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Original poster

being blanked - not nice

19 replies

Wafflenose · 30/09/2011 22:56

Hello, I don't think I've ever actually started a thread before - please be nice :S

A few months ago, I received a nasty text message about myself and my daughter, which was destined for a friend of mine, but accidentally sent to me. The sender was another mum, whose DD has been friends with mine for ages, who wasn't a close friend but had been to my house a few times, I'd looked after her DD and had her over to play, and used to chat to the mum quite a bit. I'd confided in her about some issues we were having with the school, which were thrown back in my face quite unpleasantly when I received the text. Anyway, I was quite restrained, sent a really nice text back (so she'd know that I'd received it, rather than the intended recipient) apologising for any offense she might have taken, saying I'd calmed down and looked forward to seeing them more in Sept. I never received a reply (mmm, funny that!) and this person took great pains to avoid me for the rest of the summer, except once when we bumped into each other and I pasted a smile on my face and greeted her cheerily. Since school started, she has totally avoided me, stands well away and pretends to be busy even when our children are happily playing together and totally ignores me. This hurts, because I trusted her and don't think I've done anything wrong. My concern is that it's going to be incredibly awkward to not speak to each other for many years to come, as our kids are likely to be in the same class for the rest of primary school. It's a shame, as the girls are friends, and I really get on with her DD. I want to fix this without appearing desperate, but the rest of my family say I should do nothing. WWYD?

OP posts:

fivegomadindorset · 30/09/2011 22:59

I agree with your family, why on earth are you trying to make it up with her, she is in the wrong and knows it hence the fact that she is ignoring you. You are doing exactly the right thing by being pleasant as she cannot then continue to bitch about you.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 30/09/2011 23:03

Gawd I wouldn't do anything to try and make up with her. You've done nothing wrong.

I have to say it does sound a little desperate to be trying to make up with her. If the kids get on that's great, just take the moral high ground and ignore the other mother.

Original poster

Wafflenose · 30/09/2011 23:04

Thank you, am fully expecting to get flamed over what might or might not have annoyed her in the first place...

it's for the sake of our children. I'm sick of the awkwardness, of having to worry about where I stand, who I talk to, when I'm next going to bump into her again, etc. I think I just need to grow a thicker skin!

OP posts:

planetpotty · 30/09/2011 23:06

This is a classic avoidance tactic...IMO she fucked up SERIOUSLY and she doesnt know how to fix it so is making everything ten times worse by acting like this.

As for what to do I think its hard without knowing you both but I would do is ask her face to face to go for a coffee on xday to have a chat and move on from the whole text thing.....I wouldn't trust her or have much to do with her after that but if you're concerned about the many years to come and there being an atmosphere it might work? Just a suggestion :) If she is even half human I bet she feels like crap and very over the whole thing, as she bloody well should!

bumpybecky · 30/09/2011 23:06

would you find it easier if you were incredibly cheery and smiley and always gave her a huge smile and a big hello whenever you saw her?

I'd find it amusing seeing her being awkward when you're being so friendly :)

Original poster

Wafflenose · 30/09/2011 23:08

Thank you, great Becky, I think I will do that.

Planet - I'm not sure I know her well enough for that, and don't think she'd agree to it. I did think of asking her DD over, because mine misses her friend, but it's a bit hard to ask when someone won't even look you in the eye!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wafflenose · 30/09/2011 23:10

I do think we need to move on though, so will think about that!

OP posts:

planetpotty · 30/09/2011 23:15

Waffle I did think as I was typing bet she has the dentists that day....more avoidance!

Cooorrrrr can you imagine how much she crapped herself when she realised she had sent it to you though rookie mistake, ha ha maye you could do that in Pretty Woman style "Rookie mistake, seriously, rookie!"

