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My husband has an obsession with Australia and wants to move there for 18 months - HELP!

12 replies

RollOnTheMum · 21/09/2011 20:58

Hello all :) Need some words of wisdom please. I know this isnt the end of the world (but ironically it literally is!)

My DS is 7 months old and have a fantastic support network of a wonderful family and friends. Im enjoying sharing the joy my little boy brings with them. While I am happy and living the life of the Darling Buds of May, my DH is miserable, both in his job and living in this country. He wants to escape and experience Oz for a couple of years.

We went travelling together there before DS was born and had a great time; however, the obession he has with Oz was not nipped in the bud then, he wants to go back on a more permanent basis.

We have just bought a beautiful house and I feel we are in a fantastic situation, surrounded by grandparents and friends who dote on DS etc., Im loving it! So worried that moving to other side of the world will be a bad move. DH will not stop going on about it. He has done for years. However, Im so afraid because while I love my DS so much, being away from support network and living in a foreign country while he is so young will be so isolating.

My DH has said we will have problems if he cannot experience Oz again. I am an open minded and positive person and not against the idea of going as Ill make the best of every situation, that is what I am like. However, I am worried when I think of being away for 18 months how long that is and what it will do to the grandparents if I go, (especially my mum who i am so close to and see every day!) and to me for being out there on my own while DH at work and enjoying social events that go with work out there; and what it will do to my husband and our relationship if I dont go. I know Im coming across as a people pleaser, I do want my husband to be happy and fulfil his dreams, and although I wouldnt emmigrate, 18 months is a compromise but it is still a long time and it scares me! Is there anyone out there in a similar situation and what did you do?!
Thanks so much for reading.

OP posts:
SouthernCrossedStar · 27/09/2011 12:33

Hi RollOnTheMum

I am just about to post something similar to yours - but in reverse - I am an Aussie with a little baby wanting to go home!

I personally would not do it while your LO is so young. I have no support here and only a handful of friends and it is bloody hard! I am a person who enjoys their own company and even I'm struggling with being lonely with only a baby to keep me company.

And you say in your post that you are loving how things are at the moment, to change it so drastically could be very unsettling for you.

What is it about Australia that your husband has an obsession about? If he is thinking that you will go back and it will be like it was when you were out there before, childless, he could be in for a big disappointment! The sunshine is great, but really, having family and friends and support is much better. Do you have any friends out there?

Good luck with your decision x

ColdToast · 27/09/2011 12:41

"My DH has said we will have problems if he cannot experience Oz again" What does he mean by this?

I'm not against the idea of moving abroad but in your situation I would stay put. You're thinking about how a move (or not) will affect everyone. Your dh seems to be considering only himself.

If your relationship isn't strong enough to survive you staying put then I seriously doubt that it would be strong enough to survive a move to the other side of the world.

Evenste7ens · 28/09/2011 06:37

Moving to australia would probably cost quite a bit of money! Depending on your ages etc getting visa can also be quite hard! ie if you are over 30 i think it can be a bit harder to get visas. maybe you can knock the whole thing on its head by getting your husb to really figure out the costs and amount of time it will take to organise - job, visas etc. Also factor in the costs of renting with or without furniture in Australia, then buying furniture etc, also child care, and needing stuff for the baby; buying it - or shipping stuff over.

We are from the UK and live in Australia - we love it! but we came over as husband and wife so we didnt have to contemplate accommodation, child care etc really seriously and we could just please ourselves about where we wanted to live, with no thoughts of a small babies needs.

we didnt have to worry too much about health care etc as we were just winging it! but that is another thing to think about with a baby.

nooka · 28/09/2011 06:55

I think I'd try and see if you can get to the bottom of why he feels Australia is the answer to all his unhappiness. My dh was like this about North America, it caused us no end of trouble, and then we finally did move he turned around and said that he realised that it wasn't where he was, but who he was with that mattered. Which was lovely, but also quite annoying!

As evenstevens says emigrating is very expensive, visas are not easy to come by and there is just a huge amount of disruption involved. I also think it can really make or break relationships, and if you have nothing to gain by it, then conversely you probably have a lot to lose.

kelly14 · 28/09/2011 20:35

Me and now ex travelled oz together for a year when we was 20-21, on return i found out i was pregnant!

