Aaagh....children's party dilemma. WWYD?

[clairefromsteps]

We're just about to send out invites for our B/G twins' 5th birthday party. They've only just started school so we've decided to just go the whole hog and invite the whole class (about 25) to the village hall, with an entertainer, cake etc.

Problem is, one boy in the class is incredibly badly behaved. He's disobedient and gets really violent when he doesn't get his own way - punching, kicking, biting etc. When I was six months pregnant he just walked up to me when I was dropping my kids off at preschool and punched me in the stomach. No reason, just a wallop in the stomach. I'm on the committee of the local preschool so I know a bit of background - SS are involved with the family, police are regularly called out by the neighbours because his parents are whaling the hell out of each other, you get the picture. The parents wouldn't let the preschool refer him to be assessed, but the staff didn't think he had special needs, he just lacked boundaries.

So part of me is thinking, it's not really the kid's fault if he has such a disruptive home life, I can't NOT invite him if we're inviting everyone else, and who knows, maybe he'll behave himself. Another part of me is hoiking up her bosom and saying 'Bugger off if you think you're coming to MY kids' birthday party.'

WWYD? My two don't really mind whether he comes or not. And if we invite him (which we probably will), how do I say to his mum 'Can you give me your phone number in case your son has a shit-fit and I have to call you to come and pick him up?'

[Bossybritches22]

You are right not to single him out, but that's kind of you to invite him after the little sod walloped you.

I know you shouldn't have to but do you have a patient male friend who could be his minder for the party & take him in hand for time out if things get over-heated?

They always ALL get horribly over-excited anyway so maybe a few extra pairs of hands would be useful!

Good luck!

[grumpypants]

well, much as you may have lots of opinions/ feelings/ concerns, your actual ptions are quite limited. You cannot refuse to invite him. On the day, you should have a pen and a list of all the children coming and when they get dropped off, get the parent to either write in their number or put down 'staying'. This is in case of accident or illness - no need to say anything else.

Make sure that everything is very clear, that game rules are explained, how the winners will get chosen etc, and how many games you are playing - he can't get frustrated or upset by not knowing.

If he is violent, treat the behaviour as you would any other child behaving that way. Make sure they all know what will happen if they carry on etc.

It will be fine.

[dustystarry]

You could always ask for everyones numbers in case of an emergency. Some parties my two have been to I've had to do that.

[PattySimcox]

I always take numbers for parents who aren't staying just in case, so that would be my ploy.

If you have an additional adult to keep an eye on the child, then if he misbehaves take him somewhere quiet, if he does not want to behave then he doesn't get to partake in party and parents are called.

Obv this relies on the fact that they will come and get him

[zipzap]

As the others have said but I'd also make sure the parents (all!) understand that they can't leave their child at that age without an emergency contact number and to check they have their phone on when they leave.

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

I really don't thinnk you can leave just one child out of being invited. Fine if it was half of the class, but not just one.

Most parents will stay with their dc at age 4/5, but for those that don't I would definitely make sure that you get an emergency contact number. No singling anybody out.

[clairefromsteps]

TheSecondComing - I was actually chair of the preschool at the time and I had complaints from parents about this child that I had to respond to. I asked the preschool leader what was up with him, so she told me.

Everyone else - thanks for your suggestions!

[Bossybritches22]

Secondcoming that is none of your business & actually nothing to do with the OP's predicament.

[belledechocchipcookie]

Ds invited 'the naughty child'. The one who threatened to throw the teacher out of the window. He was as good as gold, his mother said he didn't get invited anywhere so it was his first party I'd invite him and get a parent to watch him like a hawk.

[vncenvano]

tbh after a particularly disruptive pair of brothers came to my 5yos birthday party, I'd not invite them again. Do you really want your child's birthday party to be disrupted? Do you really want to have to spend the whole time watching this child?

[dramatrauma]

He's five. He may be a little s*, but he's still a five year old child. Suck it up and invite him.

[stealthsquiggle]

Agree with just about everyone else - take numbers for all parents not staying, "just in case", and get someone to shadow him. A hired teenager would be ideal if you have a suitable one - the big sister of one of DS's classmates would routinely (unasked and unpaid) take the "difficult" children at parties and engage them in something quiet and non-disruptive - they adored her and so did the host parents!

Chances are, though, if his home life is as dodgy as you think, that he won't turn up because no-one will bother bringing him .

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

As a parent with some prior knowledge and understanding it is your duty to ask him and also to help him in any way possible. I see it as my duty to assist other children at my DC school where possible. If I see a child is struggling to make friends then I help if I can.

It's a community spirit. The poor thing must have a shit time at home, the last thing he needs is to be branded this early in his school career.

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

As Belle says, children like this don't have what others do. My DD had a friend at her school who had moved from another and we asked her to play after school one dayand her Mother cried. She said the DD had never had ONE playdate as she was so challenging. Yes she had a history of hitting and beng naughty....What I saw was a VERY bright child who struggled to mix on account of her gifts, the story isn't always clear cut. She was wonderful to have too...no bother.

[belledechocchipcookie]

Ds is being tested for Aspergers, he was rarely invited to parties in primary school and never had a play date

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

I think that ALL parents have a duty to care for other children...not only their own...then we can all relax in the knowledge that our DC are safer...in all ways. Of course this is in an ideal world...but I still think people need to make an effort to look out for other children. Then it may come back to you and yours.

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

Belle is he ok now?

[belledechocchipcookie]

Not really Mumbling. He's 12 now and thinks he's 'weird'. His school are helping now though so it's not all on my shoulders. The previous ones have just shouted at him for not fitting in.

[LoopyLoopsRootyFroots]

Belle, he is the most lovely and friendly 12 year old boy I've ever met. :)

[belledechocchipcookie]

Thank you. I've sent you a DM. Loopy

[ragged]

How can it ever really be a 5yo's fault if they have misbehave very badly? They either have an organic problem not being addressed and/or adults have let them down terribly in even worse ways. Either way, compassion should always the be default starting point.

I hope you found him a minder, anyway. Doesn't sound like his parents will necessarily come pick him up even if you do ring. :(