Smoking again, and pregnancy.

[MrsAnna]

I have a dilemma.

My cousin and his wife are expecting in August.

Their first baby, a boy, died at 18 days - cot death.

They both smoke and she smoked all the way through her last pregnancy and she is smoking through this one.

My aunt and uncle have admitted that they are worried sick about this but don't feel it's their place to nag or even mention to them about giving up smoking. Because they have been through such a dreadful time, no-one wants to upset them.

I however, think we should talk about this. I think it's quite bonkers to smoke when pregnant and they should be doing absolutely anything to reduce the risk of something going wrong.

Should I but out or should I say something?

I would assume in this day and age they probably know the risks especially as their first baby died. If you really can't not say anything then say it gently as they may think you are blaming them for the death of their son and it won't end well. I personally would leave it alone. It's their risk to take. Very sad about their son though

I would leave it alone. It's not your place to intervene. I'm sure - especially having lost a child - they know the risks.

I don't think you can say anything.

All the information is out there. The midwife will probably discuss it with them too.

It is very sad about their first baby.

I can see why this is a dilemma, I was in two minds whether to post or not as it's such a sensitive subject, but I didn't want to read and run.

I can't even begin to imagine the impact of losing a baby, it makes me feel cold and numb just thinking about it. Talking about their smoking may imply to them that they were responsible, and even though the risks of smoking are known, it does seem really unfair and cold to imply this to grieving parents. As in actual fact there is no way of knowing if the death could have been prevented.

They must be aware of the risks associated with smoking. I wouldn't smoke when pregnant, I hope that the healthcare professionals involved in the pregnancy can help them to see it would be much better to not smoke. I think maybe that's the best you can hope for.

I can completely understand why you'd feel the need to say something, but also at such a highly charged time they might just go on the defensive, and as they must know the dangers you would not be telling them anything new. On the other hand I can see why it would be hard to just sit back and watch this.

God, sorry, I'm being no help at all am I? Just want to sympathise and I would be interested in hearing other people's take on this - I'm not sure what the 'right' answer is.

Thank you AoB. You have hit the nail on the head - no-one dares say anything because it may imply we think they're to blame for the cot death.

I am not going to say anything. I do feel sad about it all though.

Say nothing. Their HC professionals should pick up that they continue to smoke and advise them to stop. If they don't, it's sad, but at the end of the day, their choice.

Thanks Sunshine. It is such a dilemma. I'm thrilled for them that there's a new baby on the way but I can't stop thinking about this bloody smoking.

I was at her puffing away all through the last pregnancy. The baby was born 2 weeks early and was only 6lbs. But they're not stupid people. It's their choice, not mine.

How awful. They must be aware of the risks though and it will be mentioned by the midwife. Is she trying to quit or cut down at all? Maybe you could ask her if she's tried any nicotine replacement without sounding judgemental. It's hard for you to watch but there's really nothing that you can do unfortunately. I hope she has a healthy baby born, I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a baby to SIDS.

Did u say something op?

Further to this oldish thread. I didn't say anything, no.

Cousin's wife is now 31 weeks. This week she has spent 5 days in hospital as she went into labour. They managed to stop it and have been giving her steroid injections for the baby's lungs.

She is still smoking like a chimney, was actually outside puffing away when I went to see her. She has barely eaten all through this pg - she survives on black coffe & fags.

We are all scared that something will go wrong again.

I am just venting really, I wish she would think about nurturing what's inside her. The baby is apparently very small, there's a surprise!

I'm afraid I would have to distance myself from any relative who continued to behave in this way. Of course you can't say anything, but similarly I would be unable to stand by and say nothing so cutting ties would be my only last course of action.

How very sad for everyone involved :(

6lbs at 38 weeks isn't small, its a perfectly normal size for that gestation.

I imagine she is extremely stressed and people deal with stress in different ways. Have you asked her how she is feeling about everything? She is probably terrified of the same thing happening. She may well feel horrible about smoking but feel she doesnt have enough support to give up. I would concentrate on being a good support to her and not mention the smoking. Just ask her how she is doing and feeling and its possible she may open up to you about it anyway. Poor lady.

I just saw up thread I said due in aug. I got that wrong, it's September.

She's quite young but not silly. I'm sure she is terrified of it happening again. But I wish she'd put the baby first.

She's very headstrong and loathes anyone telling her what to do.

I come from one of 'those' families, where nothing gets said as no-one wants confrontation. I am not like this at all, but out of respect for the immediate family, I can't tell her (& him, also smoking) what I think.

So I'm being as nice as I can to them. But I'd quite like to shake them.