Dear wise, sensible Mumsnetters,
Please give me the benefit of your advice! I am wondering if this is all going to seem really petty once I've put it down in writing, but it's been bugging the hell out of me for a couple of years now.
DH has a brother. He and his wife (my SIL) have 4 DCs. DH and I have 2 DCs.
For the past 12 years I have taken a lot of time and trouble, and have been quite generous financially too, when choosing birthday/Christmas/christening etc gifts for the nephews & nieces. We don't live near each other (5 hour drive) and only see each other once or twice a year. I always make sure the gifts are posted on time, I enclose receipts so SIL can change them if she or the kids want to, and DH always phones or texts to say Happy Birthday/Christmas etc etc ...
In 12 years we have received one - ONE! - thank-you letter, and never even had a phone call or a text to say thank you for anything we've given them. They basically ignore us. We have dragged ourselves across the country for christenings etc, despite having a very young baby ourselves, because they are family.
I have always written thank-you notes for gifts that my DCs receive, and since DS has been old enough to write, he writes a thank-you note (even if I write it and he just signs his name 
). Last year, during our annual visit, SIL sat me down and firmly told me a list of things that were acceptable gifts for her forthcoming DD1's birthday. (Including makeup, crop tops and high heels for an 8-year-old, but let's not go there). It was on the tip of my tongue to say that her DD wouldn't be getting anything until she learned how to say thank you, but one of the children created a diversion at that point and so the comment was left to fester unchecked in my brain ....!
At Christmas, fed up with spending loads of time trekking round shops to choose thoughtful presents, and fed up of having sent cash for their DS1 (now aged 12) for the last 3 years, AT THEIR REQUEST, only to be told last birthday that it was a boring and unimaginative gift, I sent them a Waterston's £10 gift card each. Again, no thanks were forthcoming.
Just to confirm: I don't give gifts in order to receive thanks, but I feel that the gifts we send are not appreciated and they would not notice if we didn't send anything. (Please note that I do always send the gift receipts to my SIL, so it's not as if I'm sending yukky things that they hate and that they are stuck with - they are free to change them!). For example, I might send clothes from Next for the nieces, or books/nice wooden toys for our nephew aged 2, etc - I am not sending them a load of cheap tat!!
BIL & SIL have made it very plain that they do not consider DH and I to be their "family" (their family apparently consists of them, their DCs and SIL's mother). They have expressly said that they wouldn't like it if we lived in their village (!) and that they don't want to spend Christmases with us. We get on for the sake of the children, who are cousins and who love seeing each other, but that's about it really. There has never been a falling-out; DH wants us to be closer but his brother (and, presumably, SIL) just don't want to. We have had endless conversations about this, and it just isn't an option. I'm not looking for ways to bring the families closer; BIL is so stubborn and it just isn't going to happen.
It is their DD2's birthday this week (she will be 5) and I am sorely tempted to just send a card. And to text SIL to say that we think we should just send cards for bdays and Christmas from now on, not presents.
WWYD?