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Original poster

Childless friend

19 replies

missmouseflaps · 08/06/2012 08:34

I have had an argument with one of my oldest friends as she feels I don't spend enough time with her. I have a 2.5 year old daughter, and am working and studying. I don't have the energy to go out and get drunk with her anymore. She has no children, a very active social life. She resents me seeing other friends. She is argumentative and difficult to talk to when she is angry. During the argument, I felt she made me justify my choices and my time spent not with her. As a result, I stormed out the pub. She tried calling me about 2 minutes later, buri ignored her calls, with fear of more conflict. How can I get her to see that my life is not the same as it was, and it is not a personal attack on her. Or is this friendship over.

OP posts:
DukeHumfrey · 08/06/2012 08:39

Am childless and single. It happens all the time: friends hook up with someone, have children and you barely see them again. I don't suppose you're the first person to have drifted away from her and she's probably very sad about it.

I think she's not behaving kindly, though, in trying to stop you drifting away. She's thinking about herself; but sadly one can't stop this happening. People do remain friends-ish but it's never the same. Have a bit of empathy for where she is coming from - but the reality is that you want different things.

Original poster
missmouseflaps · 08/06/2012 08:46

I know. I'm really sad about it all. I don't know what to say to her to make her feel better. She said.....I can't force u to be my friend. I said.......we are friends. And then she went silent. How do I deal with this. I can't keep apologising for not being able to leave my daughter and go out.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 08/06/2012 08:58

I'm the childless one in many of my friendships and i hate the lack of empathy demonstrated on here by other childfree women Angry

Your life has changed, dramatically, and it's up to her to either adapt or fuck off. It really is that simple imo.

What kind of selfish bitch expects the parent of a toddler to be up for it til 4am? It's ridiculous, it's not that hard to put oneself in a parents shoes enough to grasp enough to empathise, and she needs a metaphorical or not slap.

DukeHumfrey · 08/06/2012 09:02

PurplePidgin - dunno if your comment was aimed at me specifically, but I can only speak as I have found.
I'm not one for going out til 4am - can't think of anything worse - but it doesn't change the fact that people who become attached and have kids have far less time for their old friends and need them far less emotionally than they used to. Meanwhile I have still needed my friends - but they have withdrawn emotionally and for practical reasons they have also withdrawn their time.

I may understand why, but it doesn't change the reality. Yes, I am polite to their other halves (because I never see my friends alone again) and show an interest in their kids but it's never the same again. Ever. And the OP and her friend will just have to lump it, like the rest of us.

PurplePidjin · 08/06/2012 09:10

It wasn't aimed at anyone specifically, Duke, i think we cross posted actually!

DukeHumfrey · 08/06/2012 09:13

Phew!

FamiliesShareGerms · 08/06/2012 09:15

How much time does your friend want you to spend with her, OP? And does getting a coffee or having lunch count, or does it have to be an all nighter in the pub? Because she does have to understand that your life is different (and she's had 2 1/2 years to get used to that), but maybe you can do something regularly with her to keep in touch?

Or maybe she has something horrid going on her life and she is taking the stress out on you? And "you don't have time for me since you had a baby and you're no fun" is such a cliche and easy to fling at someone

DukeHumfrey · 08/06/2012 09:17

OP - since this is WWYD, I'd suggest you:

  • explain you can't do the 4am stuff
  • invite your friend around for a mid-morning coffee (or some sort of socialising which suits you and your daughter) and say you value her friendship but the kind of activities you can do with her have changed.

Am sure you're not the only one to have had kids, so she'll know this. But if you do the second, you'll probably be unique.

NotFrazzledAtAll · 08/06/2012 09:25

Watching this thread with interest. I have 2 DCs (oldest is 3) and my BF is childless and gets annoyed with me for not being able to spend whole weekends with her! She does live a few hours away and I have met up with her fairly regularly but just don't feel that I can leave the DCs with my DH for this length of time. I have a family now (and a small baby so am sleep deprived) but I am still expected to party and get outrageously drunk with her other friends. I just can't handle late nights anymore. I have tried to explain this but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

DukeHumfrey · 08/06/2012 09:31

Can you invite her to stay, NotFrazzled? Spend the time but change the activity?

