Mother and sister -arguments??

[Babylon1]

I haven't spoken to/ had any contact with my sister in almost 12 months. There's a lot of history to our relationship, basically culminating in her going too far; and me not able to have a relationship with her because I can't forgive her for some of the shit she's put me through (my db feels the same about her).

A few months ago, my mum was of the same opinion, but has since restarted contact with sister and her DCs.

Last week I called in to see my mum as normal, and she told me that please or offend, she had emailed pictures of my newborn DS to sister - even though I had specifically asked her not to.

This upset me. I've gone to great lengths not to put any pics on FB or anything as I didn't want them to be available to sister - I don't trust her, and as far as I am concerned, she will never meet my DS, so why does she need photos of him?

Mum ended up in tears, we both did. She says she is sick of being torn by her kids. Now I could understand that if we were actually tearing her, but neither me nor db have ever asked her not to have contact with sister - we just wouldn't.

It's her choice and we understand that she has 3 children and loves us all unconditionally.

I asked mum to tell me if sister was planning on visiting her at the same time as me, and I would change my plans so our paths didn't cross - I've never told mum to tell her not to visit because I'm going etc.

Now my mum has decided that if I can't have a relationship with my sister and make the peace, then she doesn't wasn't to see me or my DCs.

We live 1.5 miles from my mum, me and DCs are used to seeing her almost daily, as well ad speaking with her on the phone several times daily! Since she dropped this on me a week ago yesterday, I have neither seen nor heard from her :(

Ok, I haven't been to her house and I haven't called her either, but I'm so hurt by what she said, I feel it should be her that makes the first move.

So my choice is to make up with my sister who I have no trust, respect or affection for at all on order to have a relationship with my mum, OR tell them all to fuck off to dark side of fuck and when they get there, fuck off some more.

So WWYD??

[AnyoneForTennis]

Just let it go, all of it. Life is too short

What has your sister actually done? What gives you the right to prevent your dc from knowing there cousins/extended family?

She has done something very, very bad?

[Babylon1]

I wish I could let it all go, I really do.

I tried to do this before, sister upped the ante and it all got worse, to the point it was affecting my MH

[EldritchCleavage]

What gives you the right to prevent your dc from knowing there cousins/extended family?

Every right, actually.

To put this the other way, you don't have to put up with years of abuse and mistreatment just so your kids can see auntie/cousins, and I bet if your children were old enough to understand they wouldn't ask it of you. Plus, if your sister is that bad she might well start playing unpleasant games with your children as well.

If you cave in now, your sister and to an extent, your mother have got you over a barrell. Put up with sister and whatever she throws at you, or you'll lose your mother as well.

I can see how very hard it must be for your mother, but what she has done is very unfair to you. She can, as you say, just see you both separately. I also sympathise very strongly with you. My DH is in pretty much the same position (minus the explicit ultimatum) with FIL. FIL no longer bothers to call him and has no interest in his grandchildren. Yet if we let SIL back in he would be only too happy to know all about them from her, not us.

[mamababa]

Anyone, of course OP has the right to stop her DC seeing anyone she likes, they are her kids and they are not old enough to choose themselves.
OP shame on your mum for the emotional blackmail I wonder if she has told your sister the same? Doubt it or she could be vey alone
If I were you I would go to your mum's and calmly explain that at the moment you cannot have a relationship with your sister . You understand your mum wants to as she loves your sis as much as she does you and that's fine, but for now (you may not feel like this in the future) you can't. But you love your mum very much as do your DC and you want to see your mum as before.

If she still holds you to ransom then she is choosing your sis over you and your DC which you may need to point out. Then it's up to you but I don't think I could do that because I would feel that she picked her over me. I say you call her bluff

[Babylon1]

Thank you.

I have told mum that I may not feel this way towards sister forever, but right now I do.

I'm gutted mum has put this on me, I don't know what to say/do.

It all feels so wrong and in one way like my whole family is slipping away from me, but to make it stay I have to do the one thing I really don't want to do - make up with sister. She has caused SO much pain and hurt, she hates my DH and won't acknowledge him, and we come as a package. I have a family of five including DCs and I hate that I'm being held to ransom

The whole thing is making me very and also very and it's a toss up over which emotion wins.

[Babylon1]

my hand has been forced and I have had to call my parents house - I managed to lock us out of the house and they have the only spare key

Mum was 'too tired' to drive the key over to us meaning DH has had to break in

I guess that's my decision made for me then

[discrete]

Sound like you are better off losing the lot of them!

[Babylon1]

It feels a bit that way too discrete

I just had a text from mother which just said "I assume ur in, see you soon hopefully"

Does she really hope to see me soon??? Really??

[Babylon1]

I wouldn't have been bothered that she was too tired to drive usually, BUT when I called, I was standing on my drive with DH, and all 3 DCs.

DD1 busting for a wee, DD2 falling asleep on DHs shoulder and DS1 lying in his pram having just filled his nappy and screaming to be fed

Changing bag inside the house too - we'd only popped out to watch dd1 become enrolled at brownies - less than 5 min walk from home

Now we have a wobbly front door, a broken garage door and a broken wc window - dd1 has scraped her legs and back going through the window and I'd petrified she will be in trouble as she was the one that "broke in"! Poor kid

[wheredidiputit]

Well at least yoy hsve an excuseto change the locks so she can't use her 'spare' key.

[Babylon1]

Good point!!!


Every cloud, and all that!!!!!

[discrete]

That is awful. I always feel that it's OK for our parents to act a bit stupidly in their older age and all that, once the needs (emotional or physical) of a 60 year old are being put ahead of those of a child, you have to draw the line.