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Original poster

Brother won't invite step dad to his wedding

12 replies

TracyK · 05/12/2011 11:48

Not technically step dad - but mums partner for 10years plus.
We don't have any major issues with him - just not overly keen on him - but kind of goes with the territory.
But db said yesterday that he had no intention of inviting him to his wedding.
I'm sure this will cause a major family row.
Should I try and get db to change his mind - or leave well alone?

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 05/12/2011 12:00

Ooh it's always a can of worms this isn't it?

Is your dad going to the wedding? ( my apologies if your father has died). Is that influencing your brother?

Or is it just a plain case of your brother doesn't rate your step-father so not going to invite him?
If so, he does really haveto consider your mother. How happy is she going to feel about being on her 'own' at the wedding? She might decide not go at all but either way it's very likely to leave her upset and cause tension in future years.

I think if it was me I would ask my brother why he wasn't inviting him ( not accusingly) and just kindly make him aware this could create tension and rows in future years with your mum who could be very hurt by this.

He doesn't need to sit at the top table, he could be stuck at the back with Great Aunt Maud and Uncle Gerry. But if there is no real reason to not invite him then it could cause unnecessary heartache.

Pancakeflipper · 05/12/2011 12:02

p.s. forgot to say I wouldn't say my brother had to invite him - just make sure he's aware that it will be noticed and could cause alot of upset. The reason should be worth the upset.

Original poster
TracyK · 05/12/2011 12:07

Dad died about 9 years ago - they had divorced a couple of years before.
He just doesn't rate him - neither do I, but would never be so rude as not invite him to things.
I just know my mum will be really hurt and might not go to the wedding!
I'm not sure how many are being invited to the wedding - I'm hoping it is a teeny one that could excuse partners not being invited - but I think that is grasping at straws! I assume it will be my mum and me (and dh), and his fiancee's family and their friends. Friends being the largest part of the group (since he is in his 40's and not a conventional 'family' wedding) iykwim.

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Original poster
TracyK · 05/12/2011 12:08

db can be very stubborn adn has a 'why the bloody hell should I' attitude.
It would be easier if sd HAD done something wrong - then db could say 'its because of blah blah'

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Bossybritches22 · 05/12/2011 12:09

He is you Mums partner & after 10 years is a big part of her life.

It would be tremendously hurtful to her surely your bro' can see that?

Difficult one for you, I'd be inclined to say my piece to him but then withdraw & leave him to his own mess!!

Original poster
TracyK · 05/12/2011 12:18

I'll leave it till after Xmas and then try and persuade him.
If it comes to it - I'll need to take my mums side and not go either!

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Pancakeflipper · 05/12/2011 12:19

Digging your heels in for no real reason seems a little cruel to me because it will cause your mum alot of heartache. Your DB needs to think about her. If he thinks about her and still thinks "he's not coming to my wedding." Well he has take the repercussions on the chin.

All you can do is be extra kind to your mum.

glasscompletelybroken · 05/12/2011 12:28

This is such a big issue - this man has been with your mum for 10 years and is a big and important part of her life. Presumably he makes her happy so you and your brother could rate him a bit on the strength of that surely?

I think she will be deeply hurt if he is not invited and rightly so. Your brother may be stubborn and feel he doesn't rate this man and therefore doesn't have to invite him but surely he rates his mother? She will be the most hurt by this and if she doesn't come to the wedding as a result then that is something that will be there forever.

She will not be there in the photos or in the memories and it will be a big issue in the future - it can't be undone.

Original poster
TracyK · 05/12/2011 12:58

hmm - not so sure he makes mum happy - but thats a whole other topic!
I just hope he hasn't done anything rash like told her already before I can beat him around the head!!!
Brothers grrrrrrr!

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stopcomplainingthen · 05/12/2011 13:17

If I were you I would point out the hurt, friction and upset he will cause for your mother. Going to your child's wedding should be a lovely happy occasion - yet for her this will now be tense and difficult, and that's if she indeed chooses to go.

If you were to invite a friend but weren't particularly keen on their partner, for no particular reason, then surely you wouldn't dream of just extending the invite to friend minus husband for that reason. It's pretty rude actually.

marthastew · 05/12/2011 13:27

As a step mum, I know that DH would be very hurt if I wasn't invited to his daughter's wedding. It would be a major issue and may unintentionally drive a wedge between your bro and your mum.

I think you should talk to your bro and explain that it would be a major and very aggressive stance to take against your step dad. Fair enough, he's not your favourite person but I feel that weddings should be formal and inclusive iyswim. They shouldn't used as be a way of airing minor grievances (although I totally support those who need to exclude toxic relatives when necessary).

Original poster
TracyK · 05/12/2011 13:42

Thanks girls - you've helped me see that he is defo in the wrong. Will be v forceful when I see him next!
I'm hoping he wasn't 100% serious - this convo was all via texting - maybe he was just feeling bolshie and not really meaning it.........

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