Unexpected pregnancy and my partner doesnt want it

[CrispieTina]

Hi, I found out yesterday I am 5 weeks pregnant. It was a complete surprise and we hadnt been trying nor had really ever had a conversation about kids.

Following discussions he has been really clear that he does not want this. It is not the right time, he does not want a child in 7/8 months time and it doesnt feel right. We have been together for a few years now but have only been living together 6 months. We have not had it easy for the last few years living in different parts of the country and its taken time for things to settle since we moved into together, but now we are doing pretty well. He doesnt want to add this stress and doesnt want yet another reason for instability in our relationship.

I dont know how I feel. I think I am more reacting to his response. It is far from ideal but I think we could cope, and I certainly dont know how I feel about doing what he wants in having a termination.

I now feel that if we continue with the pregnancy he will hate me, and if we dont i will hate myself and potentially him too. I said that to him and he agreed.

What now?

Do you want a genuine WWYD or would you like help thinking this through?

Sorry, that sounded really brusque. I mean, if it were me I'd be keeping the baby and possibly ditching the man, but that's really shit advice to give someone else, so it depends what you want really.

from the wording of your title (and the fact you are posting here) my assumption is that you are inclined to keep the baby?

whatever you choose to do, please remember it is YOUR choice and you should not be forced and persuaded into doing anything you feel you don't want to do.

it will be a tough decision either way, and though you have a choice to make as a couple (ie where you are as a couple), the final choice re your pregnancy is yours.

I hope things work out the way you want them to.

I was in a very similar situation exactly 7 years ago but I knew immediately that I wanted to keep the baby (not judging anyone who doesn't) but my bf made it clear he didn't want children after some long hard thinking I knew I was keeping the baby and I knew I had to make the decision knowing that I may well end up as a single parent but I decided I would rather face doing it myself than not keep the baby. The dad eventually accepted my decision and decided he wanted to try and make a go of it, it's definitely been incredibly difficult at times and he's certainly not been as there or as supportive as I would have wanted but I have certainly never doubted that I made the right choice for me and I hope whatever you decide to do its what you want not what anyone else wants.
Ultimately I think deep down you will know what you want to do.

ONLY have a termination if you think it is the right thing to do for YOU. Not for your relationship, not for your partner - for YOU.

Because if you have an enforced termination, chances are your relationship will fail anyway because you will resent and come to hate your partner for putting you through it.

You've got some time - make sure you talk your options through with someone who specialises in offering this advice. If you think you will hate yourself for having a termination it's probable that it's not the right choice for you, but only you can decide.

I hope you can find some support whilst you get through this difficult time.

Hi,

I dont know what im looking for really but i really but thank you all for your comments i really appreciate it. He said he will stick by me either way but I feel it would end our relationship. We are moving house in one week and what has gone from an exciting change is just so sad and emotional. I always thought finding out I was pregnant would be happy and exciting, but clearly that isnt always the way.

Im not sure it would ever be the right time for him. Its not like we are teenagers making a mistake from a one night stand. We are both in our 30's, in a serious relationship and in love....i know its not that simple though.

I am going to try and give us both some time to think but i dont know where to go with the conversation now. I suggested he talk to someone else if it helps but he took that as me wanting someone to try and change his mind and he is clear that he wont. I dont want to ruin his life by turning it upside down for something he doesnt want, but I dont think I could forgive myself with the alternative.

I can feel changes in my body happening (be it just cramping and sore boobs) and that isnt something I can ignore. I must want it really as i bought the folic acid, and ive been reading what I can and cant eat etc. I know so many women do this alone and do it brilliantly, i just feel really sad and scared.

It sometimes is that simple.

A very close friend of mine was in your situation. She had been with her DP for a few years, he didn't want children. She just wanted to please him. She fell pregnant, he tried and tried to get her to consider an abortion. She wouldn't. They were on the edge of splitting up... then the baby came. He adores his son, the couple are now married, a new house and considering number 2. It doesn't have to be a sad time at all.

WWYD? I had the baby. DH (as he is now) didn't come round to the idea until I was 8 months PG. just takes them longer sometimes...

I don't want to state the obvious, but it is you who has to live with your choices - and either way it stays with you forever. That is why it is so important for the decision to be about you.

You are speculating that it might ruin his life, but it could have quite the opposite impact. Having a baby changes everything, including how you see your partner (and I mean that in a good way).

I really wish you all the best of luck - it's a really tough time right now.

I had this dilemma when PG with DD (we already had DS). Our marriage was on the rocks and ex-H made it clear in no uncertain terms he did not want this child. I agonised over what to do. It would be difficult to be a single mum of 2 kids. Then again it would be difficult to be a single mum of one as well.

I got as far as the Marie Stopes clinic, pretty sure I would have to terminate the pregnancy. Had the counselling session.

What Thumbwitch said, really. I knew that if I terminated the pregnancy, our marriage was over anyway, but if I had the baby it might, or it might not. I had the baby and we lasted a few months after her birth but then separated.

That was nearly 7 years ago. Our DD is the light (along with DS of course) of both our lives and the father who told me to "get rid of that thing" could not be more devoted to her (though of course we are divorced now). It has been hard beig a single mum but I look at her and cannot countenance that moment of indecision all those years ago in the Marie Stopes clinic.

From the folic acid etc it sounds as though your gut is telling you you want to keep the baby. Only you know where your heart is, but if you can afford to support a child alone and you understand the pressures of working and being a single mum, but still want the baby, I would say go with your gut. Your DP might come round. Many men do. He might not. But how would you feel if this were your only pregnancy and you terminated it?