Arsey SIL, Arsey MIL and preparations for family party - please tell me how you'd handle this

[Devora]

My db (and he is a sweetheart) lives on the other side of the world with his family, and we only get to see them once every three years. This year he has a Big Birthday, and is coming over to celebrate here and catch up with everyone.

My mum offered to take us all to a restaurant, I offered to host a family lunch at my place, db and SIL chose my offer. There will be about 20 close relatives coming, which is frankly all my modest house can handle. It will be a squeeze, and we won't be able to all sit down together, but we'll do a buffet and cope fine.

Now SIL has said she wants to invite friends too. 20 of them. My mum immediately sent a (slightly arsey) email saying there's no room, why don't we keep it to family only, and I'll host a separate evening party for your friends at my place. Nice compromise, I thought. But SIL sent back an EXTREMELY arsey response, saying this is your firstborn son's Big Birthday, he has never had a proper party, this is what he wants and is it Too Much To Ask that just this once he gets that etc etc. Also pointing out that when they lived in London they used to regularly have parties for 50+ in their home, and "I can't believe Devora's house has less entertaining space than ours" (tempting to point out that it certainly doesn't have more, and they were in their 20s, all standing up and drinking alcohol. Very different when you're catering for children and 90 year olds, who want to sit down to eat.)

Of course I want to give my db a lovely party, and most of all I don't want this to start a simmering family feud. BUT I do have very limited space, and I work FT, and my dp is working away all that week, and I have two small dc, and not enough tables, chairs, crockery, cutlery, glasses etc for 40 people. AND NO DISHWASHER!

So what would you do? I'm thinking that the only way to do it is to put a marquee in the garden (we DO have space out there) and get it catered (as cheaply as possible). I can organise this and pay for the marquee, tables, birthday cake etc. Do you think it's reasonable to ask them to pay for the catered food? Because we live in an affluent part of London - this is going to cost hundreds of pounds - and I'm broke.

Most of all I want to find a way forward that allows the family to stay harmonious without me getting eaten up with furious resentment. It's ok, isn't it, to say No to doing all the spending, organising, cooking and cleaning up after 20 people I don't even know, as well as 20 people I do?

Just be firm and explain that you really can't cater for more than 20.

Why don't you cut out arsey SIL, and phone or Skype your brother to make the arrangements direct with him. It's his party, and your house. You're def not BU to say a maximum no of guests you can accommodate, but equally if these are 20 people that he'd love to catch up with, he may want to make other arrangements - like contributing to a marquee or going for the restaurant option. If he's nice, you can have a lovely civilised conversation where everyone ends up happy!

What - you mean - talk straight to THE MAN rather than have all the women of the family niggle and snide and ring round all the other women in the extended family for a good bitch about SIL?

Actually, I did TRY to do that. I rang db at the beginning when I caught wind of the 'friends' and he said, Don't worry, I don't have any friends. I don't think he has, actually (not here, anyway) but SIL does...

But you're quite right, I need to refuse to be drawn into the arsiness and keep it between me and db as far as possible. I know he'll have handed over to his wife because he works FT and doesn't have time to do this stuff. So he SHOULD be able to understand that I work FT, too, and don't have time to stuff vol au vents for 40!

Then SIL needs to go out for a separate evening with HER friends at a restaurant and not have them crash the party at your place. And if it is such a special birthday, then maybe she should be organising something for him too rather than leaving it all to you ...... and a second evening out at a restaurant paid for by her with their (ahem her) friends sounds like just the thing to me!

You sound like a fab sister to me - 20 relatives is quite enough to cater for IMO. Give him the choice - family do with you and restaurant for friends, or restaurant for everyone.

Good luck!