Should we move to London?

[ains73]

This has been an ongoing problem for us for several years. It is at the heart of more or less every argument we have.

I will try and keep it as summarised as possible.

Nine yrs ago I lived in London with my now DH (who at time was just a friend). My father then suffered a massive stroke which prompted an immediate move for me back to Glasgow. During the first few months of my father's illness he would visit me and soon we realised that we missed each other more than 'friends' should and we got together as a couple.

My dad was in a very bad way and being an only child (and the only family my mum has in Scotland) we decided to give our long distance relationship a go with him flying up to Glasgow at weekends. This has continued ever since.

After a few yrs we got engaged, marrying 5 yrs ago. We now have a DD who is 3 months old.

9 years is obviously a very long time for DH to be flying up and down and now with our beautiful baby, it makes it even harder. We have tried to ease the situation by cutting his working week down to 3 days but its not really working and just stressing him out.

The dilemma is that as the only person my mum has nearby, I would find it incredibly hard to leave her. She visits my dad every day in his nursing home but they both can get very down with how their life has turned out. She is so loyal to him but dealing with the politics of the nursing home can be very difficult for her. I love my mum dearly so the thought of her on her own with the stress of coping with my dad and the home scares me. However, I also love my husband very much and feel he has done enough of this travelling and I owe it to him to help make his life easier.

I know there is no win win situation here but it would help to hear what people may think.

Hi, I'm so sorry you are having these problems, it is a lot of weight on your shoulders and trying to keep everyone happy can be really hard on you. It's just my initial thought but would it be possible for you all to move closer to london - your mum and dad as well? Your dh sounds like he is really trying too so all credit to you both and i can also understand why you don't want to leave your mum atm but if your mum has no real support in scotland other than you i wondered if she would consider moving with you maybe to london outskirts and possibly finding a home for your dad with less 'politics'. i hope you find a happy solution for you all and that it all works out really well for you.

Hi coffeewhitenosugar. Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my post. Your suggestion is one which we have considered before but ruled out due to the disruption it would cause my dad. However, perhaps this is something I should be discussing with both mum and dad again and weighing it up as one of our options.

Thanks again for your kindness.
x

Well if DH flew up to Glasgow each weekend, what's to stop you living down there and doing the same to see your mum and dad? Okay so it means leaving the baby at home with DH but it's not so outrageous considering he leaves you in sole charge right now?

Hi northerngirl. Thank you so much for your suggestion. Again, this is another option that we are discussing. At the moment a variation of it is looking like the strongest contender. Our idea is splitting our time 3 wks London, 1 wk Glasgow. I would try and come up with the baby though unless frequent long train journeys prove too challenging!

x

I'd really rethink the baby on the train - it's fair enough if you are prepared to spend most of the journey standing in the corridor so that no one else is disturbed - but the problem is, there isn't really anywhere to go if DD starts screaming. How would your DH feel about having a screaming child on the train for 5 hours when he's commuting?

Shorter visits but more frequently might work best? Particularly if your dad's health isn't good.

Hi there - sorry if I've missed this, but is there an option for your dh to move up to Glasgow permanently so you can all be together in Scotland, rather than you move away from your parents?

I would move, on the basis of the info in your OP. Sounds like DH's job is stuck in London - if that's the case, he can't move and you all need to be together now, especially with the LO. It's been suggested already, but better you do the flying to see your parents I think, given it's not possible to split yourself in two. A hard decision, but that's what I'd do in your situation I think.

Hi everyone. DH's job is definitely stuck in London so unfortunately us all living in Glasgow is out of the question :( The commute back so regularly does scare me, particularly as DH is a REAL screamer (poor thing suffers from reflux). I guess if it was proving a big issue then I would need to come up on my own or wait until DH can also travel with me to help.

Thanks for all your help. Your replies are helping me get my head around the situation. I know deep down we need to live together and I should prioritise the 3 of us but it's so hard dealing with the emotions of moving on, leaving mum and dad on their own. What I don't want to happen though is to leave it another 9 years then wonder where our lives went. It causes resentment at the moment with DH and it will only get worse.

ains73, it's a horrible decision for you to have to make .

I think the suggestions about you flying up at weekends to spend time with your parents sound quite reasonable.

What worries is me is implied in your last post... what if your marriage can't continuing to live apart in the long term? It sounds as though your DC would see very little of her dad if you were to split. You don't mention your parents' ages, but the worst outcome might be losing your marriage and then your parents and ending up alone in Glasgow.

Thanks for your post piprabbit. You make a very valid point, albeit scary to think about. Does help to clarify the situation though. Thanks for your frankness.

I didn't mean to worry you more than you already are - sorry.

Sorry, you have to put your family first.

You are depriving your dd of a dad, to ensure your mum has her daughter?

Your mum is an adult, you need to cut your apron strings and ensure that she can stand on her own two feet, like she should, and be a family with your husband and daughter.

I completely agree with QuintessentialOldMoo. This situation is causing your family (DP and your DC) unimaginable stress. I don't think your mum should have let this situation come about in the first place. She should be ordering you back to London to be a family.

When you marry and have a child then that unit should take absolute priority. Move to London and fly back to Glasgow as regularly as you can practically manage. And be kinder to yourself.

I can really empathise with you ains73 (I'm in a very loosely similar situation re: care responsibilities and distance) - This must be so hard, however I agree that you have to prioritise your DH and your new family. This doesn't mean that you have to neglect your mum but as others have pointed out, she is an adult. Is there nothing you can find within Glasgow to make sure she gets support and respite from charities / organisations?

I think what your DH has done has been amazing and a real sign of his commitment to not only you but your family.

Have you talked to your mother about this? I'm sure she really values your support but if she thought it was potentially at the risk of your marriage would she still feel the same way about you staying to support her?

Apologies for not replying sooner, I have just seen I had more replies. Thank you all for taking the time to put across your pov's. It helps so much to hear what I already suspect myself. DH and I had a huge argument last night and yet again the issue of him travelling so much came up (despite argument being about something entirely different). I know I need to bite the bullet and move. You are all right. The three of us should come first. xx