Problems with my Mother's Attitude

[tryitandsee]

My mother who is 74 and divorced 30 years lives alone. She claims to have never found anyone on her itellectual level ( she has a degree is psychology and an Art degree.
I visit her once a week and call her every couple of days. My sister who cannot put up with my mum's attitude visits once every 2 months and calls her once a month.
Many times i have ignored my mother's hurtful comments and continued to have a relationship with her. However, last week was the straw that broke the camel's back.
My son ( her grandson) is an active outgoing little 4 year old boy. I am currently 8 months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. He was sat between us on the couch when she said to me " I hope you dont have another one like him". I was stunned. I said "You cannot say things like that and he is sitting right here". She said " oh, i just mean he is a handful for you and anyway he is'nt taking it in".
She then went on to tell him later that he was an "evil little boy for chasing her cat around.
When my son was diagnosed with milk and soy allergy my mother said " can't you have a child that doesn't have anything wrong with it?. My eldest (17) has Autism.
I have tried very very hard to keep calm but i cannot believe the things that come out her mouth and she is forever telling everybody she is so super intelligent and has this psychology degree and has studied children so surely she knows what she is saying is wrong at hurtful to me.
My sister never gets this kind of abuse from her now as they dont spend a lot of time together.
All this came to a head over coffee out the other day when i walked out on her. She was feeling ill and had come to meet me and was complaining about all the things she had to do and i said to her that she should cut back and that it was'nt good for her health and she was the one setting her own timetable and no one ws behind her making her fill her week up with too many things and she just went mad at me. Saying "you dont know what its like to get old, even a few things are overwhelming". I said again, "well. don't do so much , noone is making you". Then she said " Oh yes it's all about you !!".
I am confused. I think she really resents/ hates me. I called her for a meeting next week when i am going to have all this out with her.
What do you all think i should do/ how to tackle it?. I really can say now that i dont like her one bit.

Have you found the genetic link with your eldest DC's autism? Many adults, especially with HFA and Aspergers, have slipped through the dx net and cope through a combination of eccentric behaviour and the British tradition of being too polite to mention it

She is very very unlikely to change, or even, by the sounds of it, to see your point of view. You can tell her how you feel and it might make you feel better, but be prepared for her not to listen, or to attack you (verbally!). Whatever you have to complain about, she'll probably think (and say) that it is your fault.

Personally, I'd just back off a bit. Call less, visit less. If she complains, say "well, you know why I don't enjoy visiting you much, don't you?" or the less confrontational "well, new baby, kind of busy".

You can't change her, but you don't have to make yourself available for more of it.

I agree that you wont change her. I wouldn't even bother having the 'meeting' to be honest. I'd just do what your sister does. Cut right back on your contact with her - she's thoroughly unpleasant.

Thanks ladies. Some times it's difficult to see the wood for the trees when your in the midst of it . I'm more aware now that i should speak up when she says the things i dont like and not let it simmer away for ages as it's not healthy for me.