We decided to emigrate and started the long and costly visa process and was granted Permanent Residency in 2008 when our daughter was 3!, he travelled out before us to secure job, house of which he did nothing!, my parents came out with me and secured us an apartment and paid for 6 months rent and all new furnishings. We had been together approx 10 years, within 3 months we was over!!

he moved out, i got a job and met an ozzie who affectively ruined my life!, i worked every hour god sent and my dd was in before and after school care from 7 till 6 everyday, not getting home till 7-8pm at night dependant on traffic. i couldnt make friends as never got chance which in turn made me stay with the abusive person longer and i couldnt escape.

I returned to uk with my dd in june/july this year after nearly 3 years in Sydney, it was lonely and nothing of the oz we experienced whilst travelling(obv) my dd's dad stayed and now lives the bachelor life he always dreamed of and always had since moving there, which he wouldnt have had enough points to get PR without me and dd.

One of my only friends there, nearly 10 years older than me at 38, married 2 children also from uk, within 6 months had met and left her husband for a young 20 r old ozzie and she knows lots of people whos marriages have suffered at the cost of one wanting to move and the other not!

I was very homesick, it is sooo expensive! i was paying nearly 2 grand (pounds, sorry no pound signs on this laptop) a month just for a small 2 bed apartment (old) in sydney, gas, elec, phone, net, food, alchohol, before and after school care and petrol all extortionate! (and i was on good wage)

only thing cheaper i can think of was dominoes, which is $5 any pizza on a tues ($7 any other time) lol

good luck, big desicion and thats if your even eligable for a PR visa!!

RollOnTheMum · 29/09/2011 21:51

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my little problem ;)

I had a chat with DH last night and he said there is no other deep rooted reason for him wanting to go to Oz (such as being unfulfilled in our relationship for example). He is just passionate about travel, says there is a big wide world out there and wants to make the most of his life.

To answer all your questions:-

SouthernCrossedStar - the obsession is with Melbourne. DH loves the sunshine, easy access to sporting events like Aussie open and Grand Prix, the wineries, positive people, extensive food and drink lists, beaches. I am sorry to hear you have been homesick. Where in Oz are you from? Is your DH supportive? Will you ever be returning to your homeland?

ColdToast - what my husband means by us having problems, it that it will be a problem for him if i want to stay in the UK for the rest of my life because he wants to experience another country for a short while. He likes having exciting new chapters in his life to look forward to. I dont want to live in the Uk forever and ever amen either, Im not against going to Oz one day - my problem is going when DS is so little.

EvenStev7ns - We can get PR, we need 65 points and DH has 75. Money is not an issue either as he was awarded some compensation money in 2004 after a near fatal car accident. Probably a very big reason for his desire to travel and live fast! I do note your comment about the health care though - I bet that isnt cheap. And with being a paranoid first time mum i do spend a lot of time at the Doctors! ;)

Nooka - How annoying that your husband decided North America wasnt for him after you agreed to uproot yourself! Are you home now? Has he been more settled in himself? How long were you out there for? Men!!!

Kelly14 - Shock I am so sorry for the terrible situation you and your DD were in. Your ex behaved appallingly. I cant believe he chose Oz over your daughter, thank goodness that man is out of your life and you are back in the UK. Was a real eye opener reading your message, and hearing that lots of marriages suffered doing a similar thing. I hope your time in Sydney seems like a long time ago and you have moved on and are happier in your life?

I have decided that it is going to be a wrench but I am going to bite the bullet and go to Oz for DH, only when DS is at least 2 years old. DS will be able to enjoy the experience too and will be so interactive and more practical than going when he is a baby. Can properly enjoy outdoors life etc. I am still very wobbly about going but i suppose you have to regret the things you do rather than the things you dont do. I dont want DH feeling like I held him back in his dreams.

Thank you all for your help, all the best Thanks

OP posts:
nooka · 30/09/2011 03:00

Hi RollOnTheRum, we've been in Canada now for almost three years, and are very happy, so it's not that annoying. It's just hat we might have been just as happy in the UK somewhere new, just with a great deal more money.

