Would another baby make me happy?

[Analyticalannie]

I have 3 children: DS1 16, DD1 14 and DS2 11. We did consider another one but financially we couldn't afford a people carrier. The years went on and I was happy picking them up from school and helping with homework etc.

DH works 7 days a week on the family farm and I have no family within 30 miles. It was really hard but I have loved every minute.

DS2 left primary last June and since then I have been extremely unsettled. I work 1 day a week in my NHS job, this is very stressful with lots of pressure and little if any management support. i do need a change but in this climate it wouldn't be easy.

We are now financially able to afford a 4th child, however I have just turned 42. My GP gently suggested that perhaps it is time to move on and that in 10 years time I might be a Granma. I am very apprehensive at embarking on a pregnancy at this age and am also worried at the big gap. I have no desperate desire to be pregnant and have a baby, I just want the child we could have had. I think I want to keep the caring cycle going and retain the role I have enjoyed so much.

I do however have a DH who i adore and who will support me whatever i choose and 3 healthy happy kids. I would so appreciate any thoughts.

Would it be possible for you to do some voluntary work in an area of work that you feel would interest you?

It might be what you need to give you more satisfaction, work wise.

It sounds like you don't actually want another child, and that it is just the children growing up that has unsettled you.

FWIW I had a baby at 43 when my children were 15, 17, 19 and 21. Although it has been rewarding it has been hard work. Everything has changed since my others were little and obviously things are different with one child at home rather than several siblings. It was difficult co-ordinating Uni visits with a baby, and obviously being used to going out or doing what I wanted when I wanted with adult children, now I am restricted by a very young child who needs minding. Meanwhile many of my friends are now grandmas!

What I would say is think hard about what it is you actually want. I wanted to put the clock back to when mine were little and do everything different, but obviously that can't happen. If you feel you really do want another baby then go ahead, as time isn't on your side. If however you just want to make up for lost time there are a lot of other things you could do instead.

Thank you for your comments.

That is certainly good advice tallulah when you say think carefully as to what I do want. That however is my problem -- I feel lost and unsure. You wanted to put the clock back and do things differently, well in a way that is exactly what I am trying to do. I want to have that fourth child that we couldn't afford nine years ago. Is the gap a big problem for the children? Do you feel it is like having 'an only child'?

I am finding it so hard because I loved it so much. I not only loved it, but I feel I was good at it, all three children were awarded grammar school places. My DS1 is currently sitting his GCSEs and is no bother at all. He studies for 10 hours per day and never has to be nagged. Parenting the children has been an absolute joy and i know I am privileged to have had this experience.

When my youngest left the primary I feel i missed the routine of collecting him off the school bus and also the social aspect of picking him up when he attended after school activities. At the grammar they get a 'big bus' home and if they are picked up in town it is just in a carpark. I am quite isolated with no family living near me.

I have thought of fostering, but to be honest i am unsure how well I would cope when they go back. I am also tied because of the farm. I do help my husband but it is on a ad-hoc basis - no routine.

I am just really unsure as to what to do next.

i am not an expert on this, but it sounds like you are mourning a part of your life that has finished rather than really wanting another baby. yes you could have another baby but it would have big implications for your life, as any baby does, as others have pointed out. i would probably try to look for something else to move on to.
having said that, i'm 37 and keep thinking, well in a few years time, when we can afford it and we've got a bit of breathing space, maybe i'll have another