what do i do??

[NoMoreMarbles]

hi... this is a long'un so apologies in advance.

Ok so a bit of background first...

For as long as i can remember (im 29) my Dad and my Aunt (dads sister) have always fought about EVERYTHING! Always very petty arguments and always escalating to ridiculous levels- sometimes violent levels sometimes childish "im not speaking to you ever again" levels. FWIW i NEVER condone or agree with violence from either parties and try to not get involved where i can. My Nan always takes my Aunt's side regardless of the rights/wrongs of the situations etc which makes my Dad behave even worse- mainly due to the smugness from my Aunt and the years of the same thing happening

so down to the reason i am asking for the wonderful advice and insight from you lovely lot...

My lovely Granddad sadly died on Christmas day and we have since all (myself and DH, my brothers and sister, cousins etc) being doing what we can to support my Nan and our respective parents (my Dad and Aunt have another brother who my Aunt also doesn't speak to for one reason or another). I offered to arrange all the flowers and this was agreed to by my Nan but my Aunt decided to veto all local florists and basically made the whole situation a lot more stressful. Now before anyone says anything, i understand my Aunt has lost her Dad and so no issue was made of the fact that the first florist we tried ended up being the one my Aunt chose and in between there were 8 others we had to try on her insistence each with very similar ranges and pricing etc- its a control thing i have deduced. As i said no issue was made of this and all was sorted out with my Nan being satisfied that what we have arranged will be lovely and exactly what she had in mind.

Now, remembering that feeling s are usually tense between my Dad and Aunt, things have remained civil and they were even comforting each other. I have been expecting there to be arguments and for the most part things were fine (or as well as they can be given the circumstances). That is, until today...

My Granddad was brought home to rest today until the funeral Friday morning-again on the insistence of my Aunt as my Nan has told me that she didn't want to bring him home as it makes her really uncomfortable. That is, however besides the point as the arrangements were made without listening to what my Nan wanted.

So, with emotions quite raw and on the surface for everyone this morning (before my Granddad was brought home) my Nan, Aunt, Dad and Mum were all sat discussing the flowers etc as my Mum had taken the final payment to the florist at 9am. My Mum told my Nan that the florist will deliver the flowers at 10AM on Friday morning, with the funeral being at 11:45. My Nan was happy with this, my Aunt, however, was not. She wants them to be delivered late evening on Thursday night- the florist would deliver them at 5pm at the latest and stated they will need to be kept in a cool place overnight but it is too short notice for a Thursday delivery. Another reason is my Nan's house is kept very hot all the time and the room where my Granddad is resting is the front room in the through-lounge with the back room being where my Nan has her sitting room. My Nan, Aunt and cousins (Aunts children) all smoke very heavily and are continuing to do this whilst my Granddad is resting in the adjoining room. Despite this being (IMO) both horrible and disrespectful, this is another good reason to keep the flowers from being delivered until friday.

The discussion about the delivery times became a very heated argument between my Dad and Aunt very quickly and all hell then broke loose. All sorts of crap that has happened throughout the past 40 years or so was being dredged up to use as ammunition by both my Dad and Aunt and it ended by my Dad and Aunt trying to physically attack each other, with my 80 year old Nan having to jump in between them to break the fight up- my Mum had gone home by this point as she had an appointment to go to.

They are now, again not speaking and my Dad has said he is refusing to go to the wake for fear of it all kicking off again. That's fair enough it's his choice but he and my Mum are now saying that DH and I will have to choose between going to the wake to support my Nan and have a drink to my Granddad or go to the local pub with him, my Mum and my sister and brothers. He has made this decision and if i don't go along with what he wants it is likely he will turn his back on us and likewise, my Nan will turn her back on us if we don't go the wake.

I just think the situation is so petty and everyone should put their own arguments aside for the day and be there for my Nan, who is in the most pain and will feel the emotions of the day on a grander scale. That said, both my Dad and Aunt are stubborn, pig-headed and childish and on this occasion, both in the wrong IMO, and will NEVER put their own feelings aside for the sake of any other.

I want to go the wake, but i love my parents and have been trying to support them through this horrid time. So what the hell do i do? Choose my Dad and lose what will possibly be the last months with my Nan? (whom i love and my DD adores too) Or choose my Nan (and subsequently in my Dads eyes, take my Aunts side) and lose my Dad and my Mum in the process too?

any insight? thanks for reading that MAMMOTH post and TIA for any comments...

Could you talk to your aunt & ask her to make up?

What an awful family you have, your poor nan

Your parents should be ashamed of themselves making you take sides

Don't spread the animosity to your generation too

Option three, go to a different pub to toast your grandad and make it clear that they all need to grow up? Your poor Nan

It's tough, but I would go to the funeral, support your nan there, then be with your dad. Your nan will be well looked after on the day, your dad will need you.

