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I haven't spoken to my sister for around 4 months... wwyd..?

11 replies

Shhhh · 29/10/2011 15:33

Various factors saw us having a heated argument via text around 4 months ago, given the fact that she was around 4/5 months pregnant I text to apologise for the argument as it possibly wasn't the right time although inwardly I don't regret what was said, it was 20+ years of niggling that exploded I guess.

BTW I did try to call her home phone and mobile but the call was ignored unanswered.

Since then its been dh & I's wedding anniversary, last christmas she told us she wasn't giving christmas gifts (just for the dk's) YET on our anniversary sent us a £25 cheque. I never cashed it BUT sent a text on the day thanking her. I still heard nothing back.

She lives a 9hr drive away and mum visited her 2 months ago, during her stay my sister brought up our argument, was in floods of tears and told mum the whole argument was around the fact that I said she wasn't wanted as a baby //shock. Not words that came from my mouth...

so.......... the week she was due (having a CS) I sent a card, just from me. Saying I hope all went well with the birth and I looked forward to a dn/n.


She had the baby.......... I got told from my mum NOT my sister or her dh Sad. Mum asked her dh to let me know about the baby.......... its now 10 days on and im still waiting.

I sent a card to say congratulations........ nothing

I sent flowers (in fact flowers she had in her wedding bouquet= thoughtful) nothing.............

Mum has spoken to her, says she wants an apology from me.

TBH, I apologised for raising the argument when I did BUT what I said was the truth and my feelings.. well my feelings from the last 20 years.

WWYD now.?

A lot has happened with me sister we fell out, I have suffered a 3rd mc following anxiety of finding out I was expecting dc 3 (long story). I having x2 monthly councelling, ds also started school so I am going through a bad time atm, a time I guess when I would liked to have turned things around with my sister iykwim.

I feel I have offered not only an olive branch but a tree Sad.

I need to move on and I need to know what is the best option. Do I walk away from her OR do I send a letter saying I have tried to work around things but its hard when its one sided and that there wont be an apology as she has hurt me over the years..?

Saddens me that her baby is my first chance at being an aunt and I won't get the chance to see baby (possibly). We won't ever have a close relationship, she made sure of that when she moved so far away but she is also my only sister.. I don't want to go through life like this. BUT I will if I have to.

Dd (6) and ds (4) have heard nothing either.......... she is ds's godparent and part of me thought him starting school would result in her at least contacting him and dd....

OP posts:
ballstoit · 29/10/2011 21:25

Sorry you've been going through a hard time recently.

To be blunt, there are 2 options;

  • apologise. I don't think you need to grovel, but I think you can apologise for the timing of the argument and the fact that she was upset and hurt. You've said you felt the timing was poor, so that will be a true apology and I presume you probably wouldn't want to upset and hurt her either.

  • you can not apologise. She has made it clear she won't be prepared to accept anything less which means you will have no relationship with her.

I suppose it comes down to how bothered you are either way.
Shhhh · 30/10/2011 09:57

Thanks BS.

Well I am bothered hence me starting this thread BUT on the same note im really not prepared to grovel, yes maybe my timing was slightly wrong but at times you can't always plan what is said and when its said iykiwm.

The argument was what had been brewing for years and me being the type of person I am I had taken it for so long and tbh im now at a stage in life where I am starting to realise that I am an adult, I am a mum and I need to be more assertive. I guess though that that assertiveness isn't what people expect and I do end up releasing in one go iykwim!


I just feel its all on me now, with regards to the family. Like I either suck it up or I am the one at fault.

My mum this week has been unwell and keeps reminding me of that fact, like I am the one making her ill. Yes, sure its adding stress to her but I have tried to apologise in a way and that tbh has been to try and make others happy.

IMVHO its also my sisters responsability as well. Its something I feel we should meet half way on.

Its only now speaking to friends that know my sister as well as those that don't that opinions are coming out and mostly around the fact that they can't believe I have put up with so much from her over the years. That makes me want to walk away, I don't need it in my life.

If love isn't returned then its not worth giving, thats how I feel and have felt for a long time. BUT as she was/is my sister I just accepted it.

Sorry if I sound bitter but I guess my feelings are turing from sadness to anger.

