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A bit stuck

20 replies

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 11:35

not quite sure if this is right place to post this but need help from the collective geniuses on MN as to what to do. My dp and I have had our house for sale for a while now and had very little interest. This morning I spoke to my dp about perhaps getting some time off work together and doing a few jobs around the house to maybe help it sell. I expected a little resistance but I did not expect (well kind of did I guess but only down to my negative way of thinking) him to turn around and say that he doesn't think we should move and that we would be giving up a comfortable life style and spouting all kinds of stuff about job security and howy wages cover nothing as I'm only part time.
Now the reason for move was to be closer to my dd's school and to help ensure that dd2 would get a place and have the chance to go to pre school. She's only in reception at the moment but further down the line the traveling time is going to be an issue on regards to eating into vital homework time. School finishes at 3:15 and after waiting for buses we finally get home around 4:30-440. I can't help but feel a little angry that he is telling me this now and allowed dd1 to get her hopes up about moving so she can walk/cycle to school like the other children and have friends over for tea. Normal stuff like that. We r in our thirties and I honestly feel he is just getting out of committing to anything and I cannot live in a way that means we have no hope of ever moving forward and feeling like I have to give him a get out of jail free card. I really need to know of anyone can come up with a solution here cos I'm stumped. Renting he says isn't an option as no security, I'm hopeless at driving so no way I'm gonna be able to do that and without his help I can't get our house decorated enough to sell. We rent from a family member and he had nerve to be pissed at them for choosing a house near a crap school and they shoulda thought about it first. Which has made me soooo angry as without them we woulda been stuck in a small one bed flat :(

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 11:46

Need to add I understand his worry and I don't wanna push him into something that's going to make him resent me but it just seems strange how it comes out now. I have always given him the choice as to whether he wants to live together/ have children etc I have never forced his hand into anything. I'm just looking for practical advice on how to get out of this current situation :) Tia

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HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 01/05/2012 11:59

Could something have changed at his work and he is worried about his job?

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SarkyWench · 01/05/2012 12:02

Can you find some time when you are not in a rush in the morning or tired at the end of the day to sit down and talk this through properly?
Sounds like you need a proper conversation to find out what is going on.

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 12:05

That's what I'm thinking but he not really the kind of person to talk. I'm not the kind of partner who's gone out spent his money asked for stuff etc I live off my money as best I can and at one point I was supporting him when I was full time so he knows I'm more than happy to pay my way. But what scares me is that I knew this would happen deep down. I've always felt I guess that he's gone along with whatever I've decided :(

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 12:36

Would also appreciate opinion if if being negative and over thinking it by wondering if he's just freaked at the prospect of a 25 yr tie of a mortgage and loosing an escape route or whether the financial implications and work worries r to blame :)

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 12:39

Conversations usually just end in him getting fed up and twisting it a round on me or him just hurrying things up to be able to go play his computer games. He's not really one to sit down and talk without me forcing the issue which tends to get his back up from the start :(

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SarkyWench · 01/05/2012 13:03

you need a proper talk.
Can you get a babysitter and go out for a few hours one evening away from distractions computer games ?

This kind of decision is so important that you can't just muddle through.

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 13:18

That would be a good idea sarky if it wasn't for the fact that whenever we do go out we bump into people we/I/he knows and I work in s customer based industry and basically any restaurant/pub etc we could go to theres at least one member of staff I serve :) I will try and talk to him again tonight there has to be a practical solution to the problem I would just appreciate sone honesty I get the feeling there's stuff he isn't telling me and if I ask questions he "can't discuss it " work rules etc ( convenient excuse really as it's all over my head anyway and I couldn't do anything with the information ) just really don't know what to think :( whether to be angry cos he's being non committal or whether to be sympathetic cos he's the main wage earner and that's alot of pressure. But we aren't kids any more and the way I see it is this is what families do, they make sacrifices fir the sake of the children and him working to pay a mortgage is no more than what millions of other parents do and y should he need extra credit? I try so hard not to force him, to always give the option of not being involved in something and I buy clothes in oxfam so not to spend all his money I don't know how else to prove I'm not taking the piss and that it's on both of us as I will help where I can :)

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BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 01/05/2012 13:44

Hmmm. 'Tis an odd situation...

