Wanting to return home to Australia

[SouthernCrossedStar]

I want to move home but I?m not sure if it?s the right thing to do?

We have a LO who is nearly a year old and I?m desperate to go back but we have bought a house 18 months ago and my husband isn?t too keen on the move back just yet. He is from Ireland and so although we don?t have any family and not too many friends in the UK his family and friends are quiet close and we go back to Ireland 3 ? 4 times a year and his family come out regularly.

Financially it doesn?t make sense to go back, we have a lovely house, both in good jobs and are able to save a little each month while enjoying life. But I am desperate to be back home during this time. I struggled a lot when my LO was first born, not with PND but I was very depressed, mainly I think because I was so homesick, and lonely and I had no one to help me.

My dilemma is do I force the issue and have us all move home now and maybe risk my husband being unhappy there, or just bite my tongue and see it out a little longer? We originally said we?d have the house for 3 years so it would only be another 18 months but if things go really bad with the economy and we can?t sell it (only want to pay the mortgage off) we could be stuck here for a lot longer and I don?t want to rent it out, it?s too much hassle.

The plan has always been to go back to Australia, but my husband just isn?t ready yet. But I?m so sad that I do cry every day (quick cry in the shower gets me through!) and sometimes I feel resentful because I?m trapped here ? even though no one trapped me but myself!

The other thing that plays on my mind is I do love the UK and I know that I want to come back at some point but I just didn?t realise how hard having a child without any support would be... Should I just suck it up and get over it, surely the homesickness will pass?

Sorry for the very long post! Just wondering though what others would do ? am I be unreasonable in wanting to return to my home?

[esselle]

It is tough isn't it! I am from Oz, lived in London for 10yrs, returned to Oz 4 yrs ago, married a Brit, bought flat and had DD while in the in UK. Quick summary there.

I can really relate to the homesickness kicking in once baby arrived. I wanted to share so much with my family but you can't always call because of the time difference to share the little milestones as they happen. Dhs family lived a couple of hours from us too so we had not support either.

Dh was always keen to move to Oz but we never really nailed down a date but rather said we would do it before DD went to school. He finally suggested a moving date after I had a rip roaring argument with is sister at Christmas (not a technique/strategy I would recommend) and realised there was not real reason to stay any longer.

Do you think you could explain to your Dh just how unhappy you are and maybe re negotiate the time scale already agreed? Or maybe a a holiday back here to recharge your batteries? It is bloody tough isn't it.

[SouthernCrossedStar]

Hi Esselle, I'm sure if I told my DH how unhappy I really was we could go home sooner. But then I feel bad as I know he's not that keen to live in Australia. When I met him (in Australia) he always said he was going home and had no intention of staying, unlike all his mates at the time who were and are still desperate to move to Australia!

The deal was though a few years on this side of the world and then back home. But I don't feel as though I've lived up to my end yet, we've only been here not quiet 3 years...

I don't want to go home for a holiday as I'm sure leaving will be too hard!

So you don't regret moving back? Has your DH settled well in Australia? Do you mind me asking where in Australia you are?

[esselle]

No I don't regret it at all. I was ready to leave London, I feel like I had ticked all of the boxes for everythng I wanted to do there. I think for me London was fantastic when I was young, single and drunk but once I had DD it was a bit more of a juggling act. I was happy to draw a line under that time in my life and come home and be the suburban housewife - DC4 is due in March, it has been a busy 4yrs !!

I think Dh initially had a tough time settling here in Melbourne. He had a bit or a career change in the year before we moved to make it easier to get a job here and had a job lined up for when we arrived. He found that he totally hated it though and it took 10months to find his ideal job which he loved - with David Jones so I loved the perks too . He is not particularly close to his family and I think was actually pleased to have some distance between us.

Last year he suddenly told me he wanted to get his Australian citizenship, out of the blue, so that is all sorted now. He joked that it meant he could break the law without the risk of being deported. He has another job now with a fantastic company and is back in London atm. He said in an email last week that he realises now that there really isn't much he misses about the Uk at all anymore. I think it is just good pork sausages and his beloved Liverpool FC!

I know you would feel guilty about asking your DH to move back here but wouldn't you make compromise for him too if it meant he was happy? Your situation is really different now that you have had DC too so it is tricky to stick to a deal when you felt differently. I hope that makes sense.

Comiing back here was the best thing we could have done too as the timing was prefect. We managed to sell our flat a couple of months before the GFC hit and then ride it out here in Oz which has been pretty unscathed. We have been able to build our own home with a lovely big garden for the DC to play in. I am still 6hrs away from my family but they live in a very rural country town with zero job opourtunities and to be honest I would cut my legs off before I moved back there. My parents visit often though.

I hope this is helpful. I am happy to answer any more questions you have. And I think this is actually my longest ever post!!

[Grockle]

Only read OP but you have my sympathy. I lived in the US and DS was born there but, for 6 years, I wanted to come home. My situation was very different and I moved home without exH but it was the best thing I ever did.

[saffronwblue]

I think the kinds of deals you make about where you are going to live, when you go back to work etc need to be renegotiated once DCs arrive. It seems to me that your homesickness is naturally exacerbated by having LO and that your DH needs to take this into account, in terms of the whole family being happy etc.

[lulalullabye]

Omfg esselle!

[Bubbaluv]

One of my best friends moved back to Aus beacuse her DH was homesick. She wasn't ready to go and beacuse of that it has been hard for her to settle. She's been back 2 years now but is still not quite happy and I think it's put a real strain on their marriage.

On the other hand. I was quite depressed after the birth of my DS2 so we moved back earlier than would have been ideal financially/workwise etc but we have settled in really well and we're happy with the decision.

18 months really isn't that long and it might really help if you actually start putting a plan into action to move back so you feel like you have some momentum. You may find it hard to sell the house, but if a bit of "hassle" with renting it out is the price you pay for a move back then surely it's worth it? Why is it such a hassle?

I actually found trips home to be excellent cures for homesickness at least temporarily. When you're away it is so easy to imagine the Australian grass to be far, far greener than it really is. A little trip back always confirmed for me that it was a place I loved but also somewhere that would always be there for me so there was no rush. It also reminded me of the frustrations I have with the place which helped as well.

My final advice would be to talk to your husband. Try to be rational and reasonable rather than purely emotional. This is a decision that effects both of you in a major way and it is in neither of your best interests to force the other's hand.

[Bubbaluv]

Oh, the other thing was that we moved back to be closer to the GPs so we could have some extra help. This has not eventuated and I now have less help than I did in the UK where I had a lovely cheap Au Pair. Here the GPs have proven to be lovely and doting, but random and unreliable (and actually rather annoying )

Anyway, I guess I'm just emphasising the risk of over-romantising the benefots of the move and over-dramatising the suffering of staying an extra 18 months.

You do sound really low though - maybe you should talk to your GP?

[lulalullabye]

Oh and congrats