Haven't spoken to sister for 8 mo and I'm getting married in 3 mo....very sad and don't know what to do?

[5babyangels]

Hello, It's my birthday today so has brought it all to the fore as she sent a card but no message, just happy birthday! But it's not very happy coz it's hanging over me! She's older than me and been married for about 14 years, they have just one son, although she was desperate for more, endo has played a big part and now whe's nealry 40 so chances are slim. I have 5 children was divorced after 4 and now am living with my DP for the last 3y and we have a new DS together who is just 4mo. I run my own business and although work irratic hours am pretty much full time, except for past few weeks as been quite low! She has always struggled with depression and quite often is on meds, blows hot and cold on people all the time and is quite cutting. She's fab in an arguement and I'm just hopeless at confrontation so I always come away feeling stupid. She is desperate to ahev another baby but her endo is awul, added to which she is extremely over weight and she smokes like a chimney! however these things none of us are allowed to confront her about. She ahs reacted very differently each time I had a baby. But it always dampens the atmosphere as I never quite know how she's going to react. I had my 4th after I had left my EH and then she was amazingly supportive, even rubbing my back at the birth, god mother etc, but this time it's just dreadful. We've not spoken for months. This isn't the first time she's reacted badly, in fact she has every time except the one I was on my own and therefore I suppose she could pitty me and my second when she was also PG. However I'm getting married in 3mo and we have decided to have a very small wedding and a party the next week....don't know hat to do

Do you mean regarding invite?
Yes invite her

I'd invite her, then it's up to her if she comes or not

I agree,. Invite her then the decision is down to her

Surely her sending a card to you is a start? Can you not ring her and thank her for the card (as a way in), and then you can mention that you have decided to get married and let her know the date, saying invitations will be coming out soon?

I suppose you're all right and I shold, just feel like I'm always the one who makes the gesture. My dad's birthday last year the only time I saw her and she completley ignored me refused to speak to me. I was heavily pregnant at the time and she made me feel awful. No card or congrats when i had the baby, at all, like he didn't exist. Not asked about any of the children even DS who she is god mother to when he stared school. It was her birthday last week and i light heartedly wrote in her card Aren't you bored yet? no reply, the tone of the card she sent back was very formal so clearly she wants to carry it on....

im still quite angry with her although overwhelmingly sad about the whole thing. she told me to leave current DP when we'd had a bit of an arguement. he hadnt done anything terrible i was just v homonal. i think she just wants to control me...

Just invite her. She is probably taking out her pain about not having a 2nd child on you because you have 5. I'm not saying she is right to do this, but I do think it must be hard for her to see you having lots when she can't so it is relatively understandable.

Invite her, tho tbh it sounds like problems on both sides OP. it seems that you are fairly judgemental of her and assume that it's because of you fertility that she has issues with you, when it could be Amy number of reasons

well all was fine before i got pg this time so i think it has to be that. I'm not judgemental at all of her. As I too have endo and was trying for this baby for 2 years after a miscarriage....obviously had to cut it all down a bit to try and gage opinion, as I've had my sister all my life. In fact she was going to go for ivf a few years ago remortgaged the house and then spent it all (10k) on reknewing their vows saying that she had come to terms with not having a baby. I'm sure it's hard for her to see me and i would have had no problem if she'd just backed off, it's the complete withdrawl that i find hard....and that every time she doesn't get her way I always have to be the one to try and sort it out.

Knowing as I do in rl 5, :o, I know a bit more about the situation from talking to you - and I think that having had DS5 seems to be a bone of contention for her. She IS BVU - not talking to you over a choice of name is pretty petty in my book, and despite her own problems, she does need to realise that it IS her problem, and that she needs to deal with it and move on. When I had DS4, as you know, I was devastated after having agreed to have the snip, even though it was the most logical thing to do - you know we can't afford or cope with any more children than the four we've got, so it would have been silly to have not done it. But nevertheless I grieved for the loss of the potential baby I would never have, even though I already had had 4. And I think something similar must be going on with Dsis.
I think the others have a point in that if she's sent you a birthday card, no matter how formal, it's a start, and it's saying that she does want to be in your life in some small way.
The wedding on the other hand, is a tricky one. It depends a lot on who else you're inviting, like parents and the DC's, which is another issue entirely!! I think if you do end up having your parents there, then you need to invite her too - think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed - I'm guessing you'd probably want an invite, yes? At least you're then giving her the option to choose, and if she doesn't come, then it's HER choice to not be there, and not yours? I'll ring you later to have a chat about this - it's a bit weird us talking on mn, bt with both of us having so many kids, it's quie effective I think! :o chin up, luvvy, it'll all be over by Easter!

I am an outsider to this kind of situation as I have no siblings... I would have loved to have had a brother or sister and although I know they might have been difficult relationships, it is a something I have missed out on in my life. Your sister made a gesture, however small, by sending you a card. If you do not invite her to your wedding, depending on her reaction, you might never be reconciled. If you invite her and she comes, you might be able to resume some kind of relationship. If you invite her and she refuses, it will be upsetting for you but it will lessen the uncertainty you feel about what you might expect in the future. Maybe you just don't want to be rejected and that's why you are not sure. I would say, with emphasis, invite her and give yourselves a chance - look foward. Bitterness, if that is what your sister feels at seeing you with your brood, is ugly but we can all feel it at what has happened in our lives or what can never be. What matters is how we deal with it. Every happiness!