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Brother about to hurt my husband over wedding plans/stag night

15 replies

Wills · 14/11/2011 10:41

Since proposing to his fiance my brother has got steadily more and more arrogant. I'm not sure why since she is absolutely gorgeous and I'm really looking forward to having such a lovely sister in law. Its as though he needs to prove himself to her but he's gone from considerate, loving and thoughtful to a puffed up Bafoon! I'm watching 3 sets of parents desperately jumping around him trying not to get hurt and provide him with his dream wedding. So far I've tried to stay as far out of it as possible. I've accepted all the rules, like no food for my youngest two (2 and 5) because they can only cater for 100. (they're having a v.v.v. expensive wedding at a v.v.v. posh place - me thinks they think they're names are actually william and kate - but hey its their wedding just didn't want you thinnking desisions were being made based on lack of money!). So.... The reason for my post..... I really want to get through this wedding and move on without any ructions. However on Friday I got an invite to her hen night along with my mum that will involve staying overnight. Given that dh and I have 4 kids we are limited for overnight babysitters i.e. my mum so I replied immediately to check whether or not my brother would be holding his stag night the same time. She's responded by telling me that my brother wasn't planning to invite my husband. Its one thing to not want or be able to go to a do, its another thing altogether to find out you weren't invited. This is going to really hurt my husband.

Now this could be resolved v.v. simply. Its going to be a footie weekend and my otherhalf doesn't like footie so he would immediately bow out using the lack of babysitter as an excuse. Simple and easy. BUT my brother's stuck somewhere in the realm of principles. Its his wedding, his stag do etc and he's not going to be forced to do anything he doesn't want to do! So... how the hell do I avoid a row?

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 14/11/2011 10:47

I don't know all the characters but if it was my situation (and could well be, I have an unmarried bro who could behave like this, although can't imagine him not inviting my DH). I'd speak to DH, agree that bro is being an utter tosser at the moment and not thinking things through. Explain what a rotten footie weekend he is planning and tell him that you think it is utterly unfair that he didn't invite you. Tell him you'd like to tell your bro what you think but right now, for the sake of peace you're not going to say anything at all. Be understanding and kind but be truthful. Your DH is a grown up, he'll get over it.

EdithWeston · 14/11/2011 10:47

Is your DH a particular friend of your DBro? IM(limited)E, stag nights are often based on friends, not families. Unless there are other invitees which make it clear that that's not the case, then if you stress that it's not a family event, it would be much easier to swallow.

Good luck with the onwards dealings with the Groomzilla!

AMumInScotland · 14/11/2011 10:48

Does your husband count your brother as an actual friend then? Surely if he's just "your brother" then it won't hurt him terribly not to be invited to the stag do?

pengymum · 14/11/2011 10:55

If my BROTHER refused to feed my children at his wedding, I would not only not be attending, I would have some strong words to say!
He is being VVVU! GroomZillaRus!

How can you refuse to feed children?
I would have a row!

I wouldn't be bothered about DH not being invited to a stag do that he wouldn't enjoy! In my view is nowhere near as bad - after all you said your DH wouldn't want to go anyway. I don't see the point of invitations where you know they will be turned down. BUT if he is not inviting DH cos he doesn't want him there rather than it is something DH won't enjoy, he is a tit.

BlueRedGreen · 14/11/2011 10:56

Your brother sounds like a wanker, and I wouldn't be too bothered about hurting his feelings.

I think you can just discuss with your husband what a tosser your brother is being, rather than keep it a secret or try and spin it to him differently, can't you?

pengymum · 14/11/2011 10:58

sorry assuming your DH is friend of your brother rather than just an IL! If not friends and don't socialise normally, then it's your brother's choice who to invite, your DH shouldn't expect invitation in this case.

DuelingFanjo · 14/11/2011 10:58

Is your husband good friends with your brother? Given that you have had time to have 4 kids together I am guessing your DH has been part of your family for a while so I can understand why this might hurt. On the other hand stag dos are often just for very close friends, particularly those which involve a 'lads night out' so maybe he figured your DH isn't really a friend but just a relative?

ellenjames · 14/11/2011 11:02

why on earth are you letting him get away with not feeding the children! Bizarre, i have 3 kids and them I and dh come as a package so no involvement for certain members would be quite easily solved for us, none of us would go!

QuintessentialShadow · 14/11/2011 11:05

Your brother is an imbecile.

I would decline the wedding invitation on the basis that your family is not actually catered for at his wedding.

I would decline going to the hen for the same reason, although bride to be sounds lovely, and you should feel honoured that she regard you close enough friends to come to her hen. I would tell her this. And add that it is purely because you have no place in her hen, when you wont actually be attending the wedding.

And your dh should not feel hurt or upset, but take it as a man not a child. Dont cover for your brother.

Unless your dh and brother are longstanding friends, he has no reason to feel snubbed. Stags are for friends.

chrisrobin · 14/11/2011 11:06

I wouldn't expect my brother to invite my DH to his stag do, similarly I didn't expect to be invited to my SiL hen night, IMO these nights are more for friends rather than family. Could you spin a yarn to your DH, 'oh, its footie based, he knew you wouldn't be interested and didn't want you to feel obliged' type thing?

Wills · 14/11/2011 12:41

I can certainly try to spin a yarn, but my dh DOES consider himself to be a friend of my brother albeit a family man with lots of ties. Equally I don't think he'd think of himself of a 'close' mate.

OP posts:
Debs75 · 14/11/2011 12:46

So how are you feeding your kids at the wedding?
McDonalds will go down a right treat me thinksGrin

TheRhubarb · 14/11/2011 12:52

Um, my dh didn't invite all my brothers to his stag do. In fact he didn't invite some of his brothers! The reason was that he wanted to go out with his close friends to get pissed - he hardly knew my brothers and also he knew that some of his brothers wouldn't want to go so he didn't bother inviting them. Stag dos are mainly for close family and friends, so if your dh doesn't often go out with him then he can hardly expect an invite.

I would tell your dh that your brother was considering inviting him but didn't want to put him in a position whereby he'd feel compelled to attend and be with lots of rowdy strangers at a footie match he had no interest in. It's a lie but it's a white lie.

The not feeding kids thing sounds like a subtle way of saying they don't want kids at the wedding, but rather than say that (and cause trouble) instead they are saying that they can't feed them in the hope that many parents will then leave them at home.

QuintessentialShadow · 14/11/2011 12:55

Oh yes, DO make a point of your children having McDonalds Happy Meals at the wedding, and if somebody asks, tell them the truth, that the wedding invite specifically said that your children would not be fed so you should bring your own food.... Grin

Wills · 14/11/2011 13:14

QS - I've already planned the fold up highchair for the 2 year old (cos she doesn't have a seat) and yes have talked to my mother about whether she'd cope with my dh popping off to get some happy meals. She's fine about it. In some ways I wish they'd said adults at the beginning but have made a big big thing about inviting them as his only neices and nephews. Adult only weddings don't upset me but either we wouldn't have gone or we'd have taken the cost of the babysitter out of the wedding present. I do feel that a person's wedding is their's to plan how they want BUT don't ask others to jump through soooo many hoops in such an arrogant way.

I honestly wish (and suggested this at the beginning) he'd eloped! Looking back at it post everyone's comments I suspect that they didn't want kids there BUT that that would have resulted in war with my mother (is not his mother - re-marriage) and his mother (as he's by far the eldest of her brood). So children have been very reluctantly included.

I come up with a plan for the stag issue. I've simply turned down my hen on the basis that we've got something else on.

If he's like this for his wedding goodness only knows how he's going to be when his first child comes.

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