Career and baby - what would you do?

[RobinScherbatsky]

I am 39 in a few months. I was pretty unlucky in love until I met DP about 18 months ago. Everything is going fantastically and I can see us getting married.

I am a lawyer and my firm is putting me up for partnership this year, which is something that I want and feel I deserve. If all goes well I'll be promoted next April.

However the big niggle that I have is that if DP and I are to have a family we need to get on with it PDQ - I have no idea how fertile I am but it goes without saying that my age is not on my side. We're not quite at the stage of having an open discussion about it but I think that time will come within the next 6 months or so. He knows all about the partnership prospects and is extremely supportive, involved and proud of me.

Part of the partnership process is putting together a business plan and there is , unsuprisingly, a strong expectation that the hard work really starts after the promotion. There is the added complication that partnership is not the same as being an employee so I'd have no rights as such. But realistically I'm likely to have no choice but to start to try for a baby within the first year of partnership.

My firm is of course well aware of my age and my immediate boss knows all about DP. Boss has put me forward regardless, so I suppose I just need to go through the process without mentioning the elephant in the room and then do what I need to do for my personal life. But is it disingenuous to promise in a business plan that I will be fully committed when I know that I am unlikely to be able to be?

Of course I have never mentioned babies to work as I am not legally obliged to do so and they can't ask, but (given that they must have worked it out) might it be more honest to do so? I work in a non-UK office where the maternity leave is only 13 weeks and we could afford to have full time live in help so I am in theory fine with only having three months properly off. However I have no idea how hard I'd be able to work while pregnant and how having a baby at home would affect my performance at work. And ideally we'd want two children...

Before anyone berates me for putting career before having children, and making my own bed so I have to lie in it, a 5 year relationship was ended by my then DP when I was 30 and I tried really really hard to find a new DP after that - I even took a step down into an in-house job for a while to focus on my personal life (Oh God the memories of the internet dates...) but it just didn't work out for an awfully long time and so of course I kept working hard all the while. Now career and love life success have come at the same time, but I would be very churlish to say that was "unfortunate". It is a bit of a pain though. Can anyone offer any advice?

Hmm, I'm also a lawyer but have never been offered partnership because I've worked part time for the last 19 years. Having said that, I often put the job first, when my children were ill I'd do whatever was necessary to avoid taking time off work, etc.

I wouldn't say anything in the business plan about possibly needing to take three months out to have a baby. As you say, they're not dumb and will have thought about the possibility.

You will probably find the first few months pretty hard. I went back when ds1 was 3 months old and was permanently knackered as he was a terrible sleeper, but you just get used to managing on 3 or 4 hours sleep a night after a while.

Things often have a way of working themselves out. You seem to have already decided that you do want children, and if that means that your work takes a back seat for a year or two then so be it. I think you would regret not having children more than not making partner, and remember that not all partners work full time. A friend of mine is a corporate lawyer, but in professional support and works 3 days in the office and one at home, so it is doable. She's a director but still knocks off at 5pm every day.

Speaking as someone who completely sacrificed my own career to have a family....have a baby.

It took us 4 years to conceive DC1. When we started to ttc we planned my career, holidays and so on around having a baby. In the end we stopped trying to plan. We got there in the end, but the point is that you have no idea how long it might take you to conceive, you might still have time to work through your business plan!

If you want two DCs, you really would be best advised to get on with ttc, pronto. Miscarriages and stillbirths (sorry to be morbid) happen with much more frequency than people think. I have a late-30s friend who recently had a stillbirth and she now has to take time to recover from that, whilst still wanting to have a family, and she knows she needs to be getting on with that. What an awful situation.

I had career counselling a while back and a very good exercise to clarify what you want from life is to try to imagine your own epitaph. Think about your death bed. Do you want to lie there thinking "I'm glad I achieved x in my career" or do you want to be proud of your children and grandchildren. Ideally both, I know, but thinking about that might help you to come to a decision.

If children feature in your plans, please please go for it. The sooner the better.

I should add that I didn't sacrifice my career willingly, I do have some regrets there but absolutely don't regret having children.

Thanks both. To be honest, I have always wanted a partner but been ambivalent about having children, so I would not for example have done what friends have done and gone down the donor route if I had still been single. However DP wants them and so now I do too. But since I have not spent years craving a baby I do wish I had the luxury of a bit more time, just to get a year's partnership under my belt. But at my age I simply do not have that luxury. However we can't start trying right away as our relationship is not yet at that stage and it's one thing not to mention babies in the business plan, quite another to risk being visibly pregnant at the interview!

What an exciting but confusing time for you.

It sounds as though you have worked really hard to get where you are in your career and you are close to being rewarded. I would certainly not mention any baby plans to your employer as unfortunately there are no certainties in life. You have to write the business plan based on your current situation as how can you know when or even if you may fall pregnant.

I think you need to ask yourself which would make you sadder, not making partner or not having a baby? Only you can answer that and there isn't a right or wrong answer. Whichever you decide, you should make that your priority and hope you are blessed with the other also. Your career will naturally take a back seat if you are pregnant but it does not necessarily mean your company will value you any the less.

Being pregnant and looking after small children is tough whether you have a demanding career, a part time job or are a stay at home mum, but I am in no doubt you could find a way to make it work for you and DP.

