How to get out of hen dos

[vincettenoir]

My dp is a few years older than me and I am often invited on his female friends hens. They are always expensive weekends away with activities I would never choose to do like horseriding and cupcake making. I usually negotiate them quite well by going along to what I want to do and leaving out the other stuff. I generally don't enjoy them. They are full of girls who don't know each other - many of which don't ever go out. There is often pressure to pay for the bride or buy the bride a present. I've turned down a couple recently pretending that I don't have the money. The truth is I could find the money but don't want to spend a whole weekend / £300 on weekends that in my experience are usually really lame. I just want to know: does anyone else feel like this about hen dos? I am far more honest about not enjoying them than anyone else I know. But I do suspect that others might feel the same. It might be different when it's my own friends. But I think I'll still struggle to give up a whole weekend to someone elses plans after a hard week at work. I'd like to know how others feel.

I usually do the same as you- either go on part of it, or plead poverty or lack of babysitting. However, I'm a single mum, so that excuse is accepted! Sorry, that probably doesn't help you much

£300 is a lot of money to spend on a weekend which is not your cup of tea and not with YOUR friends. I'd have no guilt about saying no. You're not oblidged to go.

I feel the same as you.

However it is an honour to be asked and you should do the honourable thing and decline regretfully.
Pleading poverty is a good one, no one can argue with that in these economic times. If you'd rather not mention money, which can be tricky, once you've heard the date you say 'Oh such a pity, it's my mum's/sister's/best friends /godchild's birthday that week, we have a family tradition to do x on that weekend. Thanks so much etc...' That's vague enough that you dn't have to come up with details on the spot, and nobody can claim that they are more important than your mum and your family traditions.

Say that unfortunately you're busy that weekend but you hope they all have a great time.

Just decline politely, say you have a prior engagement or something like that. I suspect that they are inviting you out of politeness as you are the partner of their friend and are seeing it as a way of giving you the opportunity to meet/get to know some of the people who will be at the wedding. I very much doubt they will be hurt by you declining the invitation.

It's an invitation, not a royal command. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't make it/am busy that weekend; hope you all have a fantastic time and I look forward to hearing about it at the wedding." is a perfectly acceptable response.

If you're not a close friend they are mostly inviting you to be polite anyway (e.g. I often get invited to hen events when DH is invited to the corresponding stag event).

To be honest I'm pretty good at negotiating my way out of them anyway. I guess it was more of a rant. I am frustrated at the way they have escalated in the past few years and I surprised by how much everyone seems to expect. What's wrong with a simple night out on the piss?

I actually think it is fairly rude to arrange a social activity that effectively excludes friends with less money. I deliberately chose a hen do that was accessible price wise to all ( although with retrospect maybe should have paid a little bit more for the accomodation). It is not impolite to decline an invite that costs you a lot to attend.