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Original poster

Wondering how best to help (child in abusive relationship) ...

54 replies

misty0 · 16/11/2011 20:59

Not really AIBU, i know but would appreciate your thoughts.

My youngest DDs best friend (both girls 13) is having massive problems at home and is confiding in my DD who, in turn is telling me about it all and seeking reasurance she is supporting her friend properly. They are best mates at school and see each other at weekends too.

The friend, who i shall call X, lives with her mum, dad and younger brother. Mother is a professional woman involved in social services. Father is a builder. The father has a serious drinking problem and has been violent towards X including chasing the girl with intent to hit her, actually hitting her, pushing her over and mentaly and verbally abusing her. He dotes on his son, however and directs this abuse only at the daughter. The couple row bitterly in front of the children.

The mother chucked the father out about a couple of months ago because of his behaviour. X told my DD she felt happier and safer with him out of the house. He was apparently going to get help with his drinking and anger issues before being allowed back.

About 3 weeks ago DD told me the father was back in the family home. At the same time my DD and X has a falling out caused by X's extreme moodiness. Last week X appologised to DD for behaviour and invited her for a sleepover. During the sleepover X cried all over DD and said she is frightened of her father as he had now begun coming into her room drunk in the night, waking her and sitting on her bed and talking bloody nonsense to her at night. Stroking her hair and telling her how lovely she is. If she shows any sign of not appreciating this attention he gets angry and violent.

The mother and father are rowing again, but it seems to me that X hasnt told her mother about the fathers night visits as she is afraid of making things worse.

I want to help as i am so worried about the little girl. This must be hell for her. I suggested to DD that she tell X to go to the social carers at their school about whats happening at home. The school has a good support network. Not sure if this filtered through though. As far as i know no professional help is being offered to the family. Definately not to X anyway. I am considering saying something to the school myself. Wondering if they could set up a meeting between themselves and X and her mum to help support them.

I have only met the mother once. Only seen the father at a distance.
I have only actualy chatted with X a few times, dropping DD off, picking her up etc, and she cannot stay at ours anymore as she is allergic to cats and we have 2, so i cannot cultivate a relationship with her myself much to try to help :(

What would you do?

OP posts:
tethersend · 16/11/2011 21:47

It sounds as if the girl has told someone (your DD) because she wants someone to know and to help her.

She may be very angry with your DD when it comes out, but this is not a reason not to take action. I think she is asking for help, but is a young and confused girl, so it would be unreasonable to expect her to be grateful for intervention.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
misty0 · 16/11/2011 21:51

Definately going to ring either NSPCC or police tomorrow.

Really unsure about how DD will feel about that. Even less sure about how X will like it. Its too imortant to let go though.

Even if i dont tell DD or X what i'm doing X will work out where the info has come from. Probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
misty0 · 16/11/2011 21:54

Sorry, struggling to keep up with posts,

yes gruffalow and tether, just thinking along those lines myself.

OP posts:
tethersend · 16/11/2011 21:55

Probably.

But I really do think that X is telling your DD because she wants help, and DD is telling you because she doesn't know how to deal with it and recognises that the situation requires adult help.

If you do not act, you will be letting them both down; even if they will both be angry in the short term.

shootfromthehipimafraidladies · 16/11/2011 21:55

I think let the mother know of your intentions to call for help. Let her know in no uncertain terms that if this downright dangerous man isn't gotten rid of immediately that u will call the police yourself.

mamamoonmim · 16/11/2011 21:56

The mother is a professional working in social services?

Absolutely typical, social services take child off of the mother for allowing abusive men back into the home (and yes abusive is easily defined as hitting a child even once and of course the extensive shouting and arguing).
I'm know of women to lose their children and for their (very young) children to be adopted out, because the mother let an abusive man back into the home.

Absolutely typical that it's okay for a social worker to do it though.

mamamoonmim · 16/11/2011 21:57

please excuse typing errors, wrote that in a fast rage, lol

tethersend · 16/11/2011 21:57

No, I would not tell the mother first- this could potentially lead to the daughter being abused further and the abuse potentially being covered up. Very risky.

