My daughter is a thief - advice needed. What did you do?

[1950sHousewife]

Help!

My otherwise lovely 8 year old DD can be sneaky and is a thief and I'm worried that I can't do anything about it.

In the past 6 months she - stole something from Brownies. I got her to go up to the leader and explain what she had done. I thought that would be so shaming she'd never do it again. But...
A few weeks later she stole a flower from a shop. Just a crappy fake one, but still, she knew it was wrong. So I got her to own up to the owner. Again, thinking that having to confess would be punishment enough. I also had a stern talking to her.

Yesterday my DH took the kids to the cinema. In the queue for popcorn he saw her steal and eat sweets from the pick and mix. Foolishly he didn't whisk her out then and there (as it would have spoilt the treat for my DS) but told her we would deal with it together later.
We decided to ground her for the week (no dance, playdates etc). And that the next time she would have to give away a favourite toy to charity to make up for stealing.

The problem is, when I tell her off for these kinds of things I think she is more upset at being caught out. She then says things like 'maybe I should just kill myself' which I find so upsetting. I just don't know how heavy to come down on her as so far, it's obviously not making a difference.

As to the sneakyness - she will do things like on Sat morning she 'found' a Kinder egg (left over from her birthday party) and ate it before breakfast. I found the wrapper hidden. She knows that she should asked first - I probably wouldn't have said no to eating it, just probably with lunch or something.
There are other small examples but this is already long enough.

She has enough toys and treats (she had her birthday party Friday night so was spoilt rotten!) so I don't know why she is doing this.

.

I'll try one more time. Please give me advice!!

I've never experienced this from either chid yet, but I think you've done the right things so far. I know when I was a bit of an unruly teen, it was a good stern talking to from the local
Policeman which stopped me in my tracks.

The sneaky things like the kinder egg i think is just that, sneaky kids stuff. They all do it, all you can do is be consistant in your punshment & hopw she grows out of it.
As for the stealing you've tried all the obvious stuff, taking her back & shaming her etc.
Do you have another relaivie she really respects. In our house the fear of grandad thinking badly of my ds is enough.
Sometimes a word from someone other than you can help.
Do you know the local bobby who can give her a stern talking to?

I wonder if it is a cry for attention? Is she happy at school? Does she feel she gets enough attention at home ( not the same as actually getting attention!). Try putting a bit of focus on her- not about treats though- do you share a hobby? Could you walk/ cook/ together and see if she opens up? And keep treating the stealing firmly but not hysterically.

Have you asked her why she does it?

Asked her how she would feel if someone stole from her?

Is it for attention? Even 'bad' attention is attention. Can you increase the 1:1 time she gets?

What about every time she steals, you remove one item of hers?

Thanks for your help.
SlackLucy - I thought having Brown Owl talking to her would be enough. I was so surprised that it didn't have a lasting effect. Maybe I'll get Grandad to Skype her. The only problem is, I hate to think of her becoming 'the theif' in other people's eyes. I guess I'm just shocked that it's progressed to stealing from shops though.

TalkingNonsense. I see what you mean. We have moved country recently but she's happy at school with lots of friends. And part of the stealing was before we left. We do lots together - there's a lake across the road from our house so we skate together a lot, also ski together loads as well.
She's always been strange with willpower. The kinder egg example is a small one. She doesn't seem to be able to put off pleasure (IYSWIM) like other kids. Even as a toddler she'd mug other toddlers for their squash! My son is the opposite. A real straight shooter.
The other thing I've done is given her pocket money so that she could afford these things herself. But this got cancelled this week...

Hecate - she says there's a voice in her head telling her to take things she wants. She knows full well it's wrong, she said so. We've had big talks about it.

I do spend quite a bit of time with her - reading, skating, skiing, tobogganing etc. I even became a brownie leader to spend time with her! In fairness, I was a bit of a tea leaf when I was younger. My life of crime was short lived when I stole a party popper and fired it into my hand. I couldn't admit to my mum why I had a burn. So I do see where she is coming from. Short of burning her hand (joke) I'd love to have a solution to this.

Glad you agree about taking something of hers away. Next time, she knows her beloved lego kit goes.

I was that kid for a long long time. I had my parents hearts broken. I still feel guilty. I think a little part of me wanted the money or the sweet or whatever I took. The bigger part of me was seeking attention, any attention. Are there any changes in her life?

I also used to steal (money for sweets). I think it was an attention thing- for me it was also that I didn't have any money. I wanted to have money so I could buy sweets/ impress people with my generosity. I am sure that talking to her will work in the long run. I am pretty honest these days ( catholic guilt for any wrongdoing)

My sister marched my nephew to the police station last week for taking something from
A shop ( very low value 99 p but that obviously wasn't the point). He is nine. She said they were amazing and clearly used to talking to kids. Took him into an interview room and went through all the motions . Not sure i would have done it but it gave him the shock of his life and I don't think he'll be taking stuff again!