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Original poster

Am I being made a fool of?

28 replies

Kendodd · 05/03/2011 17:02

I have a friend of a friend staying with us for four nights. He is visiting the UK from Japan and it's his first time here and we are just putting him up for a little bit while he travels round. We have the space and don't mind having him and he is very polite and nice. But I am getting very pissed off feeding him. I am very happy for him to stay but I don't want it to cost me money to have him. He eats three meals a day with us, plus drinks, and hasn't contributed anything. Maybe it's my own fault for cooking for him the first night.

Come on the all, tell my what an idiot I am for hosting him.

OP posts:
KatieMiddleton · 05/03/2011 17:05

He's a guest. Yes it would be nice to have a thank you or a token present but to expect any more is unreasonable.

If you wanted him to contribute to household expenses you should have said before he arrived.

Put it behind you and enjoy the visit. And next time say no if you are going to feel taken advantage of for what sounds like normal hospitality.

youtalkingtome · 05/03/2011 17:07

You should have specified what arrangements were in the beginning.

I would probably assume that I would be fed if someone offered to have me to stay. Ok, I would probably offer to buy some food or contribute, but perhaps offering money would be seen as rude in Japan - who knows what the cultural differences are.

You could try asking what he plans to do for dinner tonight, though what you say when he says he is staying in with you, I don't know!

Think you just have to be blunt or carry on feeding him with good grace.

Original poster
Kendodd · 05/03/2011 17:08

I don't want him to give us any money but it would be good manners (I think) to replace some of the food he's eaten.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kendodd · 05/03/2011 17:09

Yes, I think your right, carry on feeding him but don't have anyone else to stay.

OP posts:
crystalglasses · 05/03/2011 17:13

If it's only four nights you will just have to put up with it this time. If you are feeling really resentful maybe you could arrange to take your own family out for one of the meals. It would be easy to say 'Sorry we can't provide a meal for you tonight as we've arranged to go out.'

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 05/03/2011 17:16

What did you think might happen?

PinkWinged · 05/03/2011 17:17

Know the problem, and what's worse have experienced it a fair few times. Had guests to stay who contributed nothing to the household and didn't EVEN offer to help prepare a meal or anything. Shock

Think it depends on how you are brought up and culture. And whether you can put yourself in someone else's shoes & see it from the hostesses side. There are a lot of people who don't have guests to stay - or even over for dinner.

I now deal with it by directly asking for help in the kitchen or making the beds or something; and "Could you pop to the shop please and get some wine/ bread (etc) to go with the meal". Don't think anyone has ever asked for their money back!
grin]

Original poster
Kendodd · 05/03/2011 17:17

I thought he would shop for some of his own food.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kendodd · 05/03/2011 18:52

DH is going out tonight so visitor has just told me I don't have to cook, he can just have toast or something. Hmm

OP posts:
sunnydelight · 07/03/2011 04:08

You will probably find it a cultural thing - I don't know much about Japan specifically, but in some cultures going to buy your own food when you are a guest in someone else's house would be tantamount to telling them their cooking is crap and you don't like what you are being fed. On the other hand he might just be after a cheap holiday [gtrin] At least it's only 4 days.

Bubbaluv · 07/03/2011 04:13

I would normally buy a bottle of wine and a token gift for a host, but would think it terribly rude to go an buy my own food!
I would NEVER expect a guest to contribute more than a little gift and some help with the washing up or similar.
Guest is different to lodger.

BlooCowWonders · 07/03/2011 04:25

'a friend'
'four nights'

If you're that short of money, why did you agree to put him up?

I think you're very rude.

Bubbaluv · 07/03/2011 05:13

Did you actually mean nights? If you actually meant weeks then YANBU.

52Girls · 07/03/2011 06:18

Four nights? I don't think it's unreasonable to feed a guest in my house for such a short amount of time.

52Girls · 07/03/2011 06:19

I mean it wouldn't be, should I be asked!

Bucharest · 07/03/2011 06:50

What on earth were the arrangements?

You sound like you went around it completely the wrong way tbh.If you wanted paying (or him to be self-catering) you should have made it clear from the go get. The Japanese are the most correct, most polite people I've ever come across and he would be absolutely mortified I'm sure if he thought he'd misunderstood the arrangements.

Poor bloke. I'm glad he's only with you for 4 nights.

TanteRose · 07/03/2011 06:57

He may be waiting to give you a thank-you gift on his last night with you...it is traditional Japanese guest protocol to present their hosts with a gift...

However, younger Japanese are not so traditional anymore, and he may just be pushing his luck with free meals?

You could have said at the beginning, you will all eat dinner together but he will have to buy his own lunch.

Original poster
Kendodd · 07/03/2011 16:00

Maybe I just had wrong expectations. We don't know him and thought we were just doing him a favour providing him with a free place to stay. He is travelling around the country staying with various people (for free). I expected he would be out all day and just use the house like a youth hostel. I didn't expect that he would be hanging around us and eating every meal with us. He left this morning (taking some bread) and asked DH if he could (go out of his way to) drop him off somewhere, and he did.

He was very polite and nice and I was happy to provide a bed for him, I just didn't expect it to cost me money.

BTW No thank you present, although I wasn't expecting one.

OP posts:
exexpat · 08/03/2011 00:46

Not bringing a present sounds very, very odd to me for someone Japanese - or is he not Japanese but living there? I lived in Japan for more than a decade and gift-giving is an absolutely integral part of the culture. You never, ever go to visit someone without taking a gift of some sort. We had a Japanese student who spent a month with us last year (daughter of family friends) and she turned up laden with gifts for us and all the family members she was likely to meet, plus a few spares just in case....

Maybe he's just a bit of an odd guy with no social awareness? Though I have to say that most Japanese people I know would probably also think it was rude to offer to buy food while staying with someone.

SeeJaneKick · 08/03/2011 00:55

A friend did this to me....she came and stayed for a week and ate like a bloody fat man....she never offered anything! Not even some flowers or wine.

Oh no..she did lend me a dress and then send me a snotty email when I failed to post them back fast enough!

slim22 · 08/03/2011 01:17

what bucharest said.
Although, I would have expected a thank you present on arrival, that is quite costumary

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 08/03/2011 07:05

I'm vey very shocked there was no present.

Original poster
Kendodd · 08/03/2011 14:40

"'a friend'
'four nights'

If you're that short of money, why did you agree to put him up?
I think you're very rude."

If you had read my post you would see that actually this person was not a friend, we didn't know him and just did him a favour with a free place to stay. We very often have friends to stay and are very happy to see them and would fully expect to feed them the whole time without anything in return. But, he was not a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kendodd · 08/03/2011 14:41

Yes he was Japanese and it was his first time in Europe.

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 11/03/2011 18:13

If somebody were coming to stay with me for a week or so then I would expect to feed them but three meals a day sounds a lot as you would think he'd be out sightseeing during the day and would be conscious of imposing.

When we have stayed with friends they have generally expected to feed us and included us in their meal plans if we wanted to but we always contribute by buying and cooking meals too and taking them out for a meal to say thank you for having us.