you have kids. You will live to regret it. Do the thing that scares you most. Also your kids will be thankful to have such a good, self-confident role model in their parents.

Hmm, if you are open to the idea of marriage just not wanting/affording the big wedding then I'd suggest you do that before you start TTC, it can be a quick registary office job - if you wanted the big church wedding later, most will do the full service without the legal bit (it's not actually noticable to the guests that it's different) or you could have a humanist ceremony. There's a lot of legal protection for a married mother than an unmarried mother just doesn't have - and 9/10 times it's the mother's career prospects and financial security that are damaged by having DCs, not the mans. It's a way to look after yourself that's quick, simple and a lot cheaper than drawing up various agreements with solicitors that have to be changed when your situations change.

If you don't go down this route, then just get pregnant and tell them with others around who will be trusted to react in a positive way - if there's various other relatives cheering, crying and wishing you congratulations, it will be harder for them to strop up. Then it's 'done'. However, I assume your DP will then be told regularly that he needs to "make an honest woman of you" and he'll get the hassle for "not doing the right thing".

if DPs dad is divorced and remarried then, unless he has an annulment issued by the RC church (which means his first marriage was not a valid catholic marriage) he is living in "sin" in RC terms.

Technically he and new wife would have the same status in the eyes of the RCC as you and DP.

If he did get an annulment from first marriage then he would be free to marry new wife depending on what grounds the annulment was given. If you want the technicalities of what the grounds for annulment are I can give details . In a previous life I was a RC and studied RC canon (church) law at Uni.

Indeed, DPs dad is in the eyes of the Catholic Church not married to his stepmum.

That said, I agree with dontmind, that from a financial and legal point of view it could be better to be married with children involved. My colleague got married a couple of years ago in her lunch hour!!!! COst her diddly squat!

DP's Dad was raised Catholic, but as far as I'm aware, Step-MIL is not, so it amused me at the idea of them living in sin! ! My auntie & uncle didn't marry until my cousin was 18, they had been together 25 years, longer than a lot of marriages these days. Auntie told me that the main reason for marrying was legal security, as her DP would have not received her pension if she died and vice versa. I can't imagine leaving it that long if I do decide to marry! DP and I have discussed hypothetical elopement, I'd do Gretna Green, he'd want Las Vegas! I've just seen many couples manage well with children without needing or wanting to marry and thought that would be the better option for DP and I, but looking at some of your replies it would be worth a bit more research.

With regards to FIL and Step-MIL, if they did get arsey uppity about my future potentially un-wed pregnancy, then I could at least quote catsrus and regain some moral high ground!