WWYD my your daughter tells you off for saying "temper temper" to 14 month grandson

[shebear]

she is nearly 40. He is 14 months. they came for sunday lunch. She wiped his face that had fruits of forest all over it and he screamed like a banshee. It tickled me and mypartner. We giggled or smile. I thought whoops she's going to know about it when he gets a bit bigger. Never thought any more about it. they left after 2 hours. I got feeling something is wrong - because she's always looking for a fight. Concentrates on negatives rather than positives all the time. Today she said she was very "cross" that I kept saying DGS has temper. Apparently its inappropriate and I should go and read some child development books, it is neglect of his feelings and I used to do it to her and granny used to do it to her. I couldn't think of anything to say apart from sorry. Put phone down and cried as she is so difficult. Was I wrong? I feel I have to watch everything I say and evrything has to be perfect or she will pick up on it. Last week she said my brother's house was "dirty" (it isn't) so I spent two days making sure mine spotless before they come. they don't come over often . its a one and a half a drive and I do it mostly. This is the second time she's been to our house since he was born. aaaargh. I think she is depressed but she thinks therapy answer to everything... has had some and she is now consequently perfect. I think she's a controlling manipulative bitch but I love her .. what to do? I feel like I should stand up to her... I don't because always implicit threat of not seeing DGS. She has stopped her husband from seeing his parents as they don't quite match up either.

To be honest, there's not much you can do, as she's the one holding all the cards here

I'd get along as best you can and maybe when the child is older, start offering to babysit so you can get to know him without her interfering

thanks thats what my brother says. I offer all the time. She prefers to pay someone. It would mean me staying over I suppose and there's no spare room.

Anyway feel better for sharing. thankyou colditz. I love her and baby so much its heartbreaking but brother and partner say I need to look after myself and not worry so much. I'm not a bad person but I did neglect her and her sister emotionally when they were little, and shes got issues, but in my defence I was 19 and didn't have a great example set but have tried to make it for it since ;o))

meant to say "tried to make up for it" ... :o))

Have you been able to talk to her about her childhood and let her tell you about how she feels about it? For a lot of women, having a child themselves brings lots of things to the surface about how they were raised, and there can be a lot of feelings of "How could she have treated me that way?" which she may need you to hear and acknowledge before she can move on.

It certainly sounds like she wants to point out things which you did which she is determined not to repeat.

yes. she raised it about 4 years ago after going to therapy. She never actually spoke to me herself but sent her husband to say you did this and this and this and I don't want to speak to you again for 12 months. Which happened. I was devastated but stuck to what she wanted. We had a death in the family in the meantime and she rang - then there was the London bombing same year and we spoke then too and now we have a quite good relationshi I think but its like shifting sand.

I'll just put up and shut up and hope I dont put foot in it any more. she does say stuff like oh mum but you were 19 ... I understand blah blah blah .... and all I keep doing is say I'm sorry sorry sorry - what else can I do ...

I think yes you are right Scotland, she is determined and I admire her for that but I'm also a product of my upbringing, as she is ...

I only want the best for them and didn't understand how utterly rubbish I was as a mother until she told me in no uncertain terms. I thought I was great til then! but I also have a daughter (38) who is schizophrenic with learning difficulties .. I can't believe I've damaged them both so badly by my depression when I was younger ...

Tbh I am at you referring to your own DAUGHTER as a "controlling manipulative bitch." How would she feel if she came on MN and read that?

It sounds as though you need some counselling yourself if you veiw your daughter in this way. The very fact that you used those words PROVES that you are neglectful of her feelings. I am sure you do love her, and I'm sure you weren't an utterly rubbish mother, and I'm absolutely sure that you need some professional help to reconcile the past and to help you to move forward positively, without guilt and recriminations.

P.S. In answer to your WWYD question - I'd get some counselling. I'd want to remain a part of DD's & DGS's lives at whatever personal cost. And I would know, deep down, that the counselling would be beneficial in the long run.

yes she's told me I should do that too not just keep taking prozac... I went about 2 years ago but didn't like the counsellor ...yes you are absolutely right MrsM but I did persuade myself that she never goes on line never mind mumsnet. I agree ... thats not normal is it. but I'm so angry and upset with her ...

I sound like my mother when things get too difficult she says stuff like "I can't really be doing with this".... ie nothing to do with me ...

and I do want to be part of their lives at no matter what personal cost ... and I do make excuses.... I say I can't afford it .. of course I can. I've just spent £400 on something for the house, in a recession.

thank you all ... will go and find some counselling .

shebear Something I learned from counselling is that we all instinctively repeat the behaviours we've learned as children, even if we know that they are not "good" behaviours. I hope this helps when you berate yourself for sounding like your mother - that's the way your brain is programmed - you're normal! You just need some help - also normal.

Depression is a horrible illness and I'm sorry you suffer from it. If you need help finding a counsellor, your GP should have a list - both NHS and private - and you can also look in the Yellow Pages for local counsellors who are registered with BACP.

You should be able to get counselling on the NHS - in some areas you can even self-refer on the NHS. Your GP receptionist should be able to confirm whether this is possible where you live.

You can also post in the Mental Health section on here and will receive great advice and support from the many fabulous women (and men!) on this site.

thankyou Mrs M.I've tried to get help tho GP before ... but they cancelled the appt and the person sounded a bit flaky to be honest.

I do understand about repeating behaviours and being hard wired to do it - I thought my daughter did too and understood why I did the things I did... I hoped she'd be able to see past that to what I try and do every day , which is try to understand her, never interfere with how she does stuff and love her unconditionally.

I don't agree with all she does do in her relationship and with DGS but have never interfered with anything at all unless she wants me to .. but its never enough .. I'm always getting a hard time and sometimes I can't bear it ..

I've registered for email counselling with a webiste called RSCPP. at least when she has a go at me I can ask the counsellor if she's being reasonable or should I stand up to her or just keep saying sorry ;o) the only thing with my partner and my brother etc is that they're all from similar backgrond so no idea what I'm talking bout and start blaming her ... i know there's more to it. anyway will go over to mental health forum and have a look around there. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk.

nope its not helpful ... but I'm nearly 60 now and its difficult to get out of old habits .. they die hard specially when you dont know they're wrong. I honestly didn't know that saying a 14 month old has a temper was wrong .. now having a think about it I suppose its really horrible ...as DGS just didn't want his face washed and is probably teething too - but I was brought up to think that having a bit of a temper was something to be admired - to me it means you're not a pushover - and thats what made me and my partner smile ... :o))