If it's an adventure that your dh is really after then what about taking a sabbatical and going traveling? A friend of mine took her little girl (single mum, her dd was about 7) off for six months or so and had a great time - I think that would be cheaper and actually more exciting than immigrating.

tryingtoleave · 02/10/2011 13:06

Ask him what he will do to support you if you no longer have your family support. Will you be able to go out without dc, if you don't have babysitting? Babysitting is expensive in Australia. Will you be able to work without a support network( I know it is possible, but it is more difficult). What happens when you both have flu, but have to look after the baby?

I have lived like this for a few years. You can do it, but it is certainly not the same as having a family safety net.

RollOnTheMum · 03/10/2011 12:14

Hello Tryingtoleave - DH says I will have the support of the toddler groups and other mums while in Oz while he is at work. He envisages us going out for wonderful weekends away as a family. In terms of babysitting, DH's sister also lives in Melbourne and a friend of mine lives out there so hopefully we might be able to go out on our own a little bit.
Are you happy with the situation or are you desperate to get home? How does your DP support you?

OP posts:
tryingtoleave · 03/10/2011 13:09

I am from Sydney, but had my children in Canberra. So I was only a four hour drive away - hardly comparable. We managed quite well when ds was a baby, but when he became a difficult toddler it was harder and when we had dc2 it became very hard indeed. It was particularly hard because our children weren't sleepers and because ds was such a naughty toddler it was hard to take him places. Because the children didn't sleep ( and I mean for years) and we had no one to take them off us, weekends became about negotiating who was going to take turns to rest and giving each other a break. If I got a migraine and had to pick up dcs, i would have to call dh from work. When I had morning sickness with dd ( I was totally debilitated), dh took a week off work and then ds and I went to stay with my family for three weeks till it abated a bit. If I couldn't have done that, I don't know what would have happened.

Babysitting is about $20 an hour. We could have afforded to do that occasionally, but because we couldn't do it regularly, we didn't have a chance to build up a relationship with a babysitter and our dcs were used to relying on us only, and so it was difficult to leave them with a babysitter. Dh went away for two weeks for his sister's wedding and an old friend from Sydney who was in canberra came over for an afternoon. I explained I couldn't go out because dh was away. She said, don't worry, I'll watch the kids while you get stuff done. She couldn't believe how grateful I was and I don't think I will ever forget her kindness! It was just so extraordinary for me - the only time I got that kind of help in 4 years.

I met women at playgroup, but didn't form babysitting circles with them ( as some people do). I found people tended to either have family help or be so busy with their own stuff that they couldn't really help someone else out.

It probably varies with area and social circle, but most Australian women return to work, at least part time, between 6 months and a year after their baby is born. This also makes it harder to make relationships.

Work hours can be long. Dh would get home between 7 and 8. This made it almost impossible for me to get out in the evening to an evening class or for dinner.

I don't want to make it sound too awful - I have good memories of that time and will always be fond of Canberra. But your dh is kidding himself if he doesn't acknowledge that it will be much harder moving away. We moved back to Sydney a few months ago. I only really have my dad left now, and he doesnt do much with the dcs, but even that has made a difference. It is a safety net, someone who can do a pick up from childcare if I am sick, can cover the gap occasionally between me going out and dh coming home, who can distract the dcs for a few blessed seconds while I make the dinner.

tryingtoleave · 03/10/2011 13:11

I think I missed the 18 months. That would make it easier and harder. Easier because you know it is for a limited time, and you can try to treat it like a holiday. Harder because it will be harder to form relationships with others.

sunnydelight · 30/10/2011 10:42

If you're going for PR it will probably take up tp 18 months to get your visa anyway, so that gives you some breathing space.

We emigrated to Sydney four years ago and love it, bit it was definitely something both of us wanted to do. If you think of it as an 18 month adventure and know you will be going home then you can support your DH in following his dream without it affecting your life long term. I am slightly puzzled at the choice of Melbourne though if your DH is motivated by sunshine!!!

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