DD (8) being left out of parties - and it's probably all my fault

[Growlithe]

For every year of infants we'd had a party for our DD and invited the whole class or all the girls as appropriate. When she went into juniors, we asked her for her 8th did she want a party or did she want to see a West End show with the family. She chose the show. I also took 3 of her friends from school and 2 from outside school to the cinema and for a meal. This was by no way a party in my eyes.

Turns out two of her little circle of friends thought it was a party, and she'd left them out. They then invited all the others in the gang to their parties and left only her out.

The one who has just done it even went so far as to bring matching hairbands in for them all to wear in school on the day of the party - except my DD of course! She told my DD that her mum said she couldn't invite her because my DD didn't invite her to the cinema.

I couldn't afford to take any more to the cinema after the London trip. Now she's so sad about it all I wish I had. I just didn't think for a minute it would start this pettiness amongst the parents. The hairbands thing must have been awful for her.

Now one of the girls who did come to the cinema is saying she might not be able to invite my DD to her party next June! I know this mum and I know she wouldn't allow this to happen but its just hurting my DD.

My dilemma is this. My DDs birthday is next, and I really want her to have a party to make up for all this. Should we be inviting the girls that left her out though? She really wants to but I am so angry with the way these girls (and their parents) made her feel that I don't want them near. I think I may have started it all inadvertently though.

If you've got this far thanks, and would you invite these girls?

oh dear that is a dilemma, if you dont invite them then it will stop your dd going to any more parties, but I wouldn't want to invite them after all that! I think I would invite them but ensure they don't win the pass the parcel.

:-( about the girl who DID go and is now talking about leaving your DD out! She must be getting swept along with the others in the whole "your friends with her so I don't like you" crap. Could you invite this girl round to play on her own and try to get her more on side, which might filter through to the others?

I would invite those whom your dd wants to invite. Who knows what their friendship groups will be in 11 months time!

The only caveat I would add is not to invite them if they have been actively horrible to your dd. Ds wanted to invite dcs to his party last year that had been nasty to him, in the hope that they would become friends. Knowing the dcs and parents I knew that was a definite no no and vetoed it.

Why not make a really big party, and on the invite say something like

"We are making up for not having a birthday party last year, and will make a really big bash this year"

I would definitely invite them.
Not the same, but a little girl spent a few weeks around Easter time picking on DS in a really horrible and cruel way. When this was found out, she was given a telling off by the school and her parents. DS insisted on inviting her to his party a few weeks ago, and I really didn't want to. But I did, and it was the right thing for DS- To leave her out would have made it harder for him than anyone else. I do understand, though- These kinds of things are horrible :(

Thanks for the replies. I guess I know the right thing to do, I'm just so furious about it. Both parties she wasn't invited to were in the houses of the girls, so it must have been pettiness rather than money. You are the voice of reason and I know I must rise above it.

I have done small treats with a couple of ds's friends since yr 1, He gets invited to loads of different parties, even though the birthday boy wasn't invited to ds's 'treat'. How petty.

I don't think it's your fault.
I've only ever allowed dd to invite 2-3 friends to her parties or birthday outings. But she still gets invites from the ones not invited. I think it is pettiness on the part of the girls and I wouldn't want to invite them, but 11 months is a long way away.

Gosh that's so petty! You shouldn't feel bad about it. If other parents don't understand that its not possible to take half a class to the cinema then they are a bunch of thick twats.

My DDs party would be at the end of October, so I'll have to start booking it when they get back to school. I think I'll have to invite them, but give the mums a few withering looks when they arrive.