Unable to attend funeral - no flowers or cards by request. What should I do?

[bradbourne]

A friend died recently (and unexpectedly). Years ago we were very close - but then she met a Scotsman and moved to Scotland and we pretty much lost touch apart from birthday cards and Christmas cards.
Her funeral will take place next week and I am not going to be able to attend, which I feel really bad about.
Anyway, my question is: would it be okay to send a letter to her husband expressing my condolences? Normally, such a question wouldn't even cross my mind, but her husband has specified "no flowers, cards or phone calls" (donations in lieu of flowers). Does that include condolence letters? I really don't know what to do for the best (other than to make a donation to the specified charity which I will gladly do).

I wouldn't if he has specified so specifically. Just do the donation, then make sure you send him a christmas card with a personal note in.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would make a donation (via the undertaker? They usually pass on a list of contributors to the bereaved).

And I think putting a short note inside a subdued Christmas card would be a good idea.

Thanks for the advice - I guess that's what I'll do. It just feels somehow wrong, letting her death go apparently unremarked (by me, that is). But, of course, the feelings of her family are paramount. She leaves behind two young children. A terrible time for them all.