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Brother still hasn't visited my baby, and parents might stop seeing him when they find out...

7 replies

BellaCB · 16/02/2012 14:55

My DC1 is 3 weeks old and my brother still hasn't come by to see her, despite the fact that he drives past our town every day on the way home from work!

He has 2 children himself, one of whom is only 4 months old, so I'm not expecting a full on visit from the entire family. But he was supposed to pop in last week on his way home from work and he didn't, he didn't even text (let alone call!) until 9pm when he said he'd been off work ill, hadn't had his phone on, and had forgotten he was visiting. If he was ill, fine, I appreciate him not bringing a stinking cold around to my newborn, but he had obviously completely forgotten about us Hmm

My brother has had a lot of financial problems over the past few years and my parents have helped him out loads - I've even (happily) bought clothes for my 3 year old nephew when my brother was so strapped for money that they couldn't afford to buy him some - but he has always made it quite hard for them to visit their grandkids, acting as if they are an imposition, and has often criticised them for their behaviour around his children. Not that they are bad, at all, its just the usual clash of opinions between different generations on little things about child raising. As the years have gone by my parents have become more and more frustrated with him and his wife, and I have to say I understand because he just takes, takes, takes and then refuses to give anything back (for example, he never calls or texts them with an update about the children, he only ever calls them when he needs something) and he makes them feel as though its such a hardship in his life to have them over for a few hours a fortnight to see their grandkids.

Anyway, he and his wife haven't been remotely interested in my pregnancy and now the baby is here - including a 5 day stay in SCBU after her birth - they haven't even sent a card, and now he has failed to get in touch to rearrange his visit 10 days later. During my pg our mum made odd comments that if he failed to show any interest in my DD then that would be the final straw for her, so I seriously think they might cut contact with him when they find out he's failed to visit me.

The thing is, my nephew dotes on my parents and I don't want to be the reason they stop seeing their other grandchildren. My mum in particular can be rather emotional and stubborn at times like this... But then again, my brother is being an absolute arsehole, if you ask me, so I don't really want to make excuses for him and defend him to my parents. I mean, how hard is it to pop in for 15 minutes on his way home from work to see his first niece?!

Aaargh! I have no idea how to deal with this! Any suggestions?

OP posts:
mothmagnet · 16/02/2012 15:21

Congratulations on your baby Smile Sorry to hear she was in the SCBU, I hope she's ok now.

I'd do nothing about your brother, apart from maybe a strongly worded phone call to him if you feel up to it. Some people are just wrapped up with themselves and don't realise the effect their actions have on others. Hurtful for you, but if you can let him know, maybe he'll realise.
Having your child is a huge thing for you, not so much for some other people, especially if they have other things going on and aren't really very considerate to begin with.

Would your parents really cut off contact with him and their grandson over this? Could 'final straw' have meant they'd offer no more financial support and perhaps have a word with him themselves?

Good luck with your new baby.

fbnomore · 16/02/2012 15:26

congratulations on your new baby. :)

rest assured that you are not the reason your parents will cut contact. Your brother is managing to do that all by himself. He sounds charming

MrsDobalina · 16/02/2012 18:07

Congratulations on your DD! I hope she's ok now, you must be delighted to have her home.

Is it possible to just not discuss your feelings about your DB to your mum? At least that way you don't need to feel in any way responsible for what happens to their relationship.

It sounds like there's probably a lot of history behind this too! But just as an aside, that would have been totally normal behaviour from my DP (plus he's always losing his phone!) when our DC2 was 4 months. We were really, really struggling and if he came home even 5 minutes later then my world would have fallen apart. We were trying so hard to hold it together that I know in hindsight we came across as self centred and selfish because it looked like we couldn't be bothered to do anything. The truth was we barely managed to get through the day and all, even family, obligations often fell by the wayside, often not even intentionally.

On the other hand, he might just be selfish!

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AmyGarumi · 16/02/2012 18:16

MrsDobalina, you've put it better than I could have.
When ds was tiny I lost a few friends as I didn't feel able to do anything else apart from look after him and try to have some kind of relationship with his dad. A very old and good friend texted that my excuses were 'wearing thin', which was quite upsetting.
I guess the difference in the OP's case is that she has her own baby as well so needs understanding too.

BellaCB · 16/02/2012 21:39

amy, missdobalina - you're right, he does have a lot on his plate right now and I know my SIL will be wanting him at home. I think that might be why I don't want it to cause a huge ruck between my family when my parents might be expecting him to act in a different way than he is capable of right now.

On the other hand... I don't know. I guess I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think that he could pop by for a few minutes? Its only me and my brother, so this is his only niece...

OP posts:
MrsDobalina · 17/02/2012 00:04

bella you are not being unreasonable at all, far from it! I'm sorry if it sounded at all like I was making excuses - you have had an awful time of it so far and a little support from DB wouldn't go amiss. Do you think he even realises that he's being hurtful? Do you think a gentle text spelling it out 'hey I really missed you the other day, it would mean a lot to me if you popped round' would work? Or is that too subtle?!

BellaCB · 17/02/2012 09:10

mrsdobalina, that's far more subtle than I was planning - the only idea I had was sending him a text saying something like "did you want to meet your niece at all?"! Maybe I'll try that...

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