Wondering how best to help (child in abusive relationship) ...

[misty0]

Not really AIBU, i know but would appreciate your thoughts.

My youngest DDs best friend (both girls 13) is having massive problems at home and is confiding in my DD who, in turn is telling me about it all and seeking reasurance she is supporting her friend properly. They are best mates at school and see each other at weekends too.

The friend, who i shall call X, lives with her mum, dad and younger brother. Mother is a professional woman involved in social services. Father is a builder. The father has a serious drinking problem and has been violent towards X including chasing the girl with intent to hit her, actually hitting her, pushing her over and mentaly and verbally abusing her. He dotes on his son, however and directs this abuse only at the daughter. The couple row bitterly in front of the children.

The mother chucked the father out about a couple of months ago because of his behaviour. X told my DD she felt happier and safer with him out of the house. He was apparently going to get help with his drinking and anger issues before being allowed back.

About 3 weeks ago DD told me the father was back in the family home. At the same time my DD and X has a falling out caused by X's extreme moodiness. Last week X appologised to DD for behaviour and invited her for a sleepover. During the sleepover X cried all over DD and said she is frightened of her father as he had now begun coming into her room drunk in the night, waking her and sitting on her bed and talking bloody nonsense to her at night. Stroking her hair and telling her how lovely she is. If she shows any sign of not appreciating this attention he gets angry and violent.

The mother and father are rowing again, but it seems to me that X hasnt told her mother about the fathers night visits as she is afraid of making things worse.

I want to help as i am so worried about the little girl. This must be hell for her. I suggested to DD that she tell X to go to the social carers at their school about whats happening at home. The school has a good support network. Not sure if this filtered through though. As far as i know no professional help is being offered to the family. Definately not to X anyway. I am considering saying something to the school myself. Wondering if they could set up a meeting between themselves and X and her mum to help support them.

I have only met the mother once. Only seen the father at a distance.
I have only actualy chatted with X a few times, dropping DD off, picking her up etc, and she cannot stay at ours anymore as she is allergic to cats and we have 2, so i cannot cultivate a relationship with her myself much to try to help :(

What would you do?

I would report it to social services.

bloody great massive huge deafening alarm bells are going off in my head.

he comes into her room at night, strokes her hair and tells her she's lovely and gets aggressive if she doesn't appear to be grateful?

And a history of being physically abusive to her?

You have to report this.

Thank you Hecate. Yes. I think i know this, tbh. I needed to hear it from someone else. Should i do it through the school?

Please, please, please don't think you are interfering. Talk to the mother first and then tell her you are obliged to report if she doesn't deal with it. She may be completely unaware. Please don't let this happen to this little girl. You are the only adult that knows, you must help.

Report it immediately and try and build a relationship with her too? Has your daughter got any Grand Parents that she could take her friend to overnight maybe give you a chance to build up a rapport with the girl.

Or suggest to your daughter that x should go to the GP? All sorts of services offered through them.

But please God report it. You would never forgive yourself if anything happened. If nothing else he is physically abusive and she is frightened - nothing you do will harm her or put her in a worse situation.

Also perhaps keep a record of exactly what you are told and when. Not sure I would approach mum. Do you know her? Last thing you need is him turning up drunk at your place.
She really could do with talking to mum and the school. Poor little girl. Is your DD OK?

Thank you so much. My DDs GPs are out of the question. Too old (!), but i know where your coming from with that.

Told DD yesterday to tell X to go to any of her Aunts/Uncles/GPs on her maternal side about whats happening.

I will report this. I dont care about looking like a sticky beak - i was just concerned about causing more trouble. Now i've written it all down i see thats daft and i can do no more harm than is being done already.

I just want to get her over here for a permanent blooming sleepover where she'll be safe! But i cant.

Id get the mothers phone number and ring her. And i would do it urgently. This child needs help even if that means her being removed from her home.

Wolfie DD seems to be ok, thank you. I'm worried about her too though. Such alot to be taking on her shoulders. I thought if she did go to the appropriate adult at school with X to report this she would feel like she was really helping, y'know?

I dont know the mum at all. We're a few villages apart. Hadnt thought about the dad turning up! I'd crack him over the head with a bloody frying pan if he rocked up here with an attitude.

Report immediatly, police or NSPCC, right now

I had a terrible concern once about my dd's bf and I rang the school's student services and they were brilliant, suffice to say bf is now ok and happy.

Never be afraid of calling the school's student services, they will be able to get the right help and anyway, that's what they're for. I am so glad I trusted my instinct and anyway you know you would never live with yourself if she was sexually abused and you did nothing. You were very brave letting your dd have a sleepover there.

I'd phone the NSPCC helpline (0808 800 5000) and talk through options with them. They're very sympathetic and helpful. I spoke with them once because of concerns for a child and they were great.

Sorry should add that the father is on a weeks holiday somewhere without the mum or the kids so the little girl is ok right at this very moment IYKWIM?

My sisters was/is the person her friends all confide in. A similar scenario occurred and I got advice from a friend who is a social worker, on her advice we contacted the police on the non emergency number.
They will then work with social services and the school to support the children/Mother and press charges against the Father for his violence if they are able.

Please please please don't sit on this information, and don't go to the school directly or even the Mother, your not a professional and the police will be able to handle this alot better then you can. Good Luck. Please PM if you like.

There should be an on-call emergency social worker.

Call the NSPCC or, better still the police. Please.

Carriana, yes, i wouldnt have let DD go last week if i'd known this had all started up again before she went. I thought everything was ok and sorted out with him. :(

I will phone the student services or NSPCC tomorrow. And i will update you here.

I agree not to call the mother or school. Definitely a professional, as in a Dr, Police or SS.

At least x has your daughter to confide in.

Let us know what you do and results.

SS asap - and just be there for her and your daughter

Actually i will call the police. It sounds right, and yes, they will act i'm sure.

Maybe just ask your daughter to let x know? Just to give her a little fore warning? She may feel upset if your DD has gone behind her back?

Maybe? Not sure - she is only 13.

Boys - OH and i are having exactly that conversation this second. OH just said is DD th only one who knows? Yes she is.

But who ever i tell the police will get involved anyway. Surely?

Call Social Services tomorrow. If the father is out of the house then there is no need to call now, out of hours will only hand it to duty tomorrow.
This isn't a matter for the school, or NSPCC. This is a child protection issue - she is being physically, emotionally and possibly sexually abused. SSD will involve police CPT anyway, so the police aren't the ones to tell unless you are reporting a specific incident as a crime. Social Services Duty/Contact/Access team tomorrow.

NSPCC will offer to contact police for you if you're happy for them to do so - I guess they have the numbers of the right people there. The helpline is 24 hours. They can also give you advice about the relationship between your dd and x.

I think I'd be more inclined to go the Police and take whoever you speak to details so you can follow them up and check they are at least doing something.

How do you think your DD would feel about you taking action?

I definitely - without a doubt - would call the Police, regardless whether your DD or x wants you to or not. But maybe a bit of advanced warning would be an advantage for x, especially as bastard father is away atm.

Maybe get NSPCC advice tonight and act tomorrow?

I think the police will be involved whoever you go to. The advice I had from my friend the social worker was the police are the best contact, schools often mishandle these things. When we went to the police my sister didn't tell her friend and we agonised over that at the time, and I can say hand on heart that was the right way to do it.

Given what you've told us about the night time visits and the violence I suspect the police will be at the school to see the girl tomorrow, and he will be removed from the house or the Mother and children taken to stay with family.