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Dsis has eating disorder but I'm not supposed to know

6 replies

thistooshallpasswontit · 12/05/2012 20:06

So first of all I hold my hands up and admit I was completely in the wrong and snooped in a notebook belonging to dsis. I know i have invaded her privacy and I have no excuses. I was being nosey and I have betrayed her confidence. We are extremely close (best friends really) but she would be horrified and furious (rightly so) to know that I did it.
Anyway, I have been a bit worried about her recently about a few different things but mostly because she has started looking very gaunt - have spoken to her about my concerns but she has dismissed them and put weight loss down to split from bf. I guess that is part of why I looked in the notebook. Anyway, my discovery today through reading something private of hers is that she is making herself sick and has been for some time. She works in a body conscious industry and she has always been very level headed about food etc. She also wrote that her (very recently) ex bf was the one who got her started in this vicious cycle of binging and vomiting and made her feel fat. I am so gutted for her and extremely worried about her.
I want to help her. Encourage her to get professional help. However, obviously I am not supposed to know.
Wwyd?

OP posts:
HecateTrivia · 12/05/2012 20:13

I'd either confess that I'd read her diary. Beg for forgiveness and explain that I have just been so worried, frantic and desperate that I did an unforgivable thing and I am so sorry. But I know and I can't pretend I don't. And I want to help.

Or I'd lie and say that I used to have an eating disorder/went to school/college with a girl with an eating disorder and I recognise the signs and I want to help.

tbh though, she'll likely get angry no matter how you try to tackle it. And deny it. And perhaps distance herself from you. Until or unless she reaches the point where she's ready to accept there's a problem/accept help - she won't work with you on this. You'll be the enemy.

Perhaps you should seek out some professional advice yourself on how best to deal with it? There are ed organisations out there with people who can best advise you.

ragged · 12/05/2012 20:13

I would contact BEAT & ask for their advice.

SecondhandRose · 13/05/2012 17:43

Really difficult one as she obviously needs professional help and it is a mental and a physical problem that she has. I dont know the answer but is she local and do you have the same GP or could you pop into her GP and ask for a brief chat with the nurse?

Could you suggest a day out or weekend away where she wont possibly be able to avoid you and will either be found out or may confess?

F4ttyBumBum · 17/05/2012 10:03

I wouldn't confess to reading the diary. If I was confronted about having an eating disorder I would be very defensive and angry and it would encourage me to further isolate myself. I think there are other ways to encourage her to get help. Perhaps if you left it a bit and then talked in vague terms about a "friend" with similar issues and their success from discussing it with GP or help boost her self-esteem with reassurances and comparisons that she is not fat. There are plenty of web resources out there that show how damaging bulimia is and perhaps some of these longer term ones will help motivate her to break the cycle. Hope you manage to get her help.

OracleInaCoracle · 17/05/2012 10:08

contact B-eat its a very difficult situation, but she obviously needs help, and they can advise you.

twitchrabbitbouncebounce · 01/06/2012 23:20

I have an eating disorder, so my view may be slightly different, but I have had it for over 10 years now, am in recovery (finally working) and every one close to be in aware. I wanted to let you know those details so that as it has a bais on my opinion.

If this were me I'd be very, very angry & extremly defensive. Eating disorders are a private disease and there is so much secrecy and shame involved, I'd probably have lashed out and said some very horrible things and cut the person off for a bit had I been confronted in this manner back before it were all out in the open.

That said it would also be a massive relief. It is a horrible secret to carry and incredibly isolating. For years I felt as if I have been watching the world but not been part of it. Also, had I had any intervention early on in my eating disorder I'd have possibly begun fighting in therapy quicker or been more receptive to treatment.

I think that the suggestion of trying to make her confess in a food related situation, while written with the best intentions, is very misguided. People with eating disorders are amazing at hiding them, especially if purging behaviors are involved & I think you'd find you were watching her every mouthful, which she'd be hyper-aware off - and I think it'd create a lot of stress and upset on both your parts.

I'd suggest firstly that you look into eating disorders, the facts, the symptoms, the treatments - it sounds like purging type anorexia to me, but also look at EDNOS and Bulimia. www.something-fishy.org/
this way if you do decide to confront your dsis you have reliable information behind you. There are many good books available for the loved ones of eating disorder sufferers and feel free to pm me if you are interested in some titles. (or if you think i'd be able to help in any way at all)

I think i'd go for confrontation, but admit you read the notebook, and explain what concerns led you to doing so. Expect anger, denial, and her possibly not talking to you for some while.

Another option could be leaving her with some eating disorder information, she will have likely read it all already (people with eating disorders are often in denial but also very well versed on the topic, part of the warped thinking - i still refuse to use the word 'anorexic' in reference to myself but could cite you so many articles and medical papers on the subject). This way she will know that you have your suspicions but it leaves the control to her - if she wants to talk she can, if not she can ignore it. But do be prepared for denial. I know this option would create a lot of anxiety for you, and I think in any case i'd own up to reading her notebook...trust is a huge issue for everyone, but more so in people with ed's, so let her trust you by telling her you broke it ifywim. (for the record I do understand why you may have snooped)

Lastly. She will need professional help if she is far into this. and even people with the thinking trait that do not have any full blown eating disorder still benfit hugely from treatment, it is so difficult to fight alone...but she won't get help until she is ready. I think this is the hardest part for loved one's to deal with. My DP & parents have seen me through 5 serious relapses, countless hospitalizations and lots of broken promises to 'be better'. I am now coming out the other end (i hope) and am mainly on MN as am thinking about TTC after a miscarriage caused by my eating disorder.

I wish you luck with this & am thinking of your Dsis too.

(sorry for horrible spelling & grammar, need to be doing other things but couldn't not answer your post)

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