Original poster
misty0 · 16/11/2011 21:58

I do so hope X isnt angry with DD :(

I know it cant be helped. Im thinking if i dont tell the girls what i'm doing:

a) X wont have time to worry about whats going to happen

b) maybe she wont automaticly assume its come through DD?

Grasping at straws here.

OP posts:
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 16/11/2011 21:58

Well logging off now to go to bed, but good luck tomorrow and let us know how you get on.

You're doing the right thing.

tethersend · 16/11/2011 21:59

mamamoonmin, nobody knows about the abuse yet. It is inaccurate to say that it's ok for a SW to allow an abusive man into the house, as no action has yet been taken Confused

GruffalowsMammy · 16/11/2011 22:00

Not sure about telling your DD, my sister was 16 and at 13 it might be to hard for her to not tell X that action is being taken. You should be very proud of your DD, her friend will have only confided in her as she sees her as someone who can be trusted and relied upon.

Original poster
misty0 · 16/11/2011 22:00

Yes, i was naively (SP?) hoping that being involved in SS herself the mum would know what was going on and act on it.

The couple are rowing, but i dont think she knows about this night time stuff.

OP posts:
Bellavita · 16/11/2011 22:00

I would contact the Child Protection Officer at the school.

It just maybe the one piece of the jigsaw they are missing to build a whole picture of what is going on....

I would not let the mother know.

tethersend · 16/11/2011 22:02

You will be doing more damage to X and your DD if you don't call, misty. I know it's horrible, but you are not the abuser here... don't feel guilty. He is the one who is ruining lives, not you.

Think of the long term outcome. It's worth any short term fall-out.

Original poster
misty0 · 16/11/2011 22:04

Thank you boys.

Gruffalow i'm proud of my DD too. I think part of the fact that she's handling this so well is that she's so young she cant quite see the full horror of what this could be leading to. Bad enough what X has endured so far already i know.

OP posts:
NotnOtter · 16/11/2011 22:05

nspcc useless ime

if you ring the police they are GREAT at offering advice -strings or no strings - you choose

i would ring police not reporting as such - just asking for advice in the first instance

GruffalowsMammy · 16/11/2011 22:05

X will probably eventually find out it came via your DD this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Again going back to my sisters experience, we were ready for things to get ugly with the friend and her family but the opposite happened her friends mum has thanked her so many times, and my sister has continued to be a support for her friend.

Bellavita · 16/11/2011 22:06

I took a call at work today from someone concerned about one of our students. The lady did not know who the call should be directed to. I contacted the CPO and it was dealt with swiftly - like within the hour.

Original poster
misty0 · 16/11/2011 22:08

Oh tether i am going to make the call. I promise. It'll be with heart thumping but i'll do it.

Just undecided about what to tell DD.

I cant/wont face the mum. I think there are people trained to approach these situations and i'm not one of them.

OP posts:
NotnOtter · 16/11/2011 22:10

I don't think i'd tell little girls anything

if it had been me (X) i would have panicked and probably made up lies to protect man

GruffalowsMammy · 16/11/2011 22:14

Sit your DD down after you call, and talk through it.
She is clearly a sensible girl and just be honest with her, I suspect she will already be aware of the 'full horror' of these night visits and if not it perhaps something you could gently talk about?
At the end of the day you are only trying to protect this girl and you just need to tell DD that.

Have some Wine you definitely deserve it!

Original poster
misty0 · 16/11/2011 22:17

Bella - yes the student support team at the school seem very dedicated. (another of my DDs class mates has been self-harming and DD and X reprted that to them last month, and they've been wonderful with the child)(God - what has happened to happy childhood these days?!)

However i'm leaning toward the police tbh. in this case.

Notnotter - yes i'm worried about forwarning X for that reason exactly. I'm thinking maybe i want tell DD what i'm doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
misty0 · 16/11/2011 22:18

wont tell i mean

OP posts:
Original poster
misty0 · 16/11/2011 22:21

gruffalow i think that sounds sensible. The gentle chat and the Wine!

Thank you all so so much for this input. Its been invaluable and has made me see clearly what i must do.

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