Is a 20 year best friendship over...? WWYD?

[EggsOvaryZee]

Best friend of over 20 years. Never really had any ?issues?. Our life situations are a bit different, but these have never affected us. We see each other or speak about once a week. I?m getting married soon (tiny ceremony - no fuss, been with partner for decades) and recently she has kind of been a bit weird around me. I?m hardly discussing the ?wedding? since it all feels a bit weird to me, so it?s not like I?m getting all ?Bride-y? on her ass.

I am not able to broach the topic since she gets extremely defensive. We met for dinner and it was so clear that the entire evening was ?strained?- it wasn?t ?us? at all. Everything I spoke about was an opportunity for her to have a subtle dig - DVDs I watch, work, kids - you name it. Please note, she is never normally like this. I can tell her anything, she never judges, she is my lifelong friend and there?s no topic we haven?t covered or things we haven?t been through.

Although I have broached it in a roundabout way in person ?Everything OK with you? Lately you?ve seemed really unhappy/stressed/etc?? - she has denied everything. It?s really playing on my mind, so I texted?and she brushed it off again. I have since spoken to her briefly on the phone twice and it?s still odd. I'm dreading seeing her in person.

Possibly, me getting married has made her examine her own situation etc?but what I?d like to know is ? what can I do now? If that is the problem, it?s like she hasn?t even acknowledged it herself, although she?s so self aware, I?d imagine she must have done.

She helped me pick out a dress and wants to buy me flowers as a present ? so it?s not like she?s not acknowledging it. She is supposed to be getting me ready on the day itself ? but I can barely look her in the eye without feeling very anxious and
WWYD?

Mmm I wonder if she was expecting to be a bridesmaid and is feeling snubbed? Maybe she hasn't realised just how tiny your wedding is and was expecting a more "official" role and feeling hurt to be (in her eyes) excluded, especially if you have been trying not to talk about the wedding much?

Not sure of the best way to bring it up with her if that was it though...

I think you are probably right, in that it's making her examine her own situation.

You have tried to talk about it, she doesn't want to. Hopefully when things settle down she'll get out of this mood or maybe even talk, but for now I'd continue as normal and put it down to a bump in the road. be generous, be open but give her space to get through this herself.

I think you should take a break from her after the wedding. Give her some space to sort her head out and let her contact you.

It's difficult when people aren't willing to be straightforward while being passive-aggressive isn't it?!

If she hasn't come round a while after the wedding then be direct. Tell her that if she's not willing to tell you why she's acting so differently then you're past playing games and will move on.

I have a friend I had to let go because it was more trouble than it was worth, but I still love her to bits. I just had to draw the line, difficult as it was.

Congratulations on your wedding!

Could there be something going on in her life that she might not want to worry you with?

Similar situation. I had a best friend, I'd known her for 9 years and we were very close, until I started to arrange my wedding. She got really weird and off with me, and kept making horrible comments that if you say anything about, you look crazy (I hope you know the ones I mean, women are excellent at them!) Eventually, I had to stop having her in my life, because she was unbearable. In my case though, it was simply because she didn't like my husband. For no reason other than that he suffers from Bi Polar.

Anyway, is it possible that your friend doesn't like your partner?

I have had this happen to me twice, once she had cancerous cells in her cervix and the other time my friends marriage was under strain (he was cheating on her).

So even though we were really close she still didn't want to 'burden' me with her problems at a time when it looked like it was all going swimmingly for me.

You don't mention if she is married/in a relationship herself. Could she be "jealous" of your happiness?

Thanks for added posts on this. Well, the 'wedding' (such as it is) is tomorrow - ARGH! - so, we will see. Have seen her twice this week since we both had small kids parties to attend. It's still not 'right' but it is 'better' than it has been. I guess tomorrow will tell.
Something has shifted though, which is a real shame.
Her realationship 'history' has been more complicated than mine. Now though, she is in a good relationship of 2 years. Although I know she is both desperate for another child and would quite like to marry this man, though seeing as he is Muslim, I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.

I don't think it is as clear cut as her being 'jealous' but definately it may have brought up ideas of where she's at right now in her life, where she's going and where she wants to be....IYKWIM.

I just hope after all the Christmas fuss/wedding has died down, things might naturally 'go back' to how they've been, but I'm not really sure they will. It's a very odd, very subtle weirdness that's occuring. I already feel a slight mourning.

Congratulations on your wedding - I hope you had a lovely time. How was your friend on the day?

Eggs - how did the 'Big Day' go? Have you seen her since?

I don't think you should 'just let her go' I think you should keep seeing her/calling her as you did before, in a couple of weeks time if she is still the same, tell her that you are worried about her and that you are worried you might have upset her in some way & please talk to you about whatever it is that's going on because this is worse than anything she could say/do.