Concerns about bullying at DD's school - by DN!

[chicaguapa]

DD(9) started a new school last year after we relocated to a new area. The new area is nearer to family but still an hour away, so maintaining a nice distance, not too close, but close enough for more frequent get-togethers etc.

Dsis has now moved to this area and her DC (one DD(9) and one DS(6) have started at the same school as my DC (same ages but each is a year below). I had reservations about this, but it's not my place to dictate where she and her family live. I know she has moved here to be closer to us, but we unfortunately don't feel the same way and preferred the old distance.

The main reservation was that whilst the two boys get on very well, the two girls don't. I have had issues with my DN since they were 2 with unkind behaviour towards my DD. Another factor is that DD has ASD tendancies and I know the DN thinks my DD is a bit weird. I also heard her friend tell her that she thought my DD was weird and my DN didn't stick up for her, which I felt very upset about. So my main reservation is that DD is very happy in her new school and has no bother from anyone, and I didn't want that to change.

So now DN is at DD's school. DD came home today and was really down. It turns out that DN's friends have been saying unkind things to her today at school. Nothing too but I think it has had the same effect on DD as it has on DH & I, as in "here we go....!" I think the main problem is that DN and DD are SO different; DN is a slightly precocious girl, into make-up and how she looks etc. whereas DD couldn't care less and looks a scruffbag most of the time and she is quite eccentric. So I think being DN's cousin has brought DD to the attention of a different crowd in the above year and singled her out for attention.

I know I can speak to the school etc, and I definitely will do if it escalates. But I just feel a bit sad that DD's safe little school has been infiltrated by DN and that DD's life at school may never been the same again. WWYD? Am I over-reacting?

I spoke to my Dsis who spoke with DN, who confirmed that her new 'friends' weren't very nice to DD today. Apparently DN wanted to stick up for her but didn't want to ruin the friendships she has made.

Am so fucking angry and upset.

I sometimes go into schools to teach extra-curricular activities. I have a girl in Y2 who has always been very helpful until her cousins started at the same afterschool class. It has made a big difference to her behaviour. Also, the cousin that started later than the girl was being a bit of a sly bully. I spoke to the form teacher/Head of KS1 (younger than your DD) and she was shocked, especially as the cousin always behaves very well in class. Both mothers (sisters) pick up from the lessons. I'm glad I spoke to the HoKS1 as it has now been sorted without the mothers falling out (I think).

I would speak to the school now before anything escalates. You can ask them to be discreet and not mention that it was you who spoke to them, for them just to say that they had noticed that other children were being nasty to your DD. I really hope that you manage to get this sorted. I know it's very difficult for you.

Thank you for your lovely reply. I'm sure the school will sort it out if it escalates. It might cause problems with Dsis but I'll stick up for DD over and above anything else. I just feel disappointed for DD that my prediction has come true.

I have been there in the same situation, only the school forgot they were cousins and moved them into the same class - I try to take it as a compliment "they are so different I forgot they were the pair of cousins" it has been very hard at time but it is more or less sorted out now. I took a zero tolerance approach and went to the head each time the issues arose - it was their mess they could sort it!

They are 9 and nearly 9 and were put in the same class 2 years ago.

Younger cousins get on absolutely fine but they are boy/girl so perhaps makes it easier. One of the staff still didn't realise they are cousins though - referred to me as Mrs CarGirl and I corrected her to Aunty X, her eyes were out on stalks!

My advice would be don't deal with your dsis direct over it, go to the school.

Thank you. I will. I guess that's the silver lining. I can get the school to address the issues we've had for the last 7 years.

I'm surprised other people have had the same experience tbh. It's reassuring. Maybe if it's not unusual, the school might be more aware of a potential problem anyway and more likely to know how to deal with it deal with it.

My mum says at least it's only for 4 terms, but it's 4 terms too many. At least we have a choice of secondary schools and will be choosing after DN so can avoid the same one. Thankful for small blessings.

My dd is much more introvert than cousin and not trendy and aware of stuff and she found it very difficult and confusing that her cousin would be best buddies with her at Grandma's house and then horrible to her at school. In part dn was particularly awful when she got together with a couple of particular girls - I suppose underneath all her exterior bull she is insecure whereas dd is quietly confident in her own choices. The other thing that made it hard is that I had to purposefully socialise less with SIL and dns and that made me cross but dd just couldn't cope with her cousins switching behaviour - sometimes she would be crying about returning to school after the holidays because dn would then be nasty to her.

They will very likely end up at the same secondary school but I will be insisting they have different form classes/different populations or whatever.

I agree it's 4 terms too many.

Thank you for your understanding CarGirl. It's very welcome. We do have a choice of two outstanding schools near us and we have been dithering between the two, one is more local and the other a bus ride. But obviously we have 18 months to decide anyway. But I know that Dsis intends to send DN to the more local one, it suits her to a tee and we did say when we found out they were moving here, that we'd probably send DD to the one which is a bus ride away.