PurplePidjin · 08/06/2012 09:39

Things i do now with my former drinking buddies:

Take a bottle and some nibbles round after bedtime
Meet in the park with take out coffee
Go to soft play with them (i accept that this is far above and beyond the call of duty!)
Meet for swimming at a time the dc are otherwise occupied
Go for mid-afternoon drinks at a pub with a play area

Swatchdog · 08/06/2012 09:39

Have you been avoiding her or cancelling engagements OP? I ask because I became very frustrated with a friend of mine who would always cite work/baby/studies as a reason to not see me when I was in the area she lived - I would have been content with ten minutes and a glass of water, it didn't have to be a huge thing, but she'd pop stuff on Facebook about seeing her other friends (who were all local and not going out of their way to see her). I did feel dropped by her, and maybe that's how your friend is feeling.

Of course the dynamics of friendship change as life changes, and some don't survive those shifts. Do you want to remain friends? Then suggest some things you can do together, spend time doing stuff that fits in your mummy-schedule and includes your friend. If you're not bothered, and by the sound of it your friend was very rude to you, just chalk it up to one of those friendships that isn't as important as it once was.

danceswithyarn · 08/06/2012 09:53

I am the childless one in one of my closest friendships. Of course your friend understands your life has changed.

The thing i find most difficult is the absolute inability to have a 2 minute phone or other conversation with my friend. There's always an interrupting child (now school aged) and im generally got rid of to be rung back after bedtime, then invariably abandoned. This is a mate I've seen through some rough times over the years and now it does feel like being dropped. My problems or even opinions are often entirely discounted, if i can even get hold of her to let her know about them. I knowknow she's busy and has other priorities right now. We were never the out till 3am crowd anyway, I'd just like to catch up! Other mates with kids don't seem to have the same issues, but she does have a few pfb tendencies.

But its still hurtful.

Ultimately, I miss my friend.

Of course if her dh would ever look after the kids long enough to let her have a brew and a phone call...

Original poster
missmouseflaps · 09/06/2012 08:00

Thank you. This is not about childless friends vs friends with children. I am the first in our group of friends to have a baby. I have made time to see her and our other friends. I have now go r back to work and am studying, and literally have no more time to give at the moment. I have invited her to playgrounds, swimming, kids parties etc, but am usually blown out as she is hungover or busy, and I accept that. None of my other friends have an issue with the amount of time I spend with them. She wants me to beg for her forgiveness, and say how terrible I've been to her, and quite frankly.....it's not going to happen this time. Sometimes, u have to stand ur ground. It's been 2 days since the argument, and I haven't heard a thing.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 09/06/2012 10:37

If she's not prepared to meet at dc friendly places then she needs to accept that, at least half the time, she's not going to see you. She's not really compromising!

Watch her change when it's her turn...

LemonTurd · 09/06/2012 11:21

I'm childless with a group of mum friends. I'm fully onboard with their lifestyle, I meet at their house or a family-friendly cafe or pub. Would be nice if they could have a conversation that doesn't involve the kids, though Wink and Facebook status' that aren't about their wee darlings. That's a whole other thread

Thumbwitch · 09/06/2012 11:30

She sounds very possessive, to be honest - and if that's the case, then she's possibly going to be jealous of the amount of time even your DD is taking up. This isn't healthy, and it's not a healthy friendship for you.

I think you should just explain (probably again) that you have other priorities in your life now and if she can't handle that then perhaps you should see less of each other.

Do you rely on her friendship? Sounds like you don't need to, she needs you more than you need her, iyswim - so leave it.
And FGS don't apologise, you have nothing to apologise for!! Needy narcissistic people are not good to have around you, they sap you of energy and make you feel bad about yourself - if she doesn't cut the ties, perhaps you should.

juneau · 09/06/2012 13:12

My experience has been that it's hard to keep with anyone, post kids. Friends who don't have kids I find I have very little in common with any more, as our lives are just so different, and friends with kids who live far away it's just hard to meet up because of the logistics.

It sounds to me like your friend is being selfish and totally lacking in empathy. TBH I think I'd let the friendship drift, unless you're willing to constantly placate her and tie yourself in knots trying to keep her happy. You've moved on with your life, she hasn't. There isn't much you can do about that.

StepOutOfSpring · 09/06/2012 23:12

So how can you meet in the middle? What could you do for her to help her see you have time for her, and what could she do for you?

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