Crikey, well my immediate reaction is to say do what you want. But I know family politics are difficult.

Where does your mum stand on this? Could you and your mum talk your dad into going to the official wake, there will be lots of people there and he can just stay out of her way.

Maybe try reasoning along the lines of "think of what GDad would have wanted", "we all need to be there for Nan". Or if it would be more effective "If we stay away then we are just giving aunt what she wants".

Will they have a chance to see each other before the funeral?, maybe they will both have a change of heart, emotions are running high - I know when my dad died I swung up and down like a yoyo.

im sorry to hear about your grandad

id be selfish tbh.id do what i wanted to say goodbye to my grandad,theyre all being silly.you need to say goodbye in your way else this sad time will always be tinged with blame towards one side.

Thanks for the responses.

oreo my Mum is firmly with my Dad and is refusing to discuss even thinking about the wake she is equally as stubborn. i have tried a few ways to talk about it with my Dad but up to now he is not listening to reason.
gumby i agree it doesn't make for nice reading. The family on the whole do tend to plod along and people separately are lovely, its when they get together that there tends to be friction.
pidjin that sounds like a good suggestion
dionne your comment is almost exactly what my sister said- she is, however another who doesn't get along with my Aunt

whoops x-posted with cheesesarnie

thanks. i have been leaning towards doing what i want to do but i really dont want to have any animosity from anyone as the day will be hard enough without fighting and arguing.

talk to your nan.sounds like you two are the only grown ups!

Its awful when families don't get along - you can't do right for doing wrong.

Could you go to the wake to see your Nan for 20 mins/half an hour, and then go and join your parents in the other pub?

oreo just suggested what I was going to.

Absolute nightmare, I am so sorry

thanks again for the responses

oreo i said to my Mum that we would go the wake for a drink and then meet them but it appears that's not an option (going from what my mum said anyway) so it really is a choice between my Dad and my Nan... my MIL said she thinks its unfair for us to be asked to choose too but had no advice unfortunately.

OP I really understand how torn and conflicted you feel at the moment (having been in a similar position myself). Your dad and your aunt's relationship is what it is and predates your being alive for many years. The only third party with any influence here is your Nan and she has been unable to do anything about it over the years. Not even the death of their father has been sufficient to bring about reconciliation (although there is still time). This situation is not about whether or not you like your aunt, it is about supporting your dad in his time of grief and he should be grieving at this time, not worrying whether it will all kick off and disrespect his father's memory. He needs you. And he needs to be away from his sister so that he can grieve.

If the situation remains the same and your dad and aunt don't reconcile, then I think you should speak to your Nan before the funeral and tell her how much you want to be there for her, and how distressed you are by the situation with your dad and aunt, but you have to support your dad on the day, and that your aunt and other family will be with your Nan so you know she is in safe hands.

Maybe spend some time alone with your nan before and after to re enforce that she has your full support and sympathy.

When some time has passed and everyone is more settled, I would tell your dad just what a difficult position he put you in - if you feel that would be reasonably recieved by him.

You are being far to nice and reasonable.

Your aunt should just feck orf.

Your nan should turn her back on you for not going to the wake (what kind of nan would do that?!) but I would go to the wake for at least a bit.

Your Dad should put everything aside for just a few hours and go to the wake.

Can I just ask if you happen to come from an Irish family? Having married into an Irish family, this all sounds very familiar behavior.

dionne Thanks. I agree it is important to support my Dad through this and i have been doing just that but it is still important to be there for my Nan and i want to be afforded the opportunity to grieve the loss of a great and influential man in my life too. Therein lies the issue...
oreo I think i may have to do just that...

The whole situation makes me feel so sad

lynette Thanks your post made me smile The family are predominantly welsh with the Irish side being my Mums family.

Oh dear, OP!! What a bunch of juveniles, your Aunt actually being the worst of them with her petty insistence on control.

What would I do? I'd go to the funeral, go back with your Nan to the wake and then leave shortly afterwards to join your Dad and the rest of the family in the pub. I'd also ask your own siblings why they don't consider doing the same thing - surely your Dad wouldn't cut the lot of you out if you all went to the wake first? I can understand your Dad's reasoning for not going - but the partisan shit is just childish beyond belief and so hurtful to your Nan. She's not going to be around for long, possibly (you said she's 80), and I would say she needs the support more than your Dad (although you know them best to say whether or not that's true).

I would also be very tempted to give the Aunt a bit of an earful - she has no business doing this at such a time! Beyond selfish.

I might also mention to Nan that it would be a good idea to keep the room that Grandad is going to be in a touch cooler than the rest of the house.

You will grieve his loss, just maybe not with lots of other people and your Nan will need you most in the weeks and months ahead. Do not allow your dad and aunts feud to infect your relationship with your parents and sister.

Anyway, sorry you are going through this.

Yes, other people are grieving, but so are you.