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Original poster

My 22 yo DD with special needs. Found out stuff this Christmas (sorry long)

12 replies

mumo3g · 29/12/2011 21:50

Before I share what I found out some background is needed.

My daughter is living in a supported accomodation flat. She went to a confrence in November. She met a man there and he asked her out. Now she doesn't understand the "rules" about dating and said yes.

When she told me about I asked her about him and she only met him at this confrence and he is 30. Now I said that she can't go out with him cos 1. the age difference (her mental age is about 12ish at best) and also cos2. the distance. Her London him Sussex. and also she didn't know him enough to go out with him yet.

Well she agreed and I thought that was that. Until she made a note of it on Facebook. So I asked her about it. Was the same guy. So even though we had discussed it she carried on with it anyway.

This week I thought about it again. "at least she's 'safe'" I thought. He tried to ring her but she didn't hear her phone as she was doing family things being Christmas and all. But last night she shared a room with one of my other daughters and they chatted. It came out that he had been talking to her on the phone and getting her to talk dirty. She didn't want to but he instisted that she did.

Now my other daughter told me about it. So I told the other one that it was ok and don't answer the phone when he next calls. He called and she didn't answer but got upset. Partly cos she wanted to chat to him and partly because she didn't want to talk the way he wanted her to. So because he kept phoning my husband phoned him back and said "We know what you have been asking of daughter, please don't phone again or we will call the police." He texted her saying "what have I done."

On our return home we told one of her carers what has been going on. Now we knew that they had been told about it but were surprised that it was still going on. They are supossed to be there to support her right?

OP posts:

QOD · 29/12/2011 21:55

Is he special needs too?

it's very difficult, my niece of 20 has a boyfriend, when her mum suggested to her boyfriends mum that they had a sleepover, the other mum was horrified and has avoided contact since. SIL, rightly or wrongly, is determined that her dd lead as normal a left as possible, her intent wasn't for them to have sex, but to stay up late, giggle, watch films and cuddle etc. But who knows, it's extra tricky when they are emotionally and mentally disabled.

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2011 21:55

I doubt v much if they can police every call/text/Facebook session though? Only so much they can do...... And that's if your dd even tells them

QOD · 29/12/2011 21:56

Saying that, I've re read your OP and if she isn't happy then it's not right. think it's important you find out what you can ab out him. is he targetting a vulnerable girl or is he infact just inappropriate ?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2011 22:04

I'm sorry your DD is going through this. In what capacity was the guy at the conference?

As for the sheltered accommodation, it is my understanding that they are there to enable the residents to live independantly, not to 'police' them. Obviously they do what they can, but you can't expect them to police all computer time & phone calls surely - or that would be supervised care you would be having, not assisted living, and even then it's virtually impossible.

Did your DH explain your DD's vulnerabilities to this guy?

Original poster

mumo3g · 29/12/2011 22:07

he is special needs himself but I'm not sure what they are. She said he's ADHD so that in itself doesn't excuse his behavour. We will be having a meeting with the manager of the house and talk about this and other things. Don't know if this guy has a carer too?? If so he might not be genuinely aware that it is wrong.

Another solution would be to change her sim but she's not that good at storing numbers on her phone so she writes down all the numbers to only get them typed in the mobile wrong. (poor writing) She shouldn't have to change it anyway.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 29/12/2011 22:07

this is difficult. Your dd is living an essentially independent life, and albeit she has carers who look after her, she is legally an adult and has the right to have a relationship if she so chooses (although your reactions are of course perfectly understandable).

I think the key here really is the man she is talking to. If he is 30 and nt, then clearly he is taking advantage of a girl who is vulnerable and needs to be called on it. But if he too has sn, (and given they met at this conference this would seem to be more likely) then he too is vulnerable and hasn't really done anything wrong, may just not have the right social skills to do things right, iyswim. And if he has ld's then I don't think your dh threatening him is on either, sorry. He may genuinely like your dd, they may want a relationship, and while your need to protect her is entirely understandable she is an adult (albeit she has the mental age of a child) and if she is able to live a semi independent life then she does have the right to choose to have a relationship, even if her understanding limits that. What she needs is for those around her to help her get it right, not to tell her what she can and can't do.

wannaBe · 29/12/2011 22:10

and he "is special needs"? shouldn't that be "has"?

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 29/12/2011 22:12

Yes, and people aren't ADHD, they have ADHD

Original poster

mumo3g · 29/12/2011 22:14

sorry there.

OP posts:

ReduceRecycleRegift · 29/12/2011 22:16

I used to do a bit of home care and we were told on training to support relationships that people with special needs choose to have have (even if it's with a non SN, older person) so long as they understand what sex is and want to do it.

It felt wrong at first, until I got more experience, and now it feels wrong that people prevent adults with SN having close physical human contact.

It's a dicey subject. If she doesn't want to talk dirty and he is really "forcing" her to then that is wrong, but if he's just askng her to because her fancies her, and she is doing it because she fancies him and wants him to fancy her, then the problem is not what he is doing its with her not having the tools to say "I don't want to do that but I'ld like to talk about the things I like about you.." and that is something that could be worked on IYSWIM. He might not really know that she really doesn't like doing it if she is complying fairly quickly because she likes him? He might not want to upset her at all if its really explained to him that she likes him, but doesn't like doing that! - that should have been the first response, not police threats!

QOD · 29/12/2011 22:34

Sorry if I used wrong terms DN has had special needs for 18 yrs and SIL used to refer to her as "ill" and now says "disabled".

Original poster

mumo3g · 29/12/2011 23:11

The way she reacted when he phoned her and she didn't answer was in fear. I think in a way she is wanting to have a boyfriend because her younger sister has one. She doesn't understand about knowing about a guy first before saying yes. She didn't know anything about him. She still doesn't apart from that he likes to talk that certain way.

I'm not trying to stop her being in a relationship as I know she wants to be in one but I'm trying to teach her the way to go about it. As I can't be holding her hand everywhere she goes (and wouldn't want to) I expect the carers to speak to her about unappropiate behaviour etc.

OP posts:

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