DS wants to change his name

[DoreensEatingHerSoreen]

My DP died 10 years ago when I was pg with DS. We were not married but DS was registered with DP's surname.

I met DH when DS was 3, we married 5 years ago and now have a DD.

DS has always called DH "Dad" and he knows that his biological father died before he was born.

DS has recently been asking me if he can change his surname so it is the same as the one that DH, DD and I have. I think he feels like the odd one out . He's a mature 10yo and I think that I should allow him to make this decision. I can see exactly where he's coming from.

I know that this will really upset DP's parents who have a great relationship with DS and share his current surname, breaking the news to them will be difficult. Also if I'm being honest, it will make me if we go ahead with this change as DS is all anyone's really got left of DP and I was proud to give DS his name. Is this selfish though? I know that DS's feelings are the most important.

I suggested double-barrel but DS was not keen.

WWYD?

I'd ask him to wait another year or so and think about it then.

Instead of double-barrelling could he keep his current last name as a middle name?

So John Edward Bourne (known as John Bourne)
would become John Edward Bourne Jones (known as John Jones)

That's a nice idea OnlyANinja I think it would really be a comfort to DP's family if the name was kept in some way. I'll talk to him about this later

Thanks Madlizzy, this has come up before and DS seems to be really pushing for it now, he mentions it every time our full names come up (using the passports, family dentist trip etc) so I think it's really bothering him now.

Your partner lives on in his son, the name is only a label. If your son feels that he really wants to have the same name as the rest of you, his wishes should come first. At 10, he's old enough to have thought about it. I take it he wants to go to secondary school with his new name?
If the relationship with his grandparents is a good one, with discussion and love, they should be adult enough to cope with his feelings.
You took your husband's name? Why didn't you keep your maiden name?

How will you feel if he becomes resentful and angry that he has no choice, not even in what he's called? If the reasons that you give him are nothing to do with his own well-being and his function is only to represent a man he never met?
However much you loved your partner, you have been allowed to move on.

Good suggestion from ninja. Perhaps ds could talk to his gps himself before going ahead so he can explain himself and his reasons. They may have a suggestion as to how to do it and it will probably come better from him than you as they may feel you or your dh is behind it? I agree his is quite young but ultimately its his name isn't it and his feeling must be taken into account by everyone involved no matter how they feel about it.

I guess I was being a bit of a traditionalist when I got married and didn't really consider keeping my maiden name (never really like it much anyway tbh - awkward and difficult to spell) but at the time we all had different names (DS, soontobeDH and I) so I never really considered the fact that once we were married and had other childern, DS would be the only one with a different name.

*children

"and his function is only to represent a man he never met?"

Yes *Dustinthewind" I agree that I really don't want DS to feel that way. I know that it's HIS name and that he is not a vessel for DP's name.

The more I think about it the more I like Ninja's idea and I'm hoping DS will too. I think it could sound nice, his current surname is the same as a place name so can sound nice as a "middle" name.

I don't worry that the GP's would think this was coming from me or DH, as we have a good relationship and I think they would know that this would not e a change I would choose. Good idea about letting DS explain his reasons to them though.

My DS has his dad's name as a middle name and mine as a surname - so Boy Middlename Dadsname Myname known as Boy Myname. It does mean that he has some flexibility later to go by my surname, his dad's surname or double barrel it. His paternal grandparents always double barrel it when they send DS cards or presents by post

Bless, I expect your DS feels really awkward at being the odd one out on names when it comes to things like passport control - I imagine you sometimes even get questioned about whether he is your DS when you are leaving the country? I agree with earlier posters that DS should be allowed to change his name, but be encouraged to talk to GPs and to maybe keep his original surname as a middle name. It is a compliment and a credit to your DH that DS feels like that. Well done to him and you for letting DS know that he is as much a part of the family as the baby you had together. It is not for your son to keep alive the name of a man he never knew just for your sake or for want of hurting his GP's feelings. If the GPs truly love him, they will understand the sheer practicality of it. Good luck.

yes I've posted about passport control before - I've had to show DS's birth certificate to prove he is my son seen as we have different names.

Thanks for the kind words - I think this is confirming what I knew was the right thing to do anyway