Good luck with your plans.

Hi OP,

I wouldn't mention anything about your family plans at work, as you may find yourselves unable to have children but if you mention anything it could work against you whatever happens.

I just wanted to post this TED Talk by Sheryl Sandberg - "Why we have too few women leaders". It resonates with me every time I have a wobble about work and family.

I would just get on with it. It will all work itself out.

I'm 41 and have been trying for a baby for almost three years. Have actually given up hope now as DH has a fertility problem. Don't mean to put a downer on things but it may not happen for you either.

:(

Hi Robin... I get that you're a planner, you want to work out what it's going to be like and how it'll all work/pan out. Have all your ducks in a row. That's admirable and noble.

But I would say that if you plan to be a mother the best thing you can do, and I would go as far as to say it's essential, is to realise that you really won't be in control any more, and you can't plan every detail. Or indeed very much at all...

Timings, for example, are likely to be very different from what you may plan... You may become pregnant far sooner than you think, or it may take far longer. You may think, as I did, that you'll be happy to go back to work after three months but find yourself really not wanting to, or suffering post natal depression and not being able to, or just enjoying being a stay at home Mum far more than you thought. You really won't know how you'll feel until you get there. It's not about the practicalities of childcare, it far more complex and subtle than that... It's about hormones, chemicals, emotions... And parts of you you never knew existed.

You may have a child with difficulties, major or minor, which mean it's not possible to go back when you thought, or indeed at all... Or you may just get a baby who never sleeps, for months and months and you can barely string a sentence together let alone provide sound legal advice.

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

Whatever happens you'll figure it out, but to think you can plan this stuff and what you'll do in any given situation is just fooling yourself.

My advice? If you want a child with this man, and he wants one with you then just get on with it, and cross any subsequent bridges as and when you come to them.

But I can pretty much guarantee the reality will be vastly different to what you imagine or what you may plan for.

My new mantra since becoming a mother?

EMBRACE THE CHAOS.

The sooner you do, the happier you'll be...

Maniacal

This probably doesn't help, but it is TRUE.

db
xx

Go for it on both counts. I was exceedingly lucky to have my baby at 43 and I'm a career person too. Having a child brings boundless joy. Don't give it another thought.

Just go for it all - things seem to work out in the end, and its not an either/or scenario

I was in a similar postion although in a plc so accepting a board postion knowing that I wanted to start a family.

We had been ttc for about 3 years at the time and were about to start fertility treatment. I thought long and hard about it, but if ttc for so long has taught me one thing it is that you should not put your life on hold for something that may not happen immediately (for example I remember declining skiing holiday invites etc as I was sure I would be pregnant by then-of course it didn't happen when I planned it would and then I regretted not accepting).

So I accepted the job. And 6 months later I was pregnant with twins, and am on maternity leave now. I don't regret it, far from it, I am absolutely loving my time with the children. It also means that when I return to work I will be able to afford the luxury of a nanny and know that my children are being cared for in the way I want them to be.

Don't tell them your plans. Without wishing to worry you, it could well be 2 years before you actually go on leave, and who knows what else could happen in that time? And what can they really do about it when you come back - you may feel guilty about not putting in as many hours as your male/childless peers but they will have to accept it if they don't want a lawsuit.

Best of luck

Thanks everyone for the great advice. Mrs confuseddotcom, sorry to hear about your difficulties. Ceeveebee, did anyone at your work ever insinuate that you had been a bit cheeky to go for the job when you had ML in your sights? I know they can't actually say that officially, but any vibes? My problem is that part of the reason they want to promote me is that we really need someone else in the team with partner-level authority to take the pressure off my boss, so it would all fall straight back on him if I was on ML/had my mind elsewhere. On a personal level I'd feel bad about that. But I pretty sure I am going to take the advice and just go for the partnership without mentioning other plans.

As an aside, I'm not sure that DP quite appreciates the urgency of the situation, fertility-wise (he is 4 years younger and men aren't quite as plugged into that stuff). I do need to explain it to him, just need to find the right moment...

Zhx3, fantastic clip! And there's the answer-I will not leave till I leave. Thanks Sheryl.

No, I didn't really feel that they thought I was being cheeky. I think they just kind of expected it at some point being a married woman of a certain age! I have been able to organise maternity cover though. Would you be able to arrange some resource (maybe one of the up and coming directors/associates) to pick up some of the slack while you're off?

I love that Sheryl talk. "Don't Leave Before You Leave"... some of the best advice I've been given :).

If you really want a baby...you need to get on with it now. I understand your situation, mine was/is quite similar. Met my DP at 37..after years being single after a serious relationship broke up. Took up 10 months to get pg the first time, and unfortunately we lost the baby at 17 weeks. Took me 4 months before I was emotionally ready to start again - then it took another 10 months before I got pg. Currently 19 weeks pg, and I will be nearly 39 when hopefully our baby is born. Time is not on your side unfortunately!! Who knows, you might fall pregnant straight away and have no problems, but if you really want a family, you honestly don't have the time to hang around. Plenty of us older people have babies, but it really isn't as easy as it would have been at 25.

Your career can always take a break - and can take back off again when you're 50 or so. Good luck! :)

I agree with the others. If you definitely want a baby, don't delay.