Have this baby or not? (Sensitive subject)

[SomebodySaveMe]

I'm at a complete loss so hoping that getting some opinions of people that don't know me or DP may help. Apologies if the content of this upsets anyone.

I found out last week that I'm pregnant. We already have DS 3, DD almost 2 and DSD 5. We are just getting on our feet financially, looking to move, I'm doing my degree and DP is just getting to grips with looking after the children (he had a few issues with me having them to begin with, isn't great with babies and got quite depressed after our 2).

DP says he wants me to have an abortion. I said that I would but now I'm not so sure. I hadn't even considered this until I spoke to him and whilst I knew he wouldn't be over the moon I had hoped that he would come around. His opinion is that the DCs will have to go without things if we have another, he doesnt want to feel like he did with the previous 2 and he doesn't think he could cope. He is worried about looking our DCs in the eyes afterwards though.

I agree with him to a certain extent but I keep thinking that I would have rather had more siblings than big days out when I was younger as it was just me and my brother.
I'm really confused. I don't know if I am getting carried away with the idea of a lovely newborn and ignoring the needs of the other DCs and DP. I don't know how I will look at my DCs after having an abortion (I had one years ago pre-DCs and still wonder what if now) and I could do with some non judgemental opinions if anyone has any.

Thank you for reading. I hope it all makes sense!

I really feel for you. Its not a question anyone can answer but you.

Think to yourself, if you have the baby would you feel better or worse. If you have an abortion would you feel better or worse.

Think about where you want to be in five years time both personally and with family. That may give you your answer.

I wish you all the best.

I'm sorry you're not getting more responses, it must be desperately difficult to make this decision and it is a good thing that most mumsnetters know that no-one should impose their own opinions on you at a time like this, which is possibly why there hasn't been much response.

Could you and DP arrange for a counselling session to explore your feelings together and decide what is best for you as a family?

Either possible decision has the potential to cause damage to your family and your relationship. There isn't a "correct" decision, and whatever you do there will be negative consequences, but there is a good way of making the decision - honestly, after lots of discussion and full understanding of each others feelings, and full respect of each other's position. If you can both get through to the point of making a decision with both you and DP each feeling that the other is treating them with sincere love, respect and understanding then you will be able to get through whatever consequences there are of the decision you make.

I think people will be reluctant to answer as this really is such a personal decision.
My only advice would be imagine yourself in ten years, would you be more likely to regret having the baby or having an abortion?
Seconding the suggestion of maybe seeing a counsellor with you OH, as this decision carries so much pressure and you want to come out ye other side still united.
I hope you find yourself at the decision best for you

Hi, I think abortion is entirely personal decision so no views or opinions on that aspect.

One thing that stands out from the post is whether your kids will miss out due to another sibling. I don't think this is relevant. I think it has to be entirely about how you and your DP feel about the prospect of another. The children will be fine (assuming no major economic catastrophe) as 4 is not majorly more pricey than 3, plus they will only know their reality. The kids will be fine if you are fine I think.

So I think the economic is a red herring, more pertinent is whether you can cope emotionally/physically with the demands of another. I agree with the counselling suggestion above.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

This thread is indeed sensitive. Not sure how you could be contemplating a termination in your position. Have the baby. You did ask!

If he categorically didn't want any more kids then he should have had a vasectomy or abstained.

By the time youve got 3 kids then one more won't make any difference!

If you have any doubts at all and have a termination you will, at best, feel sad about it for the rest of your days.

If you decide not to have the baby then get your contraception sorted out so you are not in this position again.

I am sorry for you, this is a horrible situation to be in.

Bests, and a hug too. x

Such a difficult decision for you, I hope you are ok.

I don't know

But I would point out that his depression could come up either way:

-depressed with young baby
-depressed as unable to look other kids in eye if terminate

It is nice to have lots of siblings (I do) but it is also stressful to create them!

If his main problem is th baby stage, that is temporary. I am not sure of the extra financial strain going from 3 kids to 4 as I only have 2. Perhaps start a thread asking about that specifically.