Good luck with it all, such a nasty thing to have happen :(

MurunBuchstansangur · 30/09/2011 23:16

What did you say?

we can't judge you properly until we know what you said

But I'd be breezy and superior if I were you. :)

Original poster

Wafflenose · 30/09/2011 23:19

ha ha, come to think of it, she cancelled playdates THREE TIMES in a row when our kids were tiny, because of hair appointments and the like. This was when we sort-of got on, long before the text thing. Cue loads of tears from then-3 or 4 year old DD. Yes she is untrustworthy, and possibly unstable. I just hate being disliked/ ignored - don't we all? I am also painfully shy but making an effort, and do try to be nice to everyone. If I'd made an error like that, I'd have apologised profusely and probably taken the 'victim' a bunch of flowers. But no response at all from her. She probably doesn't even realise it hurt - she's so shallow. Now I have a smile on my face though - lol at your last post Potty! Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wafflenose · 30/09/2011 23:25

Murun - just normal conversations about how our kids were settling into school. DD was baffling me at the time - her teachers and I have since worked out that she is both very, very bright and extremely uncoordinated. This woman obviously never listened to the bits about the coordination, because she then sent this nasty, sarcastic text saying to another friend that she was dreading having to 'contend' with v. shy me, and pondering why DD wasn't being sent straight to Year 6 if she was so clever. No regard for the SEN bit. So I didn't say/ do anything particularly, and even when we were chatting generally about the kids and all of this (and her struggle to learn to ride a bike, etc) she was still speaking to me - it was only after the text message that she became so ignorant!

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Meteorite · 02/10/2011 12:27

You sound like a lovely person :) You deserve better "friends" than this and you have done nothing wrong. This woman sounds jealous and bitter.

Redbluegreen · 02/10/2011 12:42

I can't imagine why, when receiving a text like that by mistake, you would send her a nice text back apologising and saying you were looking forward to seeing her? Are you massively insecure? That is such an odd reaction.

Conundrumish · 02/10/2011 12:53

Oh my goodness - she sounds horrible. I think there are certain people you can't say anything remotely positive about your own child to, as their own insecurities mean that this is seen as bragging (even if you say that they are finding reading quite easy, but are rubbish at w, x, y and z, for example).

I think you are being way too kind to this lady and really need to pretty much ignore her. Keep it bright and light if you bump into her, but do not go out of your way to befriend her and her daughter. The children will play at school if they want to, and will be fine. I think it would be totally in order to be a bit off with her now and to continue to be kind to her would be asking her to treat you like a door mat.

DeeScent · 02/10/2011 14:19

I expect she feels ashamed and embarassed by her behaviour, and intimidated by how lovely you are.

But don't be a doormat by being too nice. You'll get a bit more respect if you're not over-doing it trying to make things okay for her (when she is the one who should be working hard to restore the relationship.)

To be frank she doesn't sound like a worthwhile friend. Keep the door open so to speak so your dd can play with hers but I would have some dignity and not look desparate to get her to like you.

Original poster

Wafflenose · 02/10/2011 16:13

Thank you all, am feeling better about it. I am going to hold my head up high and smile if we bump into each other, but otherwise have nothing more to do with her than I have to.

Meteorite - I do have some lovely friends and make sure I see them lots. Still find the playground a bit intimidating really, but am trying to talk to new people too. I am pretty sure she IS jealous, even though her DD has had no problems at school due to either her academic ability or her coordination - we've had both.

Redbluegreen - I wanted her to know I'd received it and that I wasn't going to stoop to her level. It actually read something like "I got your message. It will be nice for the girls to be in the same class in September. Don't worry about me - I was way too precious-first-born and have calmed down. It's good that I now know how you feel though, as you've given me something to think about. Wafflenose" I wanted to try not to retaliate but to make her aware of what she'd done. I am not insecure.

Pink and Dee - that is exactly what I intend to do. I will be polite when I have to be (at yeargroup parents' meetings etc) but I do not want to be friends any more and have lost all respect for her. In an ideal world she would do the same, but I think I need to accept that there will always be some awkwardness now.

Thank you.

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Original poster

Wafflenose · 02/10/2011 16:40

oh and the bit about September was because the woman's text was talking about who was going to be in what class, and why was my DD not going into Year 6. She's in Year 1. How ridiculous!

OP posts:

Waltraut · 02/10/2011 16:50

On one level she is saving face because she screwed up royally with the text, and has probably turned it round in her own mind to make you out to be so unbearable that all she can do is to ignore you (cognitive dissonance).

On another level, she clearly didn't rate you very highly in the first place! Sorry to be brutal. It sounds like she is a horrible person to be honest, all in all.

There is nothing you can do to make her like you, there is nothing you can do to make her apologise (which is what is needed). I know what you mean about being ignored, it's horrible, but take it on the chin and have a good laugh at her whenever possible.

Conundrumish · 02/10/2011 21:04

Good, OP. Just think, you could have invested years in the nasty woman; at least this way you know what she is made of early on!

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