So you currently own your place, you're trying to sell it and move nearer the school? But your DP says he's worried about the increased costs.

What do you think he'd say if you moved, but without extending the mortgage?

I must admit my first thoughts were that it's the commitment rather than the money that he's worried about.

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 13:51

We dont own house it belongs to a family member but we can't move without selling our house. We have been promised ( so very kindly and without asking ) some money from the profits to use as a deposit on a new house. He did suggest that cheaper houses r available else where and we should look on the bus route. But IMO that may solve the space issue but we are still defeating the object of moving as it would not put us in a better position as far as dd2 and her school place and it's alot of hassel to go to in order to cut out one ten min bus journey. We would still have to get the second bus so would save us ten mins basically .

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AgentProvocateur · 01/05/2012 14:01

Sorry, I'm with your husband. It's a huge pressure for him if he's the only earner to take out a 25 yr mortgage in current climate. Surely a better solution would be for you to learn to drive if it's only the travelling time that's an issue.

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 14:07

I'm hopeless :( have tried to learn but I'm worse than that Maureen from driving school :o . It's not just the traveling time though it's school catchment problem . Even with a sibling dd2 may not get in and driving or no driving I can't be in two places at once and if we stay here the catchment school is awful :(

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 14:10

I have every intention of returning to work full time as soon as dd2 in school and helping pay but can't if I'm on buses all day .

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BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 01/05/2012 15:03

But AP, OP says 'Renting he says isn't an option as no security' so presumably he does want to buy? In principle?

Caffeinedrip, what does your DP suggest doing exactly?

Or do you not know either because whenever you ask, he shrugs and goes off to play Call Of Duty?!

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 15:07

He wants to stay or look at areas with cheaper housing. Trouble is all of those areas are no good to the kids as far as schools go. And there's no point in moving to be in a bigger house in an area where still having travel to the school as dd2 will not be as likely to get a place. He says he likes the life we have here and that we would have to cut alot to move which I do appreciate but the mortgage would still be high and as I buy monthly tickets any money saved on the mortgage size would go on travel anyway.

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AgentProvocateur · 01/05/2012 15:50

Sorry, I didn't see that Boulevard. But now I'm even more confused - OP, do you own your house or rent it? Do you rent and own your own house elsewhere, or is it your family member's house you want to sell?

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 15:57

:o ap a family member owns house. Dp and i rent it from family member! As we were hoping to move we all agreed house would be put up for sale. Family members then offered us a portion of the money from the sale in order for dp and I to have a deposit in a house which we were hoping to buy. Family member is not after renting to anyone else and so house needs to sell before dp and u can move out. :)

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 15:58

I ( sorry on phone

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AgentProvocateur · 01/05/2012 17:23

OK, I'm with you now. As a first time buyer, the mortgage company will be cautious about lending to you, and the fact that you were given the deposit rather than you saved up for it may not be in your favour. I'm sure I read at the weekend that for a first time buyer, banks were looking for 20% deposit minimum, which seems like a huge amount to me. On top of your mortgage, you'll also need compulsory buildings insurance and life insurance for your DH and it will all add up. My house is a money pit at the moment!

Is it realistic to move to where you want to? Do you think your DH's objections are from a financial point of view? You asked for solutions, and I have none - sorry. A lot of sympathy for your position though.

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/05/2012 17:38

They make sense from a financial view it's more the sudden change from making appointments with his bank to see of he could get a mortgage and looking at houses online to dragging his feet and giving excuses as to y he won't have time to do any work when he haa four hours a night to play on his computer but can't find five mins to put the edging on the flooring. I kinda get the impression he was humouring me and has come out with all this after I suggested doing some work and changing agents as ours have been rubbish :(

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