WWYD - DIL is an alcoholic :(

[DaisyAndConfused]

Name changed for this one.

I have a grown up DSS and a 5 year old DD (DH is older than me). DSS is a fantastic young man. His fiancee (they are getting married in July) is lovely - talented, intelligent and caring. They have been together 6 years and are very well suited.

BUT, DDIL has problems with alcohol. At first it wasn't noticable - they were young and went out lots and drank too much. She was perfectly content to not drink for long periods (e.g. she worked abroad for 8 months and didn't drink once).

When she does drink, she can't stop and gets into a complete mess. It caused a lot of arguments, they saw a doctor and she realised she had to stop completely. Now she sees a counsellor but in the last year she's had a few binges, always starting in secret and getting into a complete state before anyone cottons on. The last time was last night when we were out and she was baby sitting :( luckily DD was asleep the whole time before we came home and found her.

WWYD?

Do we advise DSS to postpone the wedding until she is sorted (he has told her he can't stay with her if she drinks)?

How can we help her? I've thought we should just never drink when she's around but DH says we should just carry on as normal (we drink a small/moderate amount)?

Are we idiots for trusting her to babysit (DD adores her)?

Will she always be like this?

I definitely don't think you should allow her to babysit until she has been sober for a long while. Apart from that it's really up to her- ultimately she needs to recognise this is a problem and decide what to do about it. I say this with the experience of an alcoholic DP - I didn't really "get it" at first, I would ask him not to get drunk when he was in sole charge. I thought that would be enough- I had no idea that the craving for more drink is stronger than ANYTHING else.

Yes, you are right re babysitting. It's so difficult because months will go by and she will not have anything to drink.

She knows she has a problem but I don't think she really believes she can overcome it. Last night she was talking like she would never be "clean" (her words) but she knows she has so much to lose by not sorting herself out :(

Really sorry about your DP.

Thank you, it has been a long journey for me ( never mind him), but I have finally realised it is all within his power/ his determination- in other words not mine. I used to think if I talked about it enough, allowed him to talk/ read enough books about it I could help to " cure" him. I know recognise it's nothing really to do with me , it all comes from within. There is a good website called sober recovery with a forum section on it called friends and family. That helped me a lot. My dp isn't "cured" but he is much more aware of the dynamics at play (from his past, and also I am sure there is a genetic angle). AA has helped him enormously, but it had to be his decision to go there in the first place. As for me.... Well at least now I don't kid myself that if he promises not to drink he can keep that promise-it's not that simple. I am sure your dil will come to her conclusions- however it also sounds like you Dss needs to have very strong boundaries about what he will and won't accept. In my experience the frequency of the drinking binges will only increase unless she does something major to stop them .

I will look at the website - thanks.

She has tried AA but (I don't know why) said it wasn't helpful. Maybe because she doesn't fit the stereotype of an alcoholic - she can go for months without drinking and then just drinks until she falls over.

DSS has told her he will leave if it continues, and she believes him. I hope it doesn't come to that because it would f**k up both of their lives!

From what I understand one of the hardest things for people is to define themselves as an alcoholic. Nobody feels they fit into the cliched , stereotypical "need a drink before I can get up" picture of an alcoholic. For what it's worth my DP is a binge drinker too. He would often not drink for weeks, but if he had a drink it seemed impossible to stop, and he would drink until legless. It's not about how often, but how in control you are. He also resisted AA for a long time, he truly felt it wasn't for him- in fact he only went as a last resort. I think that's often the case.

In your shoes I would counsel your DSS to be very firm about those boundaries. It would be so much worse if she carried on, and then they had children. There are a lot of people who do have success in beating this, usually by permanent avoidance of alcohol, so there's no reason for her to feel that she will never be clean- it's in her power. I hope all goes well, she is lucky she has people who care so much for her.

Thanks Squeegle, I can't find it in my heart to judge her - as you've said it's partly a factor of her childhood and genetics as well. I've probably had periods in my life when I drank too much so sometimes I feed 'There but for the grace of God...'

DSS is better at the tough love than I am, but then he's been hurt much more by it than me. They both covered it up from us for a long time and she still won't really talk about it to anyone but him and her counsellor.