dh making everyone wait

[Jux]

When dd got home from school she asked dh if he would do some singing with her as she has an audition next week (school thing). He said "yeah, give me 15minutes or so" and went upstairs.

DD and I chatted for a while. No sign of dh. We chatted a bit more. Still no sign of dh. By now, it's been over half an hour. I went upstairs to the loo. He was sitting reading. I said "I thought you were going to do some singing with dd" and he said he'd told her to give him 15 mins or so and "she hadn't come up". I said "how was she to know he'd finished whatever it was he wanted the 15 minutes for?".

He does this a lot. I can't seem to get him to understand that if people are waiting for him, it's at least polite to let them know when you're ready. He just sits and reads until someone comes looking for him.

It wouldn't be so bad, but you always have to go upstairs to find him. Stairs are always hard for me, and dd has a really bad hip atm so they're hard for her too.

What's more, I've often gone upstairs to find him after the allotted time, to find he's still not finsihed whatever it is, or has started something else because he finished 4 minutes and 33 seconds ago and as I hadn't gone up at that moment he thought he'd do such and such ....

Can anyone think of any way to get him to see how bloody annoying and rude he is being? (Or perhaps you don't think he is?)

I think it's rude.

Maybe though, it's easier to change your behaviour than his

Tell him he has 2 options - he comes to find you or DD when he's had his 15 minutes or finished what he wants to do (within reason) or you will get a timer, set it for however long he says needs and tell him it's now time to do whatever he's agreed to do. Tough luck if he's started something else. Shouting up the stairs works too - or calling his mobile!

Shouting up the stairs doesn't work!

The timer's a great idea, I shall give him the option as you suggest. Thanks very much. (The mobile might work, but is less likely, as he'll just ignore a text until ...... Or he'll get testy if we actually call!)

Why doesn't shouting up the stairs work?

If he gets 'testy' just tell him that he was the one who said you hadn't come to find him when it was time to do whatever. He wants his cake and to eat it too - tell him to stop being such a selfish grump!

I would just not go and get him. then when he wonders why no one wants to do anything with him you can tell him. might make him realise

DH has a tendency to always come up with something important that needs doing as the kids and I wait at the door in coats and shoes. really pisses me off! and it is stuff like filing that pile of papers or cleaning the bath. jobs that can wait

He doesn't hear shouting up the stairs. You have to really screech, and he can still miss it. I think he's a bit deaf, but he won't admit it or check it out. I slipped down the stairs recently and was calling for help but he didn't hear. Luckily it was half term and dd heard.

When I went up to the loo today, he said he'd wondered why dd hadn't gone up. He'll just read until one of us goes up there, which means that if we don't then whatever it is may not happen at all, in fact often doesn't.

I'd understand if these were things he doesn't want to do, but today it was music with dd - one thing he absolutely loves doing. Often, it's things he's suggested. I simply don't understand. He'll go on and on tomorrow about how fab it was with dd this evening, and what a shame they didn't have more time. It will drive me to distraction.

I think you need a cricket bat

I am v tempted to invest in one, Chipping!

What are these 15 min parcels of time? how often do they occur? He just reads in them? Why are they so urgent that nothing else can happen first? Most odd.

What would happen if you started doing it back at him? For example call him to the dinner table and then say "dinner will be in fifteen minutes. Or twenty if you forget to come and find me"

As far as I can tell he has a cuppa and reads. It is, apparently, most important that he gets to drink his tea in a thoroughly relaxed manner, so he rarely has one downstairs, but will always take it upstairs.

If left to himself he would only come down again if supper was called or he wanted another drink.

Senua, sometimes I can't just drop everything so I do keep him waiting. What happens is he then carries on reading and when I'm ready, he has to get to the end of the chapter, so I'm back to hanging around filling in time. That's why I'm on here quite a lot!!

If he has more than one thing to do in a day he thinks he's really busy and gets stressed.

He sounds like Mr Bennet in P&P, retiring to his study at every opportunity..

I think you should leave him to it.

It's not your responsibility to keep chasing him. It would drive me nuts! You're not his mother.

And it also gives the impression to everyone in the household that he is the most important person because he ultimately decides when something gets done.

He thinks he is the most important person! DD and I try to counteract this impression, but he is obdurate and has the power to behave quite shittily when you pull him up on things.

I don't keep chasing him, mind you. Mostly I try to just get on with what I want to get on with, but he'll do this once a week at least.

How about one of those really loud bike horns, the ones that come with a warning about hearing loss?

It's very passive aggressive of your H. It's a power play and a control thing. You have to figure out what he is getting out of it before it can really be addressed.

There was a thread here a few months ago about late people, why they do it, how irritating it is.