OP posts:
Trills · 30/10/2011 10:02

How can you apologise (even if you decide to) if she won't answer the phone?

banana87 · 30/10/2011 10:08

Call her. This needs to be done over the phone, not in a letter or text. Though I suppose if she refuses to answer your calls then you have no other choice. Can you try ringing her DH instead? I don't think YABU, I think she's being a hormonal pain in the ass Grin. It's just not worth a huge rift over something do small.

ballstoit · 30/10/2011 10:14

Shhhh - I'm lucky in that my family, on the whole, get along well together,

Ex-H's sister is/was very toxic, tried to control him and his brother, treated their mum really badly but created a drama at her funeral by 'collapsing with grief'. Eventually, we decided that we didn't want her in ours or our children's lives. My ex-H doesn't regret making that decision, he says he wouldn't put up with that behaviour from anyone else, why should he from his sister. When we split up, she contacted me trying to offer support...I made it clear I wasn't interested in that. I suppose though, that it was easier for ex-H as his mum wasn't around to get involved, something I imagine is very difficult for you to deal with.

I probably didn't sound as sympathetic as I meant to. I can quite understand why you wouldn't want to apologise. But without an apology you are stuck with this situation where all your efforts are ignored. The choice you have to make is whether you are prepared to make an apology of sorts, in order to maintain a relationship with your sister and between the children. Or whether pursuing a relationship with her is, in the end, likely to cause you more grief than it's worth. I'm of the opinion that if she is unable to behave reasonably after all the efforts you've made, she's probably not worth the effort. But that's easy for me to say, she's not my sister. Sorry I can't be more help.

LaPruneDeMaTante · 30/10/2011 10:27

I think it goes to show that you can feel things very strongly, let them out, and find that perhaps the other person has no idea what you're on about?
Is it possible that your words were so shocking to her that she can't talk to you?
TBh your timing isn't great, so short a time after the birth. I was an emotional wreck then and wouldn't have been able to cope with something like this.

Shhhh · 30/10/2011 10:38

laprune, this happened way before the birth. When she was around 3/4 months pregnant.

AND it only happened after I got pushed away so much since she announced the pregnancy. From around 11 weeks to about 16 weeks anytime I called or text as I would do regardless of the pregnancy I was met with one worded answers. The pregnancy was the elephant in the corner.. Naturally in a coversation you would ask how someone was, abruptly I would be told she was pregnant and not ill. Her dh told us of the pregnancy along with strict orders not to discuss the pregnancy with her.

At the falling out it was over a maternity item she was after, I bumped into her friend in town who had been in contact (bearing in mind my sis lives 9 hr drive away) with her and was looking for something my sister couldn't get. I knew where to get it from and when I next spoke to my sister I told her I could get them..... that was the end.

I was accused of discussing her etc.

She has been rude to my mum, in fact the only time I feel she has been cival was when she needed £500+ for the pram.

She is toxic and tbh the more I type the more its turning into therapy and I can see I don't need her...

The relationship between her lo and my 2 will never be there as there is such a distance between them.

BS,you were not being unsympathetic. Your comments are helpful Thanks x

Laprune,yes maybe my comments did shock. I intended them to. She needed/s to realise that for years she has treated people, mainly her immediate family like sh1t and its not fair.

OP posts:
LaPruneDeMaTante · 30/10/2011 10:43

Well if she's toxic and you stood up to her, then it's normal that she doesn't want contact: you're of no use to her now.

Shhhh · 30/10/2011 10:53

lol at that laprune.!! Grin.

Im tossed aside like a piece of rubbish. Sound right tbh Smile

Geeze, I have been paying a fortune in therapy over the last 2 months.. all I needed was a session on mn Grin.

OP posts:
LaPruneDeMaTante · 30/10/2011 11:12

One of my SILs is like this. I've never had to stand up to her personally, but she behaved so badly one family get-together that we were all stunned into silence and basically ignored her demands for attention. After that, she wouldn't answer the phone and has been in extremely minimal contact for about 4 years now. Result. Grin

Shhhh · 30/10/2011 12:05

now.... that is a good way of viewing it Grin